Prepare to feast your eyes on a fresh new wardrobe! New set up! Same clothes. New fancies! Very funky! And a tad more of attempted organisation!
I smell a new year!
Monday, December 29, 2008
It won't go away.
I'm sure that if everyday you were pinpricked, your skin would eventually toughen, and your threshold for pain extend til that pinprick became nearly unnoticeable. So if these pangs you unconsciously inflict upon me do not cease, I will become less affected; more tolerant.
Becoming impartial.
I would love to write upbeats of sunshine and fond memories, but the ones we made from a time ago, remind me of you now...and I don't like you now. You're an idiot, and I've never had to try so hard to love you. I want to rip you out of pictures. Give me a chance to hurt you back. I hate what I'm becoming, eat my heart out before it gets cold.
The worst part is that you wouldn't even know you have your teeth sunk into me. I can't walk away, but I want this to go away.
Please.
Please.
Becoming impartial.
I would love to write upbeats of sunshine and fond memories, but the ones we made from a time ago, remind me of you now...and I don't like you now. You're an idiot, and I've never had to try so hard to love you. I want to rip you out of pictures. Give me a chance to hurt you back. I hate what I'm becoming, eat my heart out before it gets cold.
The worst part is that you wouldn't even know you have your teeth sunk into me. I can't walk away, but I want this to go away.
Please.
Please.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tonight I had a shocking epiphany.
It was that if I could not draw your attention to this matter by correction,
then I would very surely get your attention by being worse than you. Because I know you have a conscience, you have morals, you have values...they just need to be properly woken up, so that lines of black and white are no longer pixelated grey.
And You, sit back aghast at my new waves of darker thought protruding like a bad hair day on more frequent occasions. Yes, the idea is a little messed up, but I do believe it would be effective. Perhaps now, I'm beginning to understand how much what you do frustrates me, simply by reflecting on how low I'm willing to go just so my caution against your potential destruction would have audience.
I hate talking to brick walls, makes me feel my existence is pointless; my presence- replaceable, my fights- uninfluential...
Did I mention, I love you?
It was that if I could not draw your attention to this matter by correction,
then I would very surely get your attention by being worse than you. Because I know you have a conscience, you have morals, you have values...they just need to be properly woken up, so that lines of black and white are no longer pixelated grey.
And You, sit back aghast at my new waves of darker thought protruding like a bad hair day on more frequent occasions. Yes, the idea is a little messed up, but I do believe it would be effective. Perhaps now, I'm beginning to understand how much what you do frustrates me, simply by reflecting on how low I'm willing to go just so my caution against your potential destruction would have audience.
I hate talking to brick walls, makes me feel my existence is pointless; my presence- replaceable, my fights- uninfluential...
Did I mention, I love you?
Friday, December 12, 2008
We dreamed of love;
Of immeasurable potential and passion and glory and fields of green for long and wide!
We never imagined this.
Raw and vulnerable and confused and stubborn. We had not likened Truth to the sting of vinegar on grazed lips. Or Faithfulness to the clutching of dried ice.
But,
Love cannot be made as heroic as is, if not for the triumphs over adversity. For a hero is always born out of opposition, of pain and the determination to fight for the worthy cause. Thus Love is undoubtably brave (Brave, which I once read defined as "Afraid but willing to act on regardless" or something to that tune). So here's to Love. Here's to Truth.
Of immeasurable potential and passion and glory and fields of green for long and wide!
We never imagined this.
Raw and vulnerable and confused and stubborn. We had not likened Truth to the sting of vinegar on grazed lips. Or Faithfulness to the clutching of dried ice.
But,
Love cannot be made as heroic as is, if not for the triumphs over adversity. For a hero is always born out of opposition, of pain and the determination to fight for the worthy cause. Thus Love is undoubtably brave (Brave, which I once read defined as "Afraid but willing to act on regardless" or something to that tune). So here's to Love. Here's to Truth.
And here's to You,
Dear and Faithful
Let me not forget the Love that keeps me here.
This dance belongs to you.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Her eyes were wide at the sight of them! The walls were lined with varnished wood grain shelves, full with large, crystal cylinders with rubber stoppers. Her lips moved subtly as she murmured, fascinated and overwhelmed by the contents of the cylinders, labelled with ancient tags.
"Hmm, this could be useful!" She spoke cheekily "I think I'll make a concoction of Patience, Enhance Listening Ability and Empathy, invite Sal over for dinner and pour it into her every dish!"
She chuckled in her growing mischief; spoiling her imagination with time to ponder the outcomes she might achieve by spiking the drinks of everybody she considered "challenging".
She walked the aisles, astonished by jade dusts, indigo grains, lilac liquids and the endless colour contained in beautifully crafted crystal capsules. She smirked over the reminders "DO NOT TOUCH". But when she was sure nobody could see her, she'd extend her hand and allow her fingers to explore the perfect cylinders, and every one she touched she thought was unique in it's craftsmanship. When in fact, the crystal cylinders were identical and no different. Therefore, her differing of the identical could only be attributed to her striving imagination. Any other 'ordinary person' would have observed each cylinder as identical and any other 'sensible person' would have observed the demand not to touch. But in her childishness (not to be despised) she found it hard to separate the realities she existed in. For she thought "surely these contents could not have been captured and contained if not within a suitable jar, suited exactly...and, and since all these very, very different contents are very, very different indeed, the jars must vary accordingly!" Ordinary sensibility was not far from her reason either. Though this is beside the point. Skip. Skip. Skip.
Ahh, this is the part.
Now that she had glazed over just about every jar, she went to sought the help of an assistant. Once found, she commented "There are many and so many of these, but I can't find the one I'm looking for. People tell me it's really hard to get." "Sure, I can help you find it. Could you describe it?"
"It's... fierce, uncontrollable, overwhelming, powerful, passionate and insisting." "Oh my, your a little, little for the one I have in mind." "No, I shouldn't be, you mustn't have the right one in mind." "Ok then, go on." "Um, it's... really strong. It's, I dunno, very smart, stra...strategy, strategic! Mm hmmmm. It tries to understand but doesn't care if it doesn't. It's really, really big. It's good at protecting and stuff. Boy, is it big!" "It is starting to sound very big indee.." "IT IS! LIKE WOW!" "This may be a problem. Do you think it's containable?" "Nahh!! It's uncontainable, 'cos I said before it's uncontrollable." "That would explain it then, we won't have it." "But you have EVERYTHING else!" "Yes, but if it's uncontainable, how could we keep it here in jars?" "Get a really BIG jar!" "Well, could it be contained even if the jar was really big?" "Ye...mm...I don't know, how big could they make jars? If it's infinity, uh, infinitely big, yes." "Are you a mystery shopper?" "Nope, what's that?" "Don't worry, but we don't, can't stock the uncontainable or uncontrollable here. You might have to try to get it yourself." "Get it myself?!...Where?" "Hmm, do you know anybody else who has it?" "I know a few people who have some, but they have only little! It takes soooo oooo oooo oooooo looooooonggg to grow! I thought, maybe I could find some here! But..." "But we don't have it. Maybe you could ask for a little bit from everybody you know who has it, then begin you grow your own." She sighed "Well, I suppose so. Thanks for your help!" "No worries, come again and visit sometime!" "I love this place! Of course I will!"
And with that, she left. However, she returned regularly to show her newly acquired shop assistant friend how her "Laufe" grew. And they shared trial and error techniques of how to make it grow more, faster and better. And they lived their lives as joyfully ever after as they knew how.
And...The end.
"Hmm, this could be useful!" She spoke cheekily "I think I'll make a concoction of Patience, Enhance Listening Ability and Empathy, invite Sal over for dinner and pour it into her every dish!"
She chuckled in her growing mischief; spoiling her imagination with time to ponder the outcomes she might achieve by spiking the drinks of everybody she considered "challenging".
She walked the aisles, astonished by jade dusts, indigo grains, lilac liquids and the endless colour contained in beautifully crafted crystal capsules. She smirked over the reminders "DO NOT TOUCH". But when she was sure nobody could see her, she'd extend her hand and allow her fingers to explore the perfect cylinders, and every one she touched she thought was unique in it's craftsmanship. When in fact, the crystal cylinders were identical and no different. Therefore, her differing of the identical could only be attributed to her striving imagination. Any other 'ordinary person' would have observed each cylinder as identical and any other 'sensible person' would have observed the demand not to touch. But in her childishness (not to be despised) she found it hard to separate the realities she existed in. For she thought "surely these contents could not have been captured and contained if not within a suitable jar, suited exactly...and, and since all these very, very different contents are very, very different indeed, the jars must vary accordingly!" Ordinary sensibility was not far from her reason either. Though this is beside the point. Skip. Skip. Skip.
Ahh, this is the part.
Now that she had glazed over just about every jar, she went to sought the help of an assistant. Once found, she commented "There are many and so many of these, but I can't find the one I'm looking for. People tell me it's really hard to get." "Sure, I can help you find it. Could you describe it?"
"It's... fierce, uncontrollable, overwhelming, powerful, passionate and insisting." "Oh my, your a little, little for the one I have in mind." "No, I shouldn't be, you mustn't have the right one in mind." "Ok then, go on." "Um, it's... really strong. It's, I dunno, very smart, stra...strategy, strategic! Mm hmmmm. It tries to understand but doesn't care if it doesn't. It's really, really big. It's good at protecting and stuff. Boy, is it big!" "It is starting to sound very big indee.." "IT IS! LIKE WOW!" "This may be a problem. Do you think it's containable?" "Nahh!! It's uncontainable, 'cos I said before it's uncontrollable." "That would explain it then, we won't have it." "But you have EVERYTHING else!" "Yes, but if it's uncontainable, how could we keep it here in jars?" "Get a really BIG jar!" "Well, could it be contained even if the jar was really big?" "Ye...mm...I don't know, how big could they make jars? If it's infinity, uh, infinitely big, yes." "Are you a mystery shopper?" "Nope, what's that?" "Don't worry, but we don't, can't stock the uncontainable or uncontrollable here. You might have to try to get it yourself." "Get it myself?!...Where?" "Hmm, do you know anybody else who has it?" "I know a few people who have some, but they have only little! It takes soooo oooo oooo oooooo looooooonggg to grow! I thought, maybe I could find some here! But..." "But we don't have it. Maybe you could ask for a little bit from everybody you know who has it, then begin you grow your own." She sighed "Well, I suppose so. Thanks for your help!" "No worries, come again and visit sometime!" "I love this place! Of course I will!"
And with that, she left. However, she returned regularly to show her newly acquired shop assistant friend how her "Laufe" grew. And they shared trial and error techniques of how to make it grow more, faster and better. And they lived their lives as joyfully ever after as they knew how.
And...The end.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Musings seeded by a Very Close One of Mine:
Be it far from me to adopt the perspective of skepticism! But, this time...for once...crazily enough, a Very Close One of Mine (who claims he does not believe in love), made an accusation "We are all in love with the poet, with the idea of love, not the person themselves". Except that I forgot his words, and he said it much better. He developed the idea that people could love the poems exchanged yet neglect and pass the one they exchange with.
Sadly, I do believe that's the case, most of the time. Two may meet, know little, if anything of the other person, yet entertain the 8% probability that they're suited for each other. Why? Because they cling to the hope that love is closer than it may be; that it is chanced rather than worked for. So I watch many a friend meet somebody they're attracted to, who responds to their flirts and who they can converse like clockwork with. Then naively, they pin to this 'other' everything they would love in a companion, and if not proved wrong, then considered found in. For the sake of clarity, let's take the illustration of "must love dogs", lame I know.
Henry found a lovely girl: she was unique, pretty, had the cutest laugh, the softest smile and the quirkiest wit.
Henry's dog's had been with him for two thirds of his life, there was nothing short of a lifetime shared between them. Thus, the "must love dogs" criteria.
-Enters Kira-
She would comment about his dogs often, and would laugh with him at them.
He thought she loved Dog#1 to #3.
She thought they were "just dogs"; she laughed more because she thought Henry was cute when he played with them
Kira had no problem with dogs, but that doesn't exactly qualify her for the crucial criteria. However, Henry was just too plastered to see that she would never go out of her way for his dogs lest he stood on one leg, played the harmonica and juggled kittens for 30seconds...or begged her. We do what we must to please another, in some cases it's not overly inconvenient. Therefore, it is not until times are pressingly inconvenient that we discover the deeper values (or lack of) concerning those we are attracted to.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in love, and I do believe in the love that binds husband and wife. I just believe it is harder to attain than is acknowledged for, thanks to chick flicks and romance series'. As agreed between myself and a Very Close One of Mine, "bad timing" is not valid reason for break ups of relationships. Rather, now that I think about it, "bad times" are the incubators that nurture love, the real thing.
I conclude! Said I, four hours ago: "Never befriend a thinker". Now glad am I that my friends don't abide by that rule!
Forgive my laziness, I simply can't be bothered adjusting these words into colours and fonts and sizes. Bye. I like to tell you these things. I don't see you lots, but I hope you're all well.
Sadly, I do believe that's the case, most of the time. Two may meet, know little, if anything of the other person, yet entertain the 8% probability that they're suited for each other. Why? Because they cling to the hope that love is closer than it may be; that it is chanced rather than worked for. So I watch many a friend meet somebody they're attracted to, who responds to their flirts and who they can converse like clockwork with. Then naively, they pin to this 'other' everything they would love in a companion, and if not proved wrong, then considered found in. For the sake of clarity, let's take the illustration of "must love dogs", lame I know.
Henry found a lovely girl: she was unique, pretty, had the cutest laugh, the softest smile and the quirkiest wit.
Henry's dog's had been with him for two thirds of his life, there was nothing short of a lifetime shared between them. Thus, the "must love dogs" criteria.
-Enters Kira-
She would comment about his dogs often, and would laugh with him at them.
He thought she loved Dog#1 to #3.
She thought they were "just dogs"; she laughed more because she thought Henry was cute when he played with them
Kira had no problem with dogs, but that doesn't exactly qualify her for the crucial criteria. However, Henry was just too plastered to see that she would never go out of her way for his dogs lest he stood on one leg, played the harmonica and juggled kittens for 30seconds...or begged her. We do what we must to please another, in some cases it's not overly inconvenient. Therefore, it is not until times are pressingly inconvenient that we discover the deeper values (or lack of) concerning those we are attracted to.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in love, and I do believe in the love that binds husband and wife. I just believe it is harder to attain than is acknowledged for, thanks to chick flicks and romance series'. As agreed between myself and a Very Close One of Mine, "bad timing" is not valid reason for break ups of relationships. Rather, now that I think about it, "bad times" are the incubators that nurture love, the real thing.
I conclude! Said I, four hours ago: "Never befriend a thinker". Now glad am I that my friends don't abide by that rule!
Forgive my laziness, I simply can't be bothered adjusting these words into colours and fonts and sizes. Bye. I like to tell you these things. I don't see you lots, but I hope you're all well.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
He walks with Lady Luck.
She's lovely on his sleeve, seems to have an air about her that he boasts when she's with him. Her dresses are always flowy and colourful, cascaded by full, melodic laughter. However, she is restless and "a free spirit". Hence, the days with her are quick, unpredictable and for that matter unrealiable.
She is expensive, but both stunning and cunning. She holds strategy and ideals to a tee. He works hard for her, showering her with the income of his labour. He deserves her because he can afford to. It is the obsession and conviction they share that ensures he will always be accompanied by her impressive self if he works hard enough for it. He enjoys her company, therefore deeming her worth the effort.
She holds his hand with both a gentle but firm grasp. She has a unique look, her beauty grows more upon each viewing. She is humble but not outspoken. Understanding yet strangely strong. She demands his devotion while simultaneously yielding herself to him. They make decisions together, and deeply affect each other's standing and mood. She smiles much.
She's lovely on his sleeve, seems to have an air about her that he boasts when she's with him. Her dresses are always flowy and colourful, cascaded by full, melodic laughter. However, she is restless and "a free spirit". Hence, the days with her are quick, unpredictable and for that matter unrealiable.
- - - - -
He is engaged to Jane Earning.She is expensive, but both stunning and cunning. She holds strategy and ideals to a tee. He works hard for her, showering her with the income of his labour. He deserves her because he can afford to. It is the obsession and conviction they share that ensures he will always be accompanied by her impressive self if he works hard enough for it. He enjoys her company, therefore deeming her worth the effort.
- - - - -
He's in love with Grace.She holds his hand with both a gentle but firm grasp. She has a unique look, her beauty grows more upon each viewing. She is humble but not outspoken. Understanding yet strangely strong. She demands his devotion while simultaneously yielding herself to him. They make decisions together, and deeply affect each other's standing and mood. She smiles much.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Leave me alone green monster
I had that sneaking suspicion you'd be together, so I called you both and neither picked up. I feared the reason would be because you were having too good a time, without me. Then an hour later my phone rings and caller ID states it's one of your phones, except I hear the other through the speakers. So my suspicions confirmed, my doubts increased, I'm concerned you'll both get it wrong.
Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe.
NO, I did not need you to call me just then and tell me you had 45minutes left to waste together, because you could not include me in 45minutes. Stop teasing me. This friendship isn't us three anymore. It's you two.
You're gonna hurt yourselves with this emotional attachment. I'd prefer it stop at just the hurting me.
It doesn't matter. We have our "seasons" per say. This spring just hasn't been mine...hopefully summer shines a new light.
Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe.
NO, I did not need you to call me just then and tell me you had 45minutes left to waste together, because you could not include me in 45minutes. Stop teasing me. This friendship isn't us three anymore. It's you two.
You're gonna hurt yourselves with this emotional attachment. I'd prefer it stop at just the hurting me.
It doesn't matter. We have our "seasons" per say. This spring just hasn't been mine...hopefully summer shines a new light.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Dear Post 393.
I think your a clever number. 3 9 3.
You make a lot of sense.
Three threes equal nine
Three plus three plus three equals nine
Nine devided by three is three.
What's more, when threes and nines are together, everyone knows you are a family!
Intelligent musings have gone fishing, will be back before the clock chimes 25. Take a ticket and wait in line. Together we'll run out of time!
I think your a clever number. 3 9 3.
You make a lot of sense.
Three threes equal nine
Three plus three plus three equals nine
Nine devided by three is three.
What's more, when threes and nines are together, everyone knows you are a family!
Intelligent musings have gone fishing, will be back before the clock chimes 25. Take a ticket and wait in line. Together we'll run out of time!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
lo and behold
the enemy's face is not intimidating, not as much as it is aggrevatingly ugly.
So, now that we're here, just to shatter your assumption that I'm afraid of you, I'll laugh at your attempts and receive your hard knocks but lift myself from the dust and fight back. I'll wipe the tears, beads of sweat and blood of my loves from my face and not drop this sword until your dead within an ∞km radius of me and those I love...there is the odd chance I'll never drop this sword.
But because the one I love fights at my back. Because the one I love fights beside me. Because the one I love fights before me. Because the one I love fights for me.
Because the one I love never stopped.
Because the love has won, I will!
...and courage grows from the encouragement I've received, so
Step away from my friends.
I'm in love with Him, you can't stop me now!
He's in love with me, just try to get past him!
Last week's screamer, now tomorrow's dreamer.
Dance with me, Love. Make your fight a dance til the death. I can't believe how gory this has become. Take no prisoners. Let me never stop dancing, lest my passion ever dies.
So, now that we're here, just to shatter your assumption that I'm afraid of you, I'll laugh at your attempts and receive your hard knocks but lift myself from the dust and fight back. I'll wipe the tears, beads of sweat and blood of my loves from my face and not drop this sword until your dead within an ∞km radius of me and those I love...there is the odd chance I'll never drop this sword.
But because the one I love fights at my back. Because the one I love fights beside me. Because the one I love fights before me. Because the one I love fights for me.
Because the one I love never stopped.
Because the love has won, I will!
...and courage grows from the encouragement I've received, so
Step away from my friends.
I'm in love with Him, you can't stop me now!
He's in love with me, just try to get past him!
Last week's screamer, now tomorrow's dreamer.
Dance with me, Love. Make your fight a dance til the death. I can't believe how gory this has become. Take no prisoners. Let me never stop dancing, lest my passion ever dies.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The Jealous Kind
I suppose I've begun to wonder if jealousy is worth my breath.
It is the outcome of our former triangle, now re-established as their line and my dot.
And suddenly I'm here where I started, before our triangle was drawn.
Maybe not exactly the same place... I must credit them carrying me a reasonable distance, but the fruits of this new establishment make me wonder what I could achieve if I stopped trying to extend the dot that I am in reminisce attempts of re-achieving our triangle (for my sake alone, might I add!).
"It might be easier not to care" Oh how I despise that thought utterly! It goes against everything that love is, that love fights for; yet the thought, I entertained. How dare I! After all the love I have received, to turn around and say "I don't have to care because it hurts me?". Ungratefulness is a common rail of mine, preparing tracks for my trains of complaint.
Dear, I have not progressed well this week. I suppose if I flailed my arms and begun foundering like the attention seeker I know within me, I would cause enough commotion to feed this hunger to be cared for...not that I am not already! See, this greed also yearns. Alas, I would not save any time in this matter, not by addressing the famished savage that is my fleshly desires. I need to starve it until weakness overcomes it, surrendering to me: relief and selflessness and the freedom I find in you, in love.
It's a clever idea, and I believe it works, the lyrics of plus one's Be Love words it perfectly. The chorus? The solution I half despise as it goes again my human nature yet makes perfect sense:
Well if you need love
Take the time and be love
Breathe it out, create love
See how things can turn.
If you need love
Give yourself and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn.
It seems The Jealous Kind is undergoing reconstruction. Through gritted teeth and short breaths she hopes somehow this revaluing might not leave her lowered.
I know you love me, I know you love me, I know you love me...
It is the outcome of our former triangle, now re-established as their line and my dot.
And suddenly I'm here where I started, before our triangle was drawn.
Maybe not exactly the same place... I must credit them carrying me a reasonable distance, but the fruits of this new establishment make me wonder what I could achieve if I stopped trying to extend the dot that I am in reminisce attempts of re-achieving our triangle (for my sake alone, might I add!).
"It might be easier not to care" Oh how I despise that thought utterly! It goes against everything that love is, that love fights for; yet the thought, I entertained. How dare I! After all the love I have received, to turn around and say "I don't have to care because it hurts me?". Ungratefulness is a common rail of mine, preparing tracks for my trains of complaint.
Dear, I have not progressed well this week. I suppose if I flailed my arms and begun foundering like the attention seeker I know within me, I would cause enough commotion to feed this hunger to be cared for...not that I am not already! See, this greed also yearns. Alas, I would not save any time in this matter, not by addressing the famished savage that is my fleshly desires. I need to starve it until weakness overcomes it, surrendering to me: relief and selflessness and the freedom I find in you, in love.
It's a clever idea, and I believe it works, the lyrics of plus one's Be Love words it perfectly. The chorus? The solution I half despise as it goes again my human nature yet makes perfect sense:
Well if you need love
Take the time and be love
Breathe it out, create love
See how things can turn.
If you need love
Give yourself and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn.
It seems The Jealous Kind is undergoing reconstruction. Through gritted teeth and short breaths she hopes somehow this revaluing might not leave her lowered.
I know you love me, I know you love me, I know you love me...
I don't know why
I don't know how
Don't let go.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Hello. Hello.. Hello... Hello
"Shower me with your love,
colour everyday.
You make the milk gold sun shine on me.
ayyy ;)
Lift me up so high,
watch me fly away
And you give me life..."
Lets venture, Love. That way; or any which way you feel like. I'mwithyou.
My hands are burnt, but my spirit's high. Lead on!
"Shower me with your love,
colour everyday.
You make the milk gold sun shine on me.
ayyy ;)
Lift me up so high,
watch me fly away
And you give me life..."
Lets venture, Love. That way; or any which way you feel like. I'mwithyou.
My hands are burnt, but my spirit's high. Lead on!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
geez, your a wonder,
you like to contradict me...
or maybe I like to contradict you.
But i cant help feeling your amused by my confusion.
Yes, I can't do a thing without you! What's more, I'll finally come to terms with a process you decide would be good for us, in time for you to change it. I don't know if im complaining or not. Because what my complaints used to sing, I now have, when I realised I could do without. Except that my head is all boggled and I'm infinitely unaware of what your trying to teach me. I have the feeling it has something to do with "trust me".
Love, if i close my eyes and let you lead me, it might be easier, but you tell me to keep them open and find the strength in my feet. I would love, absolutely love to work at the museum. And I fear this curiousity will nearly kill me. Although the timing is perfect. You always are. Should I reject this current offer, in faith of your provision? How can I finish these three assignments? How will I tailor this dress in time? When will I have time to call her? I told her I would this week. I don't know how to netbank, and I'm almost relieved, my savings account is about to deflate, and I'm both excited and blank. Will I miss two mondays because my friends are in celebration? Which is it? Ministry or Selfishness? I feel a little less loyal. I wouldn't mind a little sunshine. The bottle next to my bible says everything.
Ta.Brake!Please?RightOverThere!NextLeft?Waha!AnythingElse?YouMissedASpot.LETGO!Ahh.
you like to contradict me...
or maybe I like to contradict you.
But i cant help feeling your amused by my confusion.
Yes, I can't do a thing without you! What's more, I'll finally come to terms with a process you decide would be good for us, in time for you to change it. I don't know if im complaining or not. Because what my complaints used to sing, I now have, when I realised I could do without. Except that my head is all boggled and I'm infinitely unaware of what your trying to teach me. I have the feeling it has something to do with "trust me".
Love, if i close my eyes and let you lead me, it might be easier, but you tell me to keep them open and find the strength in my feet. I would love, absolutely love to work at the museum. And I fear this curiousity will nearly kill me. Although the timing is perfect. You always are. Should I reject this current offer, in faith of your provision? How can I finish these three assignments? How will I tailor this dress in time? When will I have time to call her? I told her I would this week. I don't know how to netbank, and I'm almost relieved, my savings account is about to deflate, and I'm both excited and blank. Will I miss two mondays because my friends are in celebration? Which is it? Ministry or Selfishness? I feel a little less loyal. I wouldn't mind a little sunshine. The bottle next to my bible says everything.
Ta.Brake!Please?RightOverThere!NextLeft?Waha!AnythingElse?YouMissedASpot.LETGO!Ahh.
This is deeper than an empty stomach and a reasoning to go without...
i dont want it to be what i think it's becoming.
i dont think you understand my need to feel you beside me,
i dont know how strong you think i am, but i feel more tired now, and hopeless
Now that you don't call me in the mornings and wake me up anymore.
But you always have reasoning that often goes beyond me.
...
I trust this is a similar case.
and i miss you and i need you,
i do.
don't go
take my lov
e.
Smile, I like it when you do.
i dont want it to be what i think it's becoming.
i dont think you understand my need to feel you beside me,
i dont know how strong you think i am, but i feel more tired now, and hopeless
Now that you don't call me in the mornings and wake me up anymore.
But you always have reasoning that often goes beyond me.
...
I trust this is a similar case.
and i miss you and i need you,
i do.
don't go
take my lov
e.
Smile, I like it when you do.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
"This shouldn't have happened." I murmured
"No, your right, it shouldn't have...but it did. So what are you going to do about it?" Wisdom seemed strangely calm, strangely rational.
I scowled at the dirt I had scuffed with the heel of my restless foot; preferring to keep eye contact at a low since my bitterness was beginning to surface.
"This shouldn't have happened." I repeated, as if to justify my resistance to responsibility in the matter. I had some serious reconsiderations to reconsider. I'd never been tested to this extent- to have the process of forgiveness, one I've struggled with, ever, until now. Sad to say I struggled with it tonight but finally breathed I forgive you into the night, incidentally freeing myself.
"I know this isn't easy..."
I began to wonder if Wisdom had a heart. How was she unfazed by these recent events? No, the wound was not a direct infliction, it needed not be. The damage was done, the team, scattered.
"How can one simple leak manage to permeate every commitment I hold?"
"This was no minor part of your life." Wisdom was understanding.
"But, it was not my life support either...I think"
"Well, that established, stop willing defeat come swiftly!"
I smirked, only once or thrice!
"Quick, we have little time to keep our lead."
"You call this a lead?" I had been caught up on by skepticism.
"Sturdy up your heart, dear. The road is long ahead. Here," She threw me her well worn water flask, "you need to keep hydrated."
I accepted, she seemed to know exactly what to say and how to act at every occasion, unexpected as they arose. The pack was heavy, I wanted not to carry it with me again. I felt complaints extend from my lower back to my lips.
"Let's go back to the group, we need to keep moving. Hasten! Sure you've been hurt, but do not overlook your own shortcomings! In many occasions you failed to move yourself from the line of fire!"
I rolled my eyes.
We entered the clearing, and I was met with appreciative expressions. I was again reminded of the much relief my detached team had brought me. We cannot afford to loose anymore. We cannot afford to loose anyone else. Desperation seemed to boost a little more fight within me.
Blame and bitterness had melted, enough time dwelt on the problem. We needed to trek quickly towards our solution, our base. Our mission had been placed on hold in order to recoup. Patriotism awoke aptly in me, and would hopefully stay awake for a greater duration this time. Apprehension was shuffled to the back, pushed mercilessly by a sense of remembered purpose.
"Efficiency, love." Nodded Wisdom as we both breathed deep and blinked long. It just so happened love was the most efficient source and method we had to progress further, faster.
Smiles, oblivious to our unfamiliar dirt road, were exchanged as we saddled ourselves with packs of reacquainted expectation.
Hello Journey.
"No, your right, it shouldn't have...but it did. So what are you going to do about it?" Wisdom seemed strangely calm, strangely rational.
I scowled at the dirt I had scuffed with the heel of my restless foot; preferring to keep eye contact at a low since my bitterness was beginning to surface.
"This shouldn't have happened." I repeated, as if to justify my resistance to responsibility in the matter. I had some serious reconsiderations to reconsider. I'd never been tested to this extent- to have the process of forgiveness, one I've struggled with, ever, until now. Sad to say I struggled with it tonight but finally breathed I forgive you into the night, incidentally freeing myself.
"I know this isn't easy..."
I began to wonder if Wisdom had a heart. How was she unfazed by these recent events? No, the wound was not a direct infliction, it needed not be. The damage was done, the team, scattered.
"How can one simple leak manage to permeate every commitment I hold?"
"This was no minor part of your life." Wisdom was understanding.
"But, it was not my life support either...I think"
"Well, that established, stop willing defeat come swiftly!"
I smirked, only once or thrice!
"Quick, we have little time to keep our lead."
"You call this a lead?" I had been caught up on by skepticism.
"Sturdy up your heart, dear. The road is long ahead. Here," She threw me her well worn water flask, "you need to keep hydrated."
I accepted, she seemed to know exactly what to say and how to act at every occasion, unexpected as they arose. The pack was heavy, I wanted not to carry it with me again. I felt complaints extend from my lower back to my lips.
"Let's go back to the group, we need to keep moving. Hasten! Sure you've been hurt, but do not overlook your own shortcomings! In many occasions you failed to move yourself from the line of fire!"
I rolled my eyes.
We entered the clearing, and I was met with appreciative expressions. I was again reminded of the much relief my detached team had brought me. We cannot afford to loose anymore. We cannot afford to loose anyone else. Desperation seemed to boost a little more fight within me.
Blame and bitterness had melted, enough time dwelt on the problem. We needed to trek quickly towards our solution, our base. Our mission had been placed on hold in order to recoup. Patriotism awoke aptly in me, and would hopefully stay awake for a greater duration this time. Apprehension was shuffled to the back, pushed mercilessly by a sense of remembered purpose.
"Efficiency, love." Nodded Wisdom as we both breathed deep and blinked long. It just so happened love was the most efficient source and method we had to progress further, faster.
Smiles, oblivious to our unfamiliar dirt road, were exchanged as we saddled ourselves with packs of reacquainted expectation.
Hello Journey.
matthew28:18-20
When some saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Show me again, how it worked. Let me see somebody loving another. Show me what it is, show me selflessness. I've forgotten. I loathe this world. Everybody lives for themselves. I hate living for myself, but it's all i know to do.
Where is your truth? Where are the fruits of your labour, oh you who sowed?
Where is your truth? Where are the fruits of your labour, oh you who sowed?
"Yeah, she's like that..."
"What's the word...how do you say that?"
"Mm, I know what you mean..."
"Addicted to herself. That's it"
"Perfect description!"
"Yes, she's addicted to herself. You know how she always unloads herself onto everybody else?"
"Exactly! She hardly listens anymore"
"I wonder why she got so self-centred?"
"All she wants to do is talk about herself all the time...OH and the complaining!"
"I've had quite enough of her. She forgets everything about everything else"
"Damn I hate how fake she is!"
your voices drive me wild. i hate the truth in it.
i need you to look at me and tell me what's wrong with me.
damnit. you cant let this paranoia devour me. i dont owe you anything.
"What's the word...how do you say that?"
"Mm, I know what you mean..."
"Addicted to herself. That's it"
"Perfect description!"
"Yes, she's addicted to herself. You know how she always unloads herself onto everybody else?"
"Exactly! She hardly listens anymore"
"I wonder why she got so self-centred?"
"All she wants to do is talk about herself all the time...OH and the complaining!"
"I've had quite enough of her. She forgets everything about everything else"
"Damn I hate how fake she is!"
your voices drive me wild. i hate the truth in it.
i need you to look at me and tell me what's wrong with me.
damnit. you cant let this paranoia devour me. i dont owe you anything.
It's broken, there's no use!
im loosing my grip...
the only thing keeping me from letting go, is you.
Because if i let go, you fall also.
i dont want you to fall. any of you.
damn this heart. So weak is its tolerance for pain. Quickly, take me to unconsciousness.
the only thing keeping me from letting go, is you.
Because if i let go, you fall also.
i dont want you to fall. any of you.
damn this heart. So weak is its tolerance for pain. Quickly, take me to unconsciousness.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
veins of vanity
black ties
glazed eyes
flutter flirty
conscience, dirty
knowing better
blood red letter
wonder whether
God can save her
beauty: fleeting
looks: misleading
charm: deceiving
notice in him?
grant me truth
wisdom to boot
...eyes that sought for:
beauty more...
glazed eyes
flutter flirty
conscience, dirty
knowing better
blood red letter
wonder whether
God can save her
beauty: fleeting
looks: misleading
charm: deceiving
notice in him?
grant me truth
wisdom to boot
...eyes that sought for:
beauty more...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Who I am.
Dear Today,
You've been savage to me. Today I want to blame you for everything wrong that happens in your shift, although there has been no official "bad thing". I don't know why, but you've stimulated feelings in me I cannot justify...
I feel like cigarette butts and dust clouds, like car pile ups and lonely pensioners. I feel like a dying patient, a junkie in remorse and a sad teenager just impregnated. I feel like the one person who could have prevented nine-eleven but hesitated seven seconds too long.
And why?
I'm the kid who punched you in the face because you whispered something under your breath that made me insecure and defensive, so i gave you my all and walked away. I'm the girl who started dating you before I broke up with him but was too coward to sever either, so I lost you both. I'm the 'coke' dealer and I'm the alcoholic father who cries the rare times he's sober, but abuses his family every other time. I'm the handsome year eleven sex addict who womanises every pretty girl and breaks their heart within his three week rule.
As it turns out, I need a little help.
I'm the friendly person with nobody to call.
I am the self-righteous christian trying to imagine forgiveness...wondering where she went wrong.
I am the two-packet-day smoker with the four year old asthmatic son, picking up the phone and dialing quitline; desperately hoping that little person in my telephone can save us from the effect I've caused.
Finally, I am the hopeful with a weak heart, who just received a call.
I hear you have a new heart for me.
This operation is not painless, nor is it cheap and easy.
But...
but I want to live.
I rather the pain of growing, the pain of relearning and the pain of rehabiliation than the pain of dying. Dying pain is useless and depressing. Growing pains are amazing for resilience! And I'm trying to grow mine :)
You've been savage to me. Today I want to blame you for everything wrong that happens in your shift, although there has been no official "bad thing". I don't know why, but you've stimulated feelings in me I cannot justify...
I feel like cigarette butts and dust clouds, like car pile ups and lonely pensioners. I feel like a dying patient, a junkie in remorse and a sad teenager just impregnated. I feel like the one person who could have prevented nine-eleven but hesitated seven seconds too long.
And why?
I'm the kid who punched you in the face because you whispered something under your breath that made me insecure and defensive, so i gave you my all and walked away. I'm the girl who started dating you before I broke up with him but was too coward to sever either, so I lost you both. I'm the 'coke' dealer and I'm the alcoholic father who cries the rare times he's sober, but abuses his family every other time. I'm the handsome year eleven sex addict who womanises every pretty girl and breaks their heart within his three week rule.
As it turns out, I need a little help.
I'm the friendly person with nobody to call.
I am the self-righteous christian trying to imagine forgiveness...wondering where she went wrong.
I am the two-packet-day smoker with the four year old asthmatic son, picking up the phone and dialing quitline; desperately hoping that little person in my telephone can save us from the effect I've caused.
Finally, I am the hopeful with a weak heart, who just received a call.
They've found me a new heart.
I am the hopeful with a 74% chance of success, knowing that this operation will kill me or give me a new stronger life. I am the hopeful believing that my new strong heart will help me earn a living, enough to help me pay off the expense that it cost me to get it. I am the hopeful who longs for life whatever the cost.I hear you have a new heart for me.
This operation is not painless, nor is it cheap and easy.
But...
but I want to live.
I rather the pain of growing, the pain of relearning and the pain of rehabiliation than the pain of dying. Dying pain is useless and depressing. Growing pains are amazing for resilience! And I'm trying to grow mine :)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
His facial expression seemed to convey the strangest combinations of what his heart apparently projected. He peered down on me with a look of curiosity, a look of musing, a look of hope, a look of familiarity and a look of distance. Then squinted his eyes at a photo he held in his right hand. Then back at me with a tinge of sadness, a tinge of loss, a tinge of hurt but a glimmer of an idea.
"Shall we?" He beckoned, with arm outstretched to the path beside autumn trees, laden with orange-brown leaves. I nodded politely. I felt I could perhaps keep this mysterious man company. He seemed to have lost something or somebody. Some lonely people are very good company, I thought blindly.
He began, "My daughter's lost something, I wonder if you could help me find it."
"Why it just so happens I have a little time on my hands...not much, but a little."
"Ahh. A little will have to do," he sighed. I smiled.
"You see, my daughter's been acting differently ever since she lost it."
"Mm? And what is it that she's lost? It sounds valuable."
"Ahh! Because it is!" his eyes sparkled with excitement at my observation. "It is the very thing that makes her smile at people in passing and the very thing that makes her cry for passing people."
"She sounds like a lovely girl!"
"Oh, she is! When she wants to be," He sighed, "but lately, since she's lost this something, she's been less lovely, more insecure, less appreciative, more vain, less caring and more careless."
"Oh dear! We better find this something then! Do you have any idea what it is?"
"I know exactly what it is."
"Well, what is it?!" I asked, glancing quickly at my watch.
He paused and turned to face me, searching my eyes for something. A little confused I allow him entry as his eyes search mine and a certain familiarity cascades this man's features.
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"Perhaps. You remind me of my daughter. You look like her. But..."
"But?.." I walked with him for a quiet minute more, then realised the time. "I'm terribly sorry! I really have to go now! I hope you find what your daughter's lost!" Apologetic but hastily I begin my brisk walk back the beautiful path we'd travelled. I used to love these autumn trees, I just don't have the time to appreciate them anymore!
He sighed, I was a small figure a distance and a world apart in a matter of thirty four seconds. He looked again at the photo of me he still held in his right hand and slipped it into his pocket, as he looked at my trail of shuffled footprints.
"Purpose, dear. Purpose."
"Shall we?" He beckoned, with arm outstretched to the path beside autumn trees, laden with orange-brown leaves. I nodded politely. I felt I could perhaps keep this mysterious man company. He seemed to have lost something or somebody. Some lonely people are very good company, I thought blindly.
He began, "My daughter's lost something, I wonder if you could help me find it."
"Why it just so happens I have a little time on my hands...not much, but a little."
"Ahh. A little will have to do," he sighed. I smiled.
"You see, my daughter's been acting differently ever since she lost it."
"Mm? And what is it that she's lost? It sounds valuable."
"Ahh! Because it is!" his eyes sparkled with excitement at my observation. "It is the very thing that makes her smile at people in passing and the very thing that makes her cry for passing people."
"She sounds like a lovely girl!"
"Oh, she is! When she wants to be," He sighed, "but lately, since she's lost this something, she's been less lovely, more insecure, less appreciative, more vain, less caring and more careless."
"Oh dear! We better find this something then! Do you have any idea what it is?"
"I know exactly what it is."
"Well, what is it?!" I asked, glancing quickly at my watch.
He paused and turned to face me, searching my eyes for something. A little confused I allow him entry as his eyes search mine and a certain familiarity cascades this man's features.
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"Perhaps. You remind me of my daughter. You look like her. But..."
"But?.." I walked with him for a quiet minute more, then realised the time. "I'm terribly sorry! I really have to go now! I hope you find what your daughter's lost!" Apologetic but hastily I begin my brisk walk back the beautiful path we'd travelled. I used to love these autumn trees, I just don't have the time to appreciate them anymore!
He sighed, I was a small figure a distance and a world apart in a matter of thirty four seconds. He looked again at the photo of me he still held in his right hand and slipped it into his pocket, as he looked at my trail of shuffled footprints.
"Purpose, dear. Purpose."
Our Little Unit
"COVER HIM!" She screamed to the only other able body. He did, just. The sound of grounding metal and sharpening rocks filled the thick air of heavy breathing and many grunts. Thank God we're all in tact...somewhat.
They had managed to keep direct opposition at bay for a little and had run for a little more. Tiredness and insecurity seemed to be the temperature of the last couple of days. Our one little unit, already shrunk in both size and resources felt themselves tried and tested to the limits they never knew was containable. It's not supposed to be like this; this wasn't meant to happen.
They used to be the firecracker unit, the more contagiously patriotic unit this side of the army. Now dwindled and without clear instruction, they hoped simply to not become like the dust they had crawled in during the past few weeks. The Captain had resigned a moment and a half ago, not nearly early enough with as little notice as possible. So for the moment and perhaps a moment more, our little unit were to proceed without a team leader.
The Major General had been rather understanding of late and had taken place within our little unit in attempt to keep hope alive. It was clear though, that it was not his place to be their leader, however temporal. The Major General had strategies to be planning and ambushes to be setting. They were told another had been requested to replace the former Captain, also a temporary position... until said one from our little unit were to rise to the occasion. We had serious doubts, even though we knew that the battalion had rallied closer to our coordinates to compact protection and provide our little unit, time to regroup and re-strategise. Time as per usual, was against them.
Many tears and a few days later, our little unit began to remember communication, the very failure that had cost them every resource to be valued in this war: time, distance and weaponry. Bring us back into the strategy. They needed to drink from the resilience that had grown within them during the harshness of this period. They needed to remember victories! When they advanced with mission to rescue fellow captives and obliterate opposition, rather than their recent pattern of simply keeping enemies at bay in the hope of living the next day.
Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours...we are. We're getting stronger love, we have to. Pick up your swords brothers, I know your tired, but we're still alive, and so is this war...put two and two together. Backup will arrive shortly. We have our strengths, we have our swords, we will again remember our patriotism. Our little unit will be a firecracker again. Our Little Unit.
They had managed to keep direct opposition at bay for a little and had run for a little more. Tiredness and insecurity seemed to be the temperature of the last couple of days. Our one little unit, already shrunk in both size and resources felt themselves tried and tested to the limits they never knew was containable. It's not supposed to be like this; this wasn't meant to happen.
They used to be the firecracker unit, the more contagiously patriotic unit this side of the army. Now dwindled and without clear instruction, they hoped simply to not become like the dust they had crawled in during the past few weeks. The Captain had resigned a moment and a half ago, not nearly early enough with as little notice as possible. So for the moment and perhaps a moment more, our little unit were to proceed without a team leader.
The Major General had been rather understanding of late and had taken place within our little unit in attempt to keep hope alive. It was clear though, that it was not his place to be their leader, however temporal. The Major General had strategies to be planning and ambushes to be setting. They were told another had been requested to replace the former Captain, also a temporary position... until said one from our little unit were to rise to the occasion. We had serious doubts, even though we knew that the battalion had rallied closer to our coordinates to compact protection and provide our little unit, time to regroup and re-strategise. Time as per usual, was against them.
Many tears and a few days later, our little unit began to remember communication, the very failure that had cost them every resource to be valued in this war: time, distance and weaponry. Bring us back into the strategy. They needed to drink from the resilience that had grown within them during the harshness of this period. They needed to remember victories! When they advanced with mission to rescue fellow captives and obliterate opposition, rather than their recent pattern of simply keeping enemies at bay in the hope of living the next day.
Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours...we are. We're getting stronger love, we have to. Pick up your swords brothers, I know your tired, but we're still alive, and so is this war...put two and two together. Backup will arrive shortly. We have our strengths, we have our swords, we will again remember our patriotism. Our little unit will be a firecracker again. Our Little Unit.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
your holding me, then your not,
then your holding me, then your not.
This particular learning curve you've guided me through I can only liken to riding a bike.
I've known how to ride a bike since "before". What's more, I had lately seemed to be progressing quite apparently: gaining speed in shorter periods and sustaining such for longer...with my training wheels.
Then you unscrew my supports and I'm left with only two wheels and a little uncertainty. With deep breaths and your hold, I begin shakily. Holding my breath as I will the gear with my kinetic energy to revolve the back wheel, I continue only with the assurance of your holding my balance. I am upright only because your strong enough to keep me there. But you need me to learn my independence, not away from you, but so you can run ahead of me and lead my path, rather than proceeding shakily at questionable speeds. "Efficiency, love."
So I learn through this process of doing; of practicing on even, level ground as preparation for this marathon through treacherous terrain that you've mapped.
Your holding me, then your not,
then your holding me, then your not,
I might tire and put my feet down to steady and stop for a little,
but you will me on, holding me, ...etc
We're close, Love. I like being close to you.
I like having you near, feeling you beside me.
However that's a blessing I cannot always afford for the sake of growth. For the sake of your heart and your plans and your strategy and the furtherance of your kingdom. I mean, I know you always are there...but i like feeling it, it makes life easier.
But enjoy it while I can, I will.
I seem to dip very frequently between the ambience of your love and the uncertainty of my ability. You must have reason for choosing me, so i suppose i have enough to run on.
Funny how it's when i finally decide to release myself from those of whom my life weighs heavily upon, that you make it impossible to escape amazing friends. Yet when I search for them to rely upon, you keep them at bay. That seems to be the pattern of late. I suppose only because it falls in line with your promise- Seek first my kingdom and all these things will be added to you.
So very secure in your hold.
So very warm in your embrace.
Shield me, love, while I draw my sword
This particular learning curve you've guided me through I can only liken to riding a bike.
I've known how to ride a bike since "before". What's more, I had lately seemed to be progressing quite apparently: gaining speed in shorter periods and sustaining such for longer...with my training wheels.
Then you unscrew my supports and I'm left with only two wheels and a little uncertainty. With deep breaths and your hold, I begin shakily. Holding my breath as I will the gear with my kinetic energy to revolve the back wheel, I continue only with the assurance of your holding my balance. I am upright only because your strong enough to keep me there. But you need me to learn my independence, not away from you, but so you can run ahead of me and lead my path, rather than proceeding shakily at questionable speeds. "Efficiency, love."
So I learn through this process of doing; of practicing on even, level ground as preparation for this marathon through treacherous terrain that you've mapped.
Your holding me, then your not,
then your holding me, then your not,
I might tire and put my feet down to steady and stop for a little,
but you will me on, holding me, ...etc
We're close, Love. I like being close to you.
I like having you near, feeling you beside me.
However that's a blessing I cannot always afford for the sake of growth. For the sake of your heart and your plans and your strategy and the furtherance of your kingdom. I mean, I know you always are there...but i like feeling it, it makes life easier.
But enjoy it while I can, I will.
I seem to dip very frequently between the ambience of your love and the uncertainty of my ability. You must have reason for choosing me, so i suppose i have enough to run on.
Funny how it's when i finally decide to release myself from those of whom my life weighs heavily upon, that you make it impossible to escape amazing friends. Yet when I search for them to rely upon, you keep them at bay. That seems to be the pattern of late. I suppose only because it falls in line with your promise- Seek first my kingdom and all these things will be added to you.
So very secure in your hold.
So very warm in your embrace.
Shield me, love, while I draw my sword
...I hear the enemy's advancing.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i had always been faithful to my weakness of unfaithfulness...
strangely enough, I also had a moment of intense rage today. For nearly no apparent reason, a tiny thing that has never affected me in such a manner, today made me scream in my car in attempt to release the unwanted anger. What's more, I knew this was a test, I knew it was clearly out of place and something in me welled up and I became ugly for a minute. I blasted music from the static radio of my dad's old corolla, and could not look at him because my anger was shameful.
It seems I am now very aware of the two battles within me. Like these very out-of-the-ordinary one-minute occurances are a window into the futures I could expect. Depending on my decisions.
The only way to victory is faithfulness. I know you are faithful. Therefore faithfulness on my behalf will complete the covenant and I too will partake in your victory.
It seems I am now very aware of the two battles within me. Like these very out-of-the-ordinary one-minute occurances are a window into the futures I could expect. Depending on my decisions.
The only way to victory is faithfulness. I know you are faithful. Therefore faithfulness on my behalf will complete the covenant and I too will partake in your victory.
There was moment today, where for no apparent reason, I was glad to be alive.
Not that I usually dread each day, but in life, you forget your alive and simply live...going through the motions yada yada.
But today, for no reason at all, something in me welled up, like an uncontainable gratefulness that today was so beautiful. So my head turned and I met him because I knew he was with me and we smiled. For that minute, every person I looked at was beautiful and I wanted to thank them just for being there. Unfortunately, I busied myself and continued living the usual afterward.
I know this is love. It has to be.
The weather was indecisive today, sun darting to and from behind the clouds. But everytime I stepped outside, I'd notice the sun reappear and feel perfectly warmed. I know it was you. I know it. Because it wasn't just the sun warming me today. It was you.
Not that I usually dread each day, but in life, you forget your alive and simply live...going through the motions yada yada.
But today, for no reason at all, something in me welled up, like an uncontainable gratefulness that today was so beautiful. So my head turned and I met him because I knew he was with me and we smiled. For that minute, every person I looked at was beautiful and I wanted to thank them just for being there. Unfortunately, I busied myself and continued living the usual afterward.
I know this is love. It has to be.
The weather was indecisive today, sun darting to and from behind the clouds. But everytime I stepped outside, I'd notice the sun reappear and feel perfectly warmed. I know it was you. I know it. Because it wasn't just the sun warming me today. It was you.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
they call it 'love'... the one i've never known
my friends broke up last night,
she told me this morning in a message to my phone
he messaged me privately over facebook telling me to look out for her on his behalf
It makes me curious...about that love that is so very often plastered on the walls of my every environment. It seems the world wants love, because there is something in its tone that speaks of fulfilment, of perfection and the abolishing of loneliness.
Love, the perfect one, is what I think would do me well. It is quite the only thing keeping me above this world, this sinking ship.
On the other hand, I don't think I could handle a break up. If, at any point, I allow somebody that close to me, to know me that intimately (no, not physically; intimately), I suppose I'd have already decided early on, no detachment is in order. Why would you allow somebody to know you that intimately if you hadn't intended to be with that somebody at least indefinitely, let alone with the intention of marriage! *gasps from readers!
Before dating, if ever I am afforded the opportunity, there is friendship. A very, very solid friendship. The friendship that began without attraction, or insufficient amounts for it to be the main motivation for knowing a person. The friendship, then strengthened much by the toughs of life, would result in genuine respect and care for that person. Continuing from a birds eye perspective: the two then build on each other as friends do, confide in each other, and work better together. Efficiency is quite the key; the if's follow suit: If they are stronger together and the support system is better together than apart. If they intercede for the other and encourage each other. If criticism is constructive and clear with God intentions between them; with a greater desire for the other to grow above that of them not to be hurt. If their ministries take them on similar (if not the same path). If their knowledge of the other repels doubts and develops protective mechanisms. If their drive to live is only God and his will...
then they have the fundamental foundation for a relationship deeper than friendship. By then, knowing the other is quite intimate, nothing short of a best friend status. By then, attraction is somewhat imminent. [But don't get me wrong, I have my far share of guy friends who qualify most of my If's, but who I am not drawn to in such manners]
Thus begins dating.
I know not from there what or how things work, but I believe dating is the practice for marriage. The intention for me would be marriage. I don't imagine I would factor in "breaking up" as an option during my dating. I believe that perhaps "break up" is an excuse not to iron out the lumps in the cloth. Because I honestly believe that by the "dating" stage, there would be more than enough reasons to love a person, and the conflicting natures of both are cogs that are to be chipped away at and sanded down and polished.
I could be wrong.
I wouldn't know.
That's the naive, perfectionist opinion of she who has never been in love.
"Love" in this context between a girl and a boy.
I think I'd like to be 'in love'. But to go looking would not satisfy my idealistic checklist.
This love is no essential.
Again, I'd say, it's a question of efficiency.
If I am not more efficient with another, I could not expect to spend the rest of my life with them. If they do not play a part in making me a better person, what good are they to me? and vice versa.
I conclude, this love is beyond me.
It might be better, better kept that way ;)
Good luck to you, in regard to this love...not that I endose the search for such complication. How about I just hope you achieve your full potential, whether that encompasses a life partner or not!
she told me this morning in a message to my phone
he messaged me privately over facebook telling me to look out for her on his behalf
It makes me curious...about that love that is so very often plastered on the walls of my every environment. It seems the world wants love, because there is something in its tone that speaks of fulfilment, of perfection and the abolishing of loneliness.
Love, the perfect one, is what I think would do me well. It is quite the only thing keeping me above this world, this sinking ship.
On the other hand, I don't think I could handle a break up. If, at any point, I allow somebody that close to me, to know me that intimately (no, not physically; intimately), I suppose I'd have already decided early on, no detachment is in order. Why would you allow somebody to know you that intimately if you hadn't intended to be with that somebody at least indefinitely, let alone with the intention of marriage! *gasps from readers!
Before dating, if ever I am afforded the opportunity, there is friendship. A very, very solid friendship. The friendship that began without attraction, or insufficient amounts for it to be the main motivation for knowing a person. The friendship, then strengthened much by the toughs of life, would result in genuine respect and care for that person. Continuing from a birds eye perspective: the two then build on each other as friends do, confide in each other, and work better together. Efficiency is quite the key; the if's follow suit: If they are stronger together and the support system is better together than apart. If they intercede for the other and encourage each other. If criticism is constructive and clear with God intentions between them; with a greater desire for the other to grow above that of them not to be hurt. If their ministries take them on similar (if not the same path). If their knowledge of the other repels doubts and develops protective mechanisms. If their drive to live is only God and his will...
then they have the fundamental foundation for a relationship deeper than friendship. By then, knowing the other is quite intimate, nothing short of a best friend status. By then, attraction is somewhat imminent. [But don't get me wrong, I have my far share of guy friends who qualify most of my If's, but who I am not drawn to in such manners]
Thus begins dating.
I know not from there what or how things work, but I believe dating is the practice for marriage. The intention for me would be marriage. I don't imagine I would factor in "breaking up" as an option during my dating. I believe that perhaps "break up" is an excuse not to iron out the lumps in the cloth. Because I honestly believe that by the "dating" stage, there would be more than enough reasons to love a person, and the conflicting natures of both are cogs that are to be chipped away at and sanded down and polished.
I could be wrong.
I wouldn't know.
That's the naive, perfectionist opinion of she who has never been in love.
"Love" in this context between a girl and a boy.
I think I'd like to be 'in love'. But to go looking would not satisfy my idealistic checklist.
This love is no essential.
Again, I'd say, it's a question of efficiency.
If I am not more efficient with another, I could not expect to spend the rest of my life with them. If they do not play a part in making me a better person, what good are they to me? and vice versa.
I conclude, this love is beyond me.
It might be better, better kept that way ;)
Good luck to you, in regard to this love...not that I endose the search for such complication. How about I just hope you achieve your full potential, whether that encompasses a life partner or not!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
again 1Cor9:27
if anyone could hold me tighter, closer or more securely than you...i would cease to exist.
wahahaha! it makes no sense!
but i love you
and you've got me holding onto you again.
i seem to remember life,
the life that mattered
or i try to anyway.
and there,
there it is again.
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
...just you
you and the peace you bring in stride.
You,
I AM,
are
my
freedom.
wahahaha! it makes no sense!
but i love you
and you've got me holding onto you again.
i seem to remember life,
the life that mattered
or i try to anyway.
and there,
there it is again.
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
...just you
you and the peace you bring in stride.
You,
I AM,
are
my
freedom.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
What I do makes no sense
I think you'd agree, the best thing to enjoy with cauliflower is the sunset.
Nothing short of marvelous. A touch of salt to the mellow flavour, simply steamed. Beautiful visual: soft graduation of vibrant colours; darkening sky. A tease of heaven, forgotten pain. Tapered ideally with fantasies of perfection and anything beautiful, everything pure.
I don't want to go back. I will regret my failures, but I'll also learn from them. They will cost me every resource I should value: time, money, effort, energy.
I just cannot seem to summon the willpower to shake my sense of...absense; though it binds me, though it blinds me. It seems defeat is before me and I'm quite prepared to succumb.
Iwanttowanttoliveoutsidemyselfishness. Iwanttowanttoloveforyou.
Show me please, something new.
Nothing short of marvelous. A touch of salt to the mellow flavour, simply steamed. Beautiful visual: soft graduation of vibrant colours; darkening sky. A tease of heaven, forgotten pain. Tapered ideally with fantasies of perfection and anything beautiful, everything pure.
I don't want to go back. I will regret my failures, but I'll also learn from them. They will cost me every resource I should value: time, money, effort, energy.
I just cannot seem to summon the willpower to shake my sense of...absense; though it binds me, though it blinds me. It seems defeat is before me and I'm quite prepared to succumb.
Iwanttowanttoliveoutsidemyselfishness. Iwanttowanttoloveforyou.
Show me please, something new.
Friday, October 03, 2008
My challenge for this new month...
Yes, this is my attempt to pay off my debts and live on the edge for this month. Since I have full time placement at a school for the next three weeks, I will be required to bring packed lunches daily, this should ease off my money pressures considerably. *heavy sighs and rolled eyes
Wish me wisdom! ;)
who needs luck if you could be wise?
to live on fifty dollars.
Yes, this is my attempt to pay off my debts and live on the edge for this month. Since I have full time placement at a school for the next three weeks, I will be required to bring packed lunches daily, this should ease off my money pressures considerably. *heavy sighs and rolled eyes
Wish me wisdom! ;)
who needs luck if you could be wise?
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I suppose you've just challenged me out of my predicament.
I feel a little more reformed to hold together sufficiently enough to move forward and shatter your misconception, however closely related to my actual situation it may be. Wahaha! For all I know, you've triggered my defense mechanisms which shout out against my current form. You've made me want to be brave because you uttered the accusation I loathe to be associated with or as. Thank you, M.
I've won this battle, there is no need for a rematch. Depression is gone from me.
That which took me three or so years to overcome seven or so years ago. Enough time stolen, I am no longer helpless, no longer hopeless. Geez, took me long enough to wake up!
God, strengthen my resolve; my focus is weak.
Your power, made perfect in my weakness. Beautiful.
Your grace, sufficient. Devine.
Your love: pure, just, holy, infinite, exactly what I need, exactly all I have.
I feel a little more reformed to hold together sufficiently enough to move forward and shatter your misconception, however closely related to my actual situation it may be. Wahaha! For all I know, you've triggered my defense mechanisms which shout out against my current form. You've made me want to be brave because you uttered the accusation I loathe to be associated with or as. Thank you, M.
I've won this battle, there is no need for a rematch. Depression is gone from me.
That which took me three or so years to overcome seven or so years ago. Enough time stolen, I am no longer helpless, no longer hopeless. Geez, took me long enough to wake up!
God, strengthen my resolve; my focus is weak.
Your power, made perfect in my weakness. Beautiful.
Your grace, sufficient. Devine.
Your love: pure, just, holy, infinite, exactly what I need, exactly all I have.
"Everyone prays- kind of. It's our most human action. At the deep centre of our lives, we are connected somehow or other with God. That deep center often gets buries under the everyday debris of routine and distraction and chatter, while we shuffle about out of touch and unaware of our true selves. Then a sudden jolt opens a crevasse, exposing for a moment our bedrock self: spontaneously we pray. We're made by and for the voice of God- listening to and answering that voice is our most characteristic act. We are most ourselves when we pray.
The jolt comes variously- a stab of pain, a rush of beauty, an encore of joy; we exclaim, "God!" The cry can be complaint or curse or praise, no matter, it's prayer. When that deep, deep centre of our lives is exposed- our core humanity, which biblical writers so vigoriously designate as "heart"- we unthinkingly revert to our first language: we pray.
For some that's the end of it, brief and random exclamations scattered haphazardly across a lifetime. But others of us, not content to be our true selves incidently, hunt for ways to cultivate fluency. More often than not, the hunt turns up its quarry in the psalms."
Eugene H. Peterson (1979), Praying with the psalms, New York: HarperCollins, (p:introduction).
The jolt comes variously- a stab of pain, a rush of beauty, an encore of joy; we exclaim, "God!" The cry can be complaint or curse or praise, no matter, it's prayer. When that deep, deep centre of our lives is exposed- our core humanity, which biblical writers so vigoriously designate as "heart"- we unthinkingly revert to our first language: we pray.
For some that's the end of it, brief and random exclamations scattered haphazardly across a lifetime. But others of us, not content to be our true selves incidently, hunt for ways to cultivate fluency. More often than not, the hunt turns up its quarry in the psalms."
Eugene H. Peterson (1979), Praying with the psalms, New York: HarperCollins, (p:introduction).
for the sake of self-preservation
Letted go.
I guess, I hoped we'd at least be friends.
Alas the benefit of this doubt I hardly gave mention to, is simply whisps of empty breath.
This position of "knew him once, he never looked back" is a little dissapointing, your so much more shallow than I remembered. Seems like the tide rose and you were satisfied just washing away. I don't know where you are now, and if I cared to, I do suppose it'd just hurt.
So farewell, perhaps never again. Thank you for helping me let go, you've given me ample notice to never expect of you again. I know love is unconditional...but...you know what you do. You can't say no but you can't follow through. I might see you again, mixed feeling about which I'd rather. I'll forget you soon. i hope you find God again.
love (i think this is the last I might, for you),
me.
I guess, I hoped we'd at least be friends.
Alas the benefit of this doubt I hardly gave mention to, is simply whisps of empty breath.
This position of "knew him once, he never looked back" is a little dissapointing, your so much more shallow than I remembered. Seems like the tide rose and you were satisfied just washing away. I don't know where you are now, and if I cared to, I do suppose it'd just hurt.
So farewell, perhaps never again. Thank you for helping me let go, you've given me ample notice to never expect of you again. I know love is unconditional...but...you know what you do. You can't say no but you can't follow through. I might see you again, mixed feeling about which I'd rather. I'll forget you soon. i hope you find God again.
love (i think this is the last I might, for you),
me.
Monday, September 29, 2008
There MUST be more than this provincial life!
"look, there she goes
the girl is strange, no question
dazed and distracted, can't you tell?
never part of any crowd
cause her head's up on some cloud
no denying she's a funny girl, that Belle"
the girl is strange, no question
dazed and distracted, can't you tell?
never part of any crowd
cause her head's up on some cloud
no denying she's a funny girl, that Belle"
Thursday, September 25, 2008
recollections of friday, monday, wednesday and today's thursday.
the down side: the beach makes everything else comparatively worse still!
i wish i was a beach, i'd be the most beautiful thing in the world, next to my friends.
This weight of sleep deprivation and 16hour days is taking its toll on me. I do believe I can say that I'm living life as fully as I know how...but I don't suppose I know how to very well. My hair is wet and my eyes, heavy.
Good
night.
I'll show you pictures later, of my visits to a place I can loose myself temporarily to carefree and careless ways...I love how the beach can do that to you. I love how you don't need company to do so.
God,
you made it
so beautiful.
Good
night.
I'll show you pictures later, of my visits to a place I can loose myself temporarily to carefree and careless ways...I love how the beach can do that to you. I love how you don't need company to do so.
God,
you made it
so beautiful.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
rooted
i tried, for the second time this year to say goodbye.
the words, the action...failed me.
i suppose i am rooted a little deeper than i thought.
and my roots, entwined a little more in this network that is my friends, than i imagined.
I cannot leave. I could, but loose everything that I am in the process. My entire belief system weighs upon this love. I cannot turn away from it without loosing purpose, drive and hope. I won't say I wasn't a second away from jumping, but upon my attempt, I was help back by the love of my fellows and their prayers for me during my arm wrestle with irrationality. Plus, you managed to whisper There is still more that I have for you to do. I'm not done with you yet.
Little me, beside herself with tantrums.
Forgive, thanks.
Love, always.
the words, the action...failed me.
i suppose i am rooted a little deeper than i thought.
and my roots, entwined a little more in this network that is my friends, than i imagined.
I cannot leave. I could, but loose everything that I am in the process. My entire belief system weighs upon this love. I cannot turn away from it without loosing purpose, drive and hope. I won't say I wasn't a second away from jumping, but upon my attempt, I was help back by the love of my fellows and their prayers for me during my arm wrestle with irrationality. Plus, you managed to whisper There is still more that I have for you to do. I'm not done with you yet.
Little me, beside herself with tantrums.
Forgive, thanks.
Love, always.
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