Who I am.

Dear Today,

You've been savage to me. Today I want to blame you for everything wrong that happens in your shift, although there has been no official "bad thing". I don't know why, but you've stimulated feelings in me I cannot justify...

I feel like cigarette butts and dust clouds, like car pile ups and lonely pensioners. I feel like a dying patient, a junkie in remorse and a sad teenager just impregnated. I feel like the one person who could have prevented nine-eleven but hesitated seven seconds too long.

And why?

I'm the kid who punched you in the face because you whispered something under your breath that made me insecure and defensive, so i gave you my all and walked away. I'm the girl who started dating you before I broke up with him but was too coward to sever either, so I lost you both. I'm the 'coke' dealer and I'm the alcoholic father who cries the rare times he's sober, but abuses his family every other time. I'm the handsome year eleven sex addict who womanises every pretty girl and breaks their heart within his three week rule.

As it turns out, I need a little help.

I'm the friendly person with nobody to call.
I am the self-righteous christian trying to imagine forgiveness...wondering where she went wrong.

I am the two-packet-day smoker with the four year old asthmatic son, picking up the phone and dialing quitline; desperately hoping that little person in my telephone can save us from the effect I've caused.

Finally, I am the hopeful with a weak heart, who just received a call.

They've found me a new heart.

I am the hopeful with a 74% chance of success, knowing that this operation will kill me or give me a new stronger life. I am the hopeful believing that my new strong heart will help me earn a living, enough to help me pay off the expense that it cost me to get it. I am the hopeful who longs for life whatever the cost.

I hear you have a new heart for me.
This operation is not painless, nor is it cheap and easy.
But...
but I want to live.
I rather the pain of growing, the pain of relearning and the pain of rehabiliation than the pain of dying. Dying pain is useless and depressing. Growing pains are amazing for resilience! And I'm trying to grow mine :)