Love life. Live love.

Life ain't gonna get any better. You are.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

brand new canvas
A whole new blog engine for hopefully fresh new steps in my outlooks on life.

I think everytime I reinvent myself, the hardest part is finding a new name. I haven't worn into this name yet, but I suppose I will. What is a name but letters strung together to pronounce a sound I'm to be called by anyway?

Today is lovely, as are you.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

four and a half years laid to rest

Tonight, I close this.

I think I've learnt much over these 4 and a half years of restlessness, curiousity, soul-searching and very critiquing reflection. If you would so much as peruse through the first year or two of this blog, you'll bare naked my shameful writing style and abstractly riddled concepts. From being afraid of being known but wanting so much to be in 2005, my technique has changed yet that fact has not by 2009. I've learnt how to tantrum with type rather than on people, yet I have invisible readers who come here only to be burdened by my legible vomits of social guilt and self-despise. I don't plan to bottle these emotions having established writing as my relief from implosion, however, I no longer intend to dwell on them (although I doubt I could be completely apart from it, since I think I've become skilled at hating myself for my embedded narcissism).

I will birth a new page to empty myself onto, but all that later. In the mean time I will spill onto the "little appendix page"- but that one never held a concrete position like this one. Both blogspots will no longer manifest my thoughts or feelings, my instability or motion-sickness. These pages are closing. Thank you. Whoever you are, I always wanted to be read, but I never wanted to be influenced by my readers into producing for them, so I appreciate you being invisible (but I do appreciate you, "ritzy", for being a regular blog-support). This chapter of self-discovery I close and a new one I will open before the new year. I suppose when I'm grown up, I'll come back here (given blogspot does not collapse on me), and remember my insecurities, my joys, a few passions and appreciate growth.

Abba, this is all very uncertain; this something new I give to you.

Goodnight, my loves.
I'll write.

ps: life ain't gonna get any better, you are.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


let's scrap this plate and dwell in superficial for a while now.
i fell in love with this $150 adidas multitasking number.

oh and i dont want to write here anymore.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Dear God, I'm gross, look away but don't leave me.

What I can't stand, is how desensitised to counterfeit value and oblivious to genuine love I've become. The instruction to be in the world and not of it has fallen like dry words, resembling autumn's open morgue of dead leaves, for me to crackle under my every hypocritical step. I want so much to be away from here. Where can you find purity in this here perverse and overtly shameful surface we momentarily dwell? My best friends are loosing theirs and the children I love part-time are trading theirs for "something cooler". My desires of late frequent passionless, purposeless, faith-weak 'things'. Love is reflected less and less in the things I do and the little I do express somehow My prayers are inconsistent and mostly confined to the walls of the church. My church is lovely, but attending isn't going to satisfy my spirit. The church cannot drag me into a limp relationship with an Almighty God. Having reflected on the little I do and the much I waste, my disgust of my current position has me rushing headlong into shallow pools of rash quick-fix attempts to "cure" myself, or at least, slow my fast demise into a soulfully ugly. I have to stop watching tv like I do, I have to get over these self-promoting networking sites like facebook. I need to reacquaint myself with the fear of the Lord, because I don't fear him at the moment, not nearly enough to be quaking from my stupidity and half-hearted everything. Why didn't that mission trip change me? Why didn't the testimonies I cried over make me a better person? Why do I find myself at the alter week in, week out having ruined everything I tried to re-establish within 7 days of trying? Why am I here again? Why haven't I changed anyone?

I used to wonder how Israel could have forgotten all the good that God had done for them in years, months, days...but I am no more righteous than they, I am just the same.

But I know the perfect time for change is...

Monday, November 16, 2009

butter fingers

oh geez, i love this clip, her glove is wicked. his style is admirable...i think

I'm attracted to the high life. Went to a fancy place last night, entered rigid and slightly horrified, exited having made friends with the bartender- a beautifull 23yo who made me my first martini . I loved it. I plan to go again, not to dine, but to sit at the bar, talk with my new friend enjoy the deco, etc, etc, occassion to look good, forget pretences, forget patterns and feel like a night could be worth more than my bank has ever held.

At present, my thoughts elude my commitments. I said I'd think about things, important things and do things, things that resemble responsibility...thus far my words and actions have not equated any of these. I daydream and I wonder what it would be like to be "free" - whatever that means - not confined by either my two digit bank account or my fears...and responsibilities.

Hello God, I've been avoiding you of late...
I need to find you or my limitless and pointless and selfish desires will consume me and I will have wasted much time when you by far surpass these. I'm looking for validation again and I know where to find it, I don't know why it takes me so long to return to you. Seeing my friends' apparently satisfying validation via other means deceives me. I have none but you here, none but you near. Now where's that bible?

Sunday, November 08, 2009

ps: i'm not in love.

I think a misconception of regularity, but one of very common sense, is that pattern erodes meaning. On a very separate note, I think my sister's natural beauty is magnified when she's got hair behind one ear and the same shoulder and not behind the other ear with her hair in front of the latter shoulder. Sort of like half back, half forward.

...I think I'm going to learn video editing to launch my 2nd newest hobby, since my newest hobby was learning the ukulele and it appears everyone who previously knew how to play the guitar seems to know how to pick up and play my ukulele, I don't feel too special having learnt one song in 20minutes when kev learnt it in 2. That was too long a sentence, I doubt it made sense.

So no, I'm not in love, I think my particular sense of absence at the time isolated my expression of missing two friends in particular last night, thus appearing infatuated. Catherine Zeta Jones is -insert-selected-word-for-"very-beautiful"-...

I'll be in trouble tomorrow. I rather save the world than do my assignments.
the key to Hillary: eheh

there is no alternative


I can't seem to make any of this comprehensive. There is no collateral. I have frustratingly lonely, seemingly insignificant puzzle pieces and the only concept resembling "sense" is the absence of the other pieces. All I know is that I miss you right now and I'll have to get through it without you because that's the only way I'll get to see you later.
You'd never know though, I'd never tell you.
I mean, I just did, but I don't even think you come here.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

positioned horribly

seventeen pimples to outlive by saturday, two and a half assignments by monday.
who ever said life was boring?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

the convenient friend

i just wondered why I'm interested in the people I'm interested in, and why I'm friends with the friends I'm friends with.

I think, for the most part, it came down to convenience. Beginning transitional stages from acquaintance to friendship were weighed with convenience in most cases.

I also caught myself wondering how comfortable I'd feel with a boyfriend. This was followed by reprimand as my past few days indulged in much wasted time and a boyfriend would only make me feel better about wasting time, which is hardly a challenging relationship. That is my fear, that upon establishing a relationship intended for the remainder of my lifetime, comfort would become a snare, clogging the crevices otherwise intended as friction to challenge each other, iron on iron. Having witnessed my friends find a comfortable rut to settle into with a "nice" companion, with whom all things feel-good accompany, strikes me at grossly pointless.
As is, my time is my responsibility. My emotions and moods and motivations are my responsibility. If I feel like dirt, it is my responsibility to climb out of that hole; if there are Check Spellingfrustrations and difficulties, it is mine to flesh out. However, this paves the way to another fear I abhor, that I would become a self-made person, giving rise to pride, excessive defence-mechanisms and lack of trust in other people...not to mention failure.

I can't remember ever having achieved a beautiful balance. It's as elusive as the horizon.

Wahaha, apart from this we're-all-doomed-to-the-thousand-different-ways-of-perishing lament, I've actually got to get off my hypocrisy heavy ass and begin to do work. Today, I'd like to have ticked off 25% of my second last essay, learnt how to tune and play a handful of chords on the ukulele, gone for a walk/jog, written my observations from placement, returned a library book and I wont get too ambitious with my day, not because I don't like ambition but because I don't want to fail today, because there's been too much of it lately.

ps: i hate writing about boyfriends and relationships, but it was at the tip of my fingers and the concept is very bittersweet. I'm the skeptic outside looking in, who hopes to not have to eat her words at a later date.

Monday, November 02, 2009

sometimes i imagine i'm the director

my very very first youtube upload video montage:

This is a bad time to discover a new hobby...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

wish you were here, ex oh ex oh.

My inaccurate thermometer points its fluro yellow finger to 25. I'm quite certain it's about 3 degrees higher than accurate, so I would believe it was 22 degrees in the kitchen at present. The house is empty, save me. The fridge hums a straight B note while the washing machine gargles and digests the dark clothes. Today sighs "indoor tranquility" while outside maintains the alter ego of a tempestuous siren, who who lure out the unsuspecting eager to enjoy a day prancing outside, only to get heavily burned and smitten with exhaustion and probably dehydration.

My gown-ish, dress-ish horizontally striped deep blue and white pajamas, I don't plan to change out of today unless somebody calls me to. I drove my cousin to the station this morning in them and they didn't have a detrimental effect on the world so I decided that comfort, today will be my abyss.

I wish you were here now. I just want, just be and not do anything at the moment but just be...with you. But I won't today, so instead I'll see God for lunch and we'll have chats instead!

The tune I'm totally charmed by right now is Jet's "She's A Genius". There's something about the exclamation of the label "Genius" that just allows the receiver of the compliment to walk on sunshine. One day I'll be a genius, to at least one other person...(one could only hope).

Happy day chumps, we'll make today a better-than-yesterday!

ps: should I go to oaks day? and spend $50-70? and get sunburnt with the uni girls?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


There's nothing like a light reprimand from an omnipresent God to reiterate how purposeful and intention-careful one must be when trying to be a salty representation of said God.

It was my idea to go to the beach. It was also my idea to drive a heck of a lot this week. It was my idea to offer lifts to who-ever in my last week of uni. My intention, I thought, was to be helpful to others, to use these opportunities to spread a little bit of love.

Alas, to my horror, my intentions were intertwined with selfish underlining. So today, in graceful nudges, the God -whom I love- told me to bite my tongue and stop complaining. He asked again who I was really doing what I was doing for. And finally asked if I wanted the words I say to have little meaning and to be in lines of irrational or throwaway-lack-of-authenticity patterns.

I didn't like my attitude. I still sort of don't.
I was, however, satisfied with this conviction and felt relieved by the truth of the wise, wise spirit who resides within me.

Thank God for God...
& beaches, & tie-dye skies in spring sunsets.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

from my birthday 08 until now: these were the thoughts that weren't published. But the old me fascinates me and maybe you so i'll publish them now.

your beauty is beyond me!

and the day's been...interesting, all events aside. I was blessed a little more than usual today, materials and materials placed in front of me, things worth value in this world and laughable matters that would usually entertain here, heres to another year, heres to the realisation that nothing is of worth to be aside from your love. To the yearning for something eventful to happen, because you make my world

i'll have the isolated dish, thanks

So it appears my appetite has dropped, or my freedom to afford it has anyway. No, not the money, though it does seem to have a way of disappearing unexpectedly. However, my hunger to learn about Love and the infinite definitions that we define it by has upped in its own ante. It seems...nothing is as it seems. Oh the cliche has captured me today. And i go through experiences where i want to be annoyed and cannot remove my peace of mind or the weak but permanent smile. OR i want to be happy but i cannot un-furrow my brow and the smile seems to fall off like an un-sticky sticker.

So, you told me, a whisper ago that you

Depresso Espresso now now, why get all resentful and disapointed.

Generation Y, my dear generation. you never fail to break my heart and make me feel it is acceptable to feel broken. But it's not oke. it's not oke. You're not oke.
Your too quickly disheartened and too quickly accepted for it.

i didnt understand today.

It was like everything that needed to be done exploded in a mushroom cloud.

i think home has felt my absence of late. i dont like being home to process the thoughts that bother me. so i disapear to somebody else's home. it is an easy procrastination. Plus, i enjoy the company of my friends.

congratulations on making it thus far!

I was actually in search of intelligent conversation and your name sprung to mind!

in all honesty

i think ive begun to feel my personal space a little crowded.
and i love yoru company, i just think i might've overdosed myself a little.

it was still about me

i wanted to do it. myself.

think im loosing my mind

what more can i add?
i might be loosing my calm also...

i want to close my eyes and not say a word in the safety of your embrace, with only the request "wake me when it's over".


YEAH WELL...what can i say?
doubts happen.

They all mentioned their dues, the entire time he was hardly listening. One by one, stating something or other about why they were there. It was all a fog, he couldn't care about their concerns and successes, he didn't have the capacity to. All too quickly the talk came to settle on him, and the murmurs of the room subsided into a suitably eerie culture as he took the floor.

Nausea was not far from him.
"Hi, I here."

"Haha! Hi New Here!" "What's your name!" "Name buddy!" The chorus of taints kept his walls up.

"It doesn't matter. I'm here now but I won't be for long. I'm just here, at rock bottom to find out what's holding me back"

"I've got the answer for you! NOTHING. You fell by your own accord and weak the rest of us"

He wanted to hit her but she was already at the same pathetic place he was and some sort of truth came from her putrid lips.

One more, she is a liar

I'm no local from this dark place, just passing through.

Just so happens today sits on the more beautiful scale of life.

he said "i love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning"

i thought about it, then agreed.

The want wishfully list:

-Joy in my Job for January.
-Fun and friends in the freedom of February till uni starts up again.
-A Routine to march strongly

all anyone needs to know is that what we do is worthwhile

This idiotic desire for senseless adoration gnaws at me. Just to be spoilt by someone(s) I could forget soon after and call upon only at will. I want to waste time, precious as is. I want not to care, to be the unrequited lover. So I believe it a blessing in disguise that there is none I hold in intimate enough regard to take advantage of this way. You lie to me and for the better, but I feel worse. Then again, feelings are like the shifting sands we insist on building upon.

I want to go somewhere forgotten, somewhere abandoned,

and allow escape to my frustrations through destruction.
I want to scream. Your lies are caught inside my head.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
It's funny now, I feel like the tide is more unpredictable and considerably more extreme than...I forget.

I hate what if's. Wishful thinking at it's most desperate.

My fingers want to type out stories but my head can't keep up.

I'm seeing my best friend today. She's something special.
It's funny how I call her my best friend now. We don't have to be close, and she'd still be it, but we are...occasionally.

I still wonder occassionally what would happen when love happens.

Guess I'll give it a try.

Can't loose no more time it's now or never

I tried to remember who I used to be.
I can't carry on like this I will lose my friends

Don't say that you have given up on me.

I see them coming. Mediocrity and Melancholy

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Forgive me Father, I know not what I do.

Yes...having sobered from my self-despise slash frustration slash forgotten security slash blind selfishness, I now see strikingly clearer. The dust my own feet kicked up has somewhat settled and I've begun to see the mess in bitesize and chewable chunks. None of any of my solutions (hopefully long-term and routine) have anything to do with anybody else. It's all on my head. This here child is wanting to grow up.

I'm sort of ashamed of the fits I throw, my implosions of senseless bitterness, my excuses to abuse my body (yes, I've acknowledged over-eating and emotional eating as self-inflicted harm and although somewhat amusing, utterly stupid and too influential of my daily handling), my obvious negligence regarding friends with the excuse that "they started it!" and finally, my semi-devotion (the much loathed, luke-warmth) to God. All of the above, I'm attempting to "fix" for the umteenth time in my hopes of being a better person, in my hopes of meaning what I say, and walking as I boast.

Heck, I'm a billboard for Christianity and I'd hate to think that I might so much as project a crumb of anything contrary to the agape love, passionate justice and absolute truth that God is. But who am I fooling? I'm nowhere near the sort of Christian standard that Jesus illustrated in his many parables and teachings.

So I'll sweep everything off the table and try and try and try again. Because we only live once and because my life is but a breath. But a breath, let me be one most refreshing. Start again, I have nobody to blame. Moth Teresa and Helen Keller (just to name a couple) didn't blame anyone. They probably had less means than I (save the strength from their depths) to change the world and ripple such a violent recoil into poverty's unequivocal hold on mankind- that continues to inspire many a hopeful also to wage war on selfishnes-, that silences my complaints. As mentioned by the mentor, in the grand scheme of things, how petty are these complaints...really. Go and dig up gold in the friends whose elbows are driven sharp into your side - yeah, go and get over yourself.

But a breath. No more, no less.
...I say all this now and I'm sure I sound very brave, but I...yeah, have no idea.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

oh, do i make you sick too?

I've wasted so much time today, hopefully I can go to church in 45minutes and feel better about myself, the world and this wasted time. But now that I've said it like feel-good hopes will probably evade me. I shame Christianity, don't I? I'll say sorry now and mean it later.

What are you doing, Nicole? You're getting fat.
Oh shut up ya face is ugly.
So BiPolar right now.
You're beautiful. Bite me.

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