i don't know why i was so affected by the news.
i don't know why half of me nearly died...
it wasn't the news, its just that part of me just lurched and wished forlornly in vain. I won't lie, i did feel the slightest pang of jealousy that you received what you did. But its gone now.
You've been so blessed, but so have I. In different ways. It's just like that. I'm glad for you!
Jesus, lets go, you and me, we'll plow through this field, trek up this mountain, we'll conquer the world! we'll sail the harshest seas, I know our adventures are only beginning. I know the love has only just begun to blossom, only just begun to mature, to strengthen through adversity, through my unfaithfulness. I've yet to "know" love. I am yet to discover you completely, will i ever?
I'd like for you to take me. I'd like for you to shape me; bring me through the fire. I'd like you to burn the images from my mind: my plans, my dreams, my aspirations, my fantasies. Because they too often get in the way of yours. I don't want to want anything outside of you. This fight is a little more horrific than i imagined. i forgot there were so many casualties. I wish....i mean, i pray that you be the one holding my hands up because I don't want my tiredness to cause others to fall. I was deceived again, the smokescreen was this world and it's "happy endings" and again, after long (too long) i remembered it is not the reality. The spiritual battle i've suddenly found myself reeled into, is frightening. Give me courage. Courage, my love. I want to fight, I want to do you proud, I want to save the people dying around me. I want to die to myself. I want life to the fullest meaning...with you.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I
don't
want
to
try
to
impress
you
.
I have a love
just and true
wish you could have it too.
I can't complain,
didn't have to earn it
have you ever known it?
to you i may not be perfect
try as i might
so faith will keep me going
hard tho the walls i hit may be
to keep a fire in me glowing
get me fuel for my passion
someone watch my way
to chase away complacency, I
want it not to stay.
to be as full as potential would have me
understand to the fullest the Lord's will to be;
me in God's presence, broken shackles and free.
.
don't
want
to
try
to
impress
you
.
I have a love
just and true
wish you could have it too.
I can't complain,
didn't have to earn it
have you ever known it?
to you i may not be perfect
try as i might
so faith will keep me going
hard tho the walls i hit may be
to keep a fire in me glowing
get me fuel for my passion
someone watch my way
to chase away complacency, I
want it not to stay.
to be as full as potential would have me
understand to the fullest the Lord's will to be;
me in God's presence, broken shackles and free.
.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
acrobatics cont...
She knew it. It resided somewhere amongst the deep mass of her hoarded head-knowledge. Somewhere between "animals can smell fear on you so don't let them know it" and "do not hold your breath while swallowing swords because your throat will tense" was the screaming knowledge "YOU HAVE A HARNESS, YOU WILL NOT DIE IF YOU JUMP".
Damnit. Why are my legs still composed of only jelly? Jump damnit! I can do this!
The ground seemed to shift beneath her every time she looked down. Her depth perception was deceiving her, she knew it was exaggerated (or was she actually that high?). What did it matter? She had a harness! She could not fall! Oh how she longed in early days to gracefully continue her beautiful heritage of acrobatics.
Father, Ric Ses-Thujs, how isit you did it? How is it I cannot?
It wasn't as if she didn't enjoy it, it was exhilarating to say the least! She could not take her eyes off the others when they performed their flying series. She never felt like she ever had a full breath when she was in the air yet it was the most satisfying moments she could imagine. It was freedom. It was in her blood... she was just yet to discover her ability. She wasn't hopeless. She knew it, her practices were well choreographed. But somehow, when push came to shove, in the performances that mattered she found herself shaken and insecure.
Damnit, why are there so many people ready to criticize?
And she hated how she brought shame to the family name, she beamed with pride when in the arms of her father, the great Acrobat Bravura, and when in the company of her grandfather, Dor Gold. She loved their work, their success, their belief, their strength, their confidence and authority over gravity. She'd seek their guidance on a frequent basis, although she knew she could've done so more often. Yet they had patience with her, they believed in her and that somehow...somehow, she too would be a great acrobat! However, she received many 'firm' words, firm but spoken out of a sometimes invisible love.
She practiced, and began taking on not only the movements but the standings her father taught her. One, vital standing, she had spent about 4 years trying to master. The perception of the crowd. The crowd did not consist of critics (although it very often seemed that way) but of willing acrobat-to-bes and novices who needed to observe to learn the techniques of the routines she performed.
23# Example and understanding come before the constructing of action and mastering of movement.
Thus she was not obligated for perfection to avoid scrutiny and criticism, but excellence was required in that the on lookers needed as accurate an example as possible to construct and connect technique with reason. The perception of the crowd affected very easily Kifonn-Kig's performance as fearing the crowd gave focus on what not to do, as opposed to seeing the crowd as novices needing teaching; giving focus on what to do right.
...
Another vital, she could not do acrobatics for herself alone; for all who persisted as such did not live happily ever after. Selfishness in the art of acrobatics which purposed to share and continue entertainment and enjoyment would either destroy the circus or the acrobat. One-man-teams were the fear of every circus, none could get by without the unity of each circus actor and conductor. She felt passionate to teach the younger onlookers anyway. She yearned to share her joy with them, demonstrate the freedom acrobatics gave her and how they too could further their skills through the art! She could not abandon her circus anyhow, with encouragement, cheer and joy they had spurred her on and she could recall many a time she was swayed from giving up.
(Wahahaha, i think structure and consistency are in lack this time! again, exhaustion tires my thoughts and fingers. G'night.)
Damnit. Why are my legs still composed of only jelly? Jump damnit! I can do this!
The ground seemed to shift beneath her every time she looked down. Her depth perception was deceiving her, she knew it was exaggerated (or was she actually that high?). What did it matter? She had a harness! She could not fall! Oh how she longed in early days to gracefully continue her beautiful heritage of acrobatics.
Father, Ric Ses-Thujs, how isit you did it? How is it I cannot?
It wasn't as if she didn't enjoy it, it was exhilarating to say the least! She could not take her eyes off the others when they performed their flying series. She never felt like she ever had a full breath when she was in the air yet it was the most satisfying moments she could imagine. It was freedom. It was in her blood... she was just yet to discover her ability. She wasn't hopeless. She knew it, her practices were well choreographed. But somehow, when push came to shove, in the performances that mattered she found herself shaken and insecure.
Damnit, why are there so many people ready to criticize?
And she hated how she brought shame to the family name, she beamed with pride when in the arms of her father, the great Acrobat Bravura, and when in the company of her grandfather, Dor Gold. She loved their work, their success, their belief, their strength, their confidence and authority over gravity. She'd seek their guidance on a frequent basis, although she knew she could've done so more often. Yet they had patience with her, they believed in her and that somehow...somehow, she too would be a great acrobat! However, she received many 'firm' words, firm but spoken out of a sometimes invisible love.
She practiced, and began taking on not only the movements but the standings her father taught her. One, vital standing, she had spent about 4 years trying to master. The perception of the crowd. The crowd did not consist of critics (although it very often seemed that way) but of willing acrobat-to-bes and novices who needed to observe to learn the techniques of the routines she performed.
23# Example and understanding come before the constructing of action and mastering of movement.
Thus she was not obligated for perfection to avoid scrutiny and criticism, but excellence was required in that the on lookers needed as accurate an example as possible to construct and connect technique with reason. The perception of the crowd affected very easily Kifonn-Kig's performance as fearing the crowd gave focus on what not to do, as opposed to seeing the crowd as novices needing teaching; giving focus on what to do right.
...
Another vital, she could not do acrobatics for herself alone; for all who persisted as such did not live happily ever after. Selfishness in the art of acrobatics which purposed to share and continue entertainment and enjoyment would either destroy the circus or the acrobat. One-man-teams were the fear of every circus, none could get by without the unity of each circus actor and conductor. She felt passionate to teach the younger onlookers anyway. She yearned to share her joy with them, demonstrate the freedom acrobatics gave her and how they too could further their skills through the art! She could not abandon her circus anyhow, with encouragement, cheer and joy they had spurred her on and she could recall many a time she was swayed from giving up.
(Wahahaha, i think structure and consistency are in lack this time! again, exhaustion tires my thoughts and fingers. G'night.)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
He was historically known as the Acrobat Bravura. His nic-name, derived from a headline that stuck. Every circus from conductor, director to clown and monkey knew of him. He was the controversy of acrobatics. Depending on the politics of each traveling circus, his name commanded either utter respect and loyalty or despise and offense.
His name was Ric Ses-Thujs. An unusual name. Nobody could confidently know his heritage. He was very much a mystery.
It was clear, after numerous disciples, Dor Gold's wish was for an heir to continue the name of acrobatics: clear, concise with perfection. This was widely known, and speculation circulated around the country and further to the world that Dor Gold had had a son. Hopes were high and the world held it's breath.
Apparently there was a young adolescent girl who's pedantic perfectionist nature concerning her acrobatics delighted Gold and he took her and guided her way. She soon conceived a son. Gold began teaching his son as soon as he entered the world, the art of acrobatics. The media chased them as did obsessive followers. His son grew till about 13 until disappearing. Record of him was a trickle and interest was lost
...until he returned again at the impossible age of 30. A sturdy, fit and handsome man simply walked into a circus and claimed to be the son of Dor Gold. His name was Ric Ses-Thujs. An unusual name. Nobody could confidently know his heritage. He was very much a mystery.
But he came with the confidence and fearlessness that could only be identified with that of Dor Gold's! He traveled from circus to circus performing magnificent stunts and unbelievable feats that wowed the crowd, and before long he had created a fast growing fan-base. But with his fast popularity brewed jealousy which bloomed into hate and despise. Other acrobats, previously thought of as amazing, were now behind thoughts of Ric Ses-Thujs. They grew cold and gathered to plan for his demise.
To cut this story short, they (the jealous lot) crafted a shifty plan that eventually trapped Ric into leaving. But not without the last superb, brilliantly dazzling, death defying performance the world had ever witnessed. The performance responsible for the headline 'Acrobat Bravura' which stuck. It was talked about for years, and still circulates to this day, the act which changed the world!
But wait! the legacy didn't stop there. You see, Ric Ses-Thujs was not without children either.
I will briefly mention one. Her name: Kifonn-Kig. Because she was a direct line from the brilliant 'Acrobat Bravura' she was not given much leeway for mistakes. Yet she made many. She and a few other siblings were actually shaming the family name. It had no shadow on Ric's name because he had proved himself to the world, the world just didn't understand how his children were not sufficiently acrobatically savvy! And why a good percentage of his children were half afraid of heights! This trend was shaming the family name!
excuse me, the story just got exhausted. i would continue but my thoughts are consumed by yawns and heavy blinking. You do the math.
His name was Ric Ses-Thujs. An unusual name. Nobody could confidently know his heritage. He was very much a mystery.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
See the "Father of Acrobatics" was a magnificent acrobat! One of his many circus names was Dor Gold. It was rumoured he could evaluate any move in his mind, see it as an imprint that would be mentally taught to every fibre of his body, then do it successfully. Fearlessly. He began the movement of entertainment we are now familiar with: called "acrobatics". He floated to and fro around the world trying to teach people the art of acrobatics. He would choose certain people of apparent "lacking" but saw deeper into potential that the circus directors and conductors couldn't and made splendid acrobatics out of all whom he taught. Every disciple of his had at least one season of glory until one weakness or another exhausted their ability and overwhelmed their success. It was clear, after numerous disciples, Dor Gold's wish was for an heir to continue the name of acrobatics: clear, concise with perfection. This was widely known, and speculation circulated around the country and further to the world that Dor Gold had had a son. Hopes were high and the world held it's breath.
Apparently there was a young adolescent girl who's pedantic perfectionist nature concerning her acrobatics delighted Gold and he took her and guided her way. She soon conceived a son. Gold began teaching his son as soon as he entered the world, the art of acrobatics. The media chased them as did obsessive followers. His son grew till about 13 until disappearing. Record of him was a trickle and interest was lost
...until he returned again at the impossible age of 30. A sturdy, fit and handsome man simply walked into a circus and claimed to be the son of Dor Gold. His name was Ric Ses-Thujs. An unusual name. Nobody could confidently know his heritage. He was very much a mystery.
But he came with the confidence and fearlessness that could only be identified with that of Dor Gold's! He traveled from circus to circus performing magnificent stunts and unbelievable feats that wowed the crowd, and before long he had created a fast growing fan-base. But with his fast popularity brewed jealousy which bloomed into hate and despise. Other acrobats, previously thought of as amazing, were now behind thoughts of Ric Ses-Thujs. They grew cold and gathered to plan for his demise.
To cut this story short, they (the jealous lot) crafted a shifty plan that eventually trapped Ric into leaving. But not without the last superb, brilliantly dazzling, death defying performance the world had ever witnessed. The performance responsible for the headline 'Acrobat Bravura' which stuck. It was talked about for years, and still circulates to this day, the act which changed the world!
But wait! the legacy didn't stop there. You see, Ric Ses-Thujs was not without children either.
I will briefly mention one. Her name: Kifonn-Kig. Because she was a direct line from the brilliant 'Acrobat Bravura' she was not given much leeway for mistakes. Yet she made many. She and a few other siblings were actually shaming the family name. It had no shadow on Ric's name because he had proved himself to the world, the world just didn't understand how his children were not sufficiently acrobatically savvy! And why a good percentage of his children were half afraid of heights! This trend was shaming the family name!
excuse me, the story just got exhausted. i would continue but my thoughts are consumed by yawns and heavy blinking. You do the math.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
a day late: yesterday's account of minding my own business
I was waiting for the train.
I saw him near.
I saw him, without shame, plunge his hand into the open black bagged bin between us and triumphantly retrieve an upright can of coke. He picked off the little bit of fluff sitting lightly on the top of the can, gave it a little shake weighing his small victory and thrust his head back, thirstily guzzling the liquid jewel. Five seconds later, a satisfied "Aaahhh!".
I saw him gratefully return the favour, with a gentle toss and smile.
He was unusual. Clearly different. Yet I could find no definition for "poor" on him. His clothes weren't tattered or dirty on passing glances, neither was his face. He couldn't have been much older than me. I guessed fifteen or seventeen, he didn't look local. Asian, reasonably small build, childish look. Carefree.
I was intrigued. Did he crave the coke? Or a drink? Did he not know of hygiene? Or did he not care?
And I watched him walk away as I position my headphones to allow clouds of light, warm blue and lonely music stream into my mind. I contemplated asking him if he was hungry...I had snacks I didn't mind parting with. I didn't ask. He walked away, wearing his self-achieved smile.
And I wasn't sure which I was more concerned about: him and his whereabouts in life or me and my absence of remorse following the easy decision to take no action.
I still don't know.
What is the line between minding my own business and acting on a limb? I don't like minding my own business, but i use it as an excuse many a time. I don't know why..
I saw him near.
I saw him, without shame, plunge his hand into the open black bagged bin between us and triumphantly retrieve an upright can of coke. He picked off the little bit of fluff sitting lightly on the top of the can, gave it a little shake weighing his small victory and thrust his head back, thirstily guzzling the liquid jewel. Five seconds later, a satisfied "Aaahhh!".
I saw him gratefully return the favour, with a gentle toss and smile.
He was unusual. Clearly different. Yet I could find no definition for "poor" on him. His clothes weren't tattered or dirty on passing glances, neither was his face. He couldn't have been much older than me. I guessed fifteen or seventeen, he didn't look local. Asian, reasonably small build, childish look. Carefree.
I was intrigued. Did he crave the coke? Or a drink? Did he not know of hygiene? Or did he not care?
And I watched him walk away as I position my headphones to allow clouds of light, warm blue and lonely music stream into my mind. I contemplated asking him if he was hungry...I had snacks I didn't mind parting with. I didn't ask. He walked away, wearing his self-achieved smile.
And I wasn't sure which I was more concerned about: him and his whereabouts in life or me and my absence of remorse following the easy decision to take no action.
I still don't know.
What is the line between minding my own business and acting on a limb? I don't like minding my own business, but i use it as an excuse many a time. I don't know why..
Monday, June 09, 2008
i wonder...
i wonder...
is it better to be
a stranger to a lonely place
or
no stranger to a lonely place?
i wonder...
it is better to watch a war from a television screen
or
watch from 200meters away, as gunfire rallies deafen you?
i wonder...
is it better to have children taken from you, by any definition
or
to be infertile and to have never had children?
i wonder...
why the world waits to be solved
and why we wait for the world to be ready enough to be solved?
wonder why we need a reason to let someone know we love them.
wonder why how we choose the people we openly demonstrate love to.
i wonder if you love me?
it wouldn't stop me loving you.
is it better to be
a stranger to a lonely place
or
no stranger to a lonely place?
i wonder...
it is better to watch a war from a television screen
or
watch from 200meters away, as gunfire rallies deafen you?
i wonder...
is it better to have children taken from you, by any definition
or
to be infertile and to have never had children?
i wonder...
why the world waits to be solved
and why we wait for the world to be ready enough to be solved?
wonder why we need a reason to let someone know we love them.
wonder why how we choose the people we openly demonstrate love to.
i wonder if you love me?
it wouldn't stop me loving you.
Friday, June 06, 2008
He beckoned me with an open hand
Outstretched and calm in reassurance
I accepted the offer and simultaneous demand
that was afforded with such ambition.
Say I to he "We'll escape into nature,
we'll live off the streams and by berries be enticed.
We would away with superficial and material
Imagine! Now don't you think that it'd be nice.?"
In reply he spoke and covered my thoughtless words
"You know jolly well we can't just disappear"
And i did and my unprocessed thoughts of escape: deferred.
We walked into alleyways unexplored 'cept by Fear
So i huffed and I puffed as we ran through the darkness
and stayed very still while the black it enclosed us.
Or perhaps twas my eyes tightly shut to avoid
the menacing mystery of the lurking abroad.
And on "RUN" we both bolted, my legs quickly swimming
to find surface beneath me
My ears deafly ringing.
And the freedom we found from the light that relieved us
was laughter and singing and ear to ear beaming.
We collapsed in a heap of new found fondness
of the hope of the sunlight;
And a new found boldness.
From the darkness, we remembered the smirk both had birthed
from the knowledge that friendship forged strongly had it's perks.
And the rain that began its drumming gradually quicker
prepared for the thunder that soon would be rolled
and we shot each other a quick glance and deeply
breathed in the excitement of another challenge; enthralled.
So we'll rock this stupid world
and we'll drop it's mortal mold.
we'll be Captors of untold dreams
and release joy from split seams.
Outstretched and calm in reassurance
I accepted the offer and simultaneous demand
that was afforded with such ambition.
Say I to he "We'll escape into nature,
we'll live off the streams and by berries be enticed.
We would away with superficial and material
Imagine! Now don't you think that it'd be nice.?"
In reply he spoke and covered my thoughtless words
"You know jolly well we can't just disappear"
And i did and my unprocessed thoughts of escape: deferred.
We walked into alleyways unexplored 'cept by Fear
So i huffed and I puffed as we ran through the darkness
and stayed very still while the black it enclosed us.
Or perhaps twas my eyes tightly shut to avoid
the menacing mystery of the lurking abroad.
And on "RUN" we both bolted, my legs quickly swimming
to find surface beneath me
My ears deafly ringing.
And the freedom we found from the light that relieved us
was laughter and singing and ear to ear beaming.
We collapsed in a heap of new found fondness
of the hope of the sunlight;
And a new found boldness.
From the darkness, we remembered the smirk both had birthed
from the knowledge that friendship forged strongly had it's perks.
And the rain that began its drumming gradually quicker
prepared for the thunder that soon would be rolled
and we shot each other a quick glance and deeply
breathed in the excitement of another challenge; enthralled.
So we'll rock this stupid world
and we'll drop it's mortal mold.
we'll be Captors of untold dreams
and release joy from split seams.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
and in sudden panic she turned him down. Although not completely. she wasn't stupid. she needed him as a friend or even just an acquaintance rather than cut him off completely. She felt far from intimacy and wanted none. because she wanted to be alone. he had rendered her lonely anyway by taking her far from the people she wanted to be with: friends and family...and he did it in the name of love. so in her confession of love, the real thing, she went with him. through beautiful places, through horrific circumstances. But now she was tired and wanted to be home, where ever that be. She wanted to be with her family, her friends. So she got into contact with those she yearned for, but none could understand her. He stayed faithful throughout, she loved him but didnt understand what he was doing to her, what he wanted with her, why he had brought her to these places. it hurt so much. she saw her friends slip away from truth and she wanted less and less to do with it...truth. Although she once screamed for it like her body could not sustain her unless truth be found and truth be found worthy, and worth be found in living. But now it tortured her inside. The truth hurt. The truth meant her friends fell away and fuck happened. And chaos ruled her mind and she was still with him. although occasionally unfaithful. she knew this was love, she knew it was true, but the hope seemed to diminish. she was not willing to sacrifice the things he wanted her to, because the pain was excruciating. i have no strength left she whimpered. then have mine he breathed. he had the world for her but she hurt and didnt understand why he was so jealous, why he had changed her so that those she loved could no longer understand her thoroughly.
she began closing herself from him. talking to him less and he hurt. she still hurt but wanted, within her helpless stage, to inflict something. So she turned a little from him and weeped. she wanted to leave him but knew he was true, he was faithful. She didnt understand him completely but he knew her inside out. she wanted to die, because there is a place called heaven that he said she could go that is without pain, without tears, without despair. She had all and hated the present because of it. She began confiding in two others, both who were friends, both from different places. Both friends of her love. So she told them she wanted to leave him. They provided no truth but a little comfort, even that was a little stretched. But she needed truth. She confessed she could never deny him. she could never deny him, or his love. It was purer than she understood and she paused on the thought. where would she go? her children were waiting on her, she told them she'd return on sunday. it is friday night.
and she was in despair. despair. it touched her bones and her entire being violently shivered. He was beside her in no time but she moved from his touch. i dont want to be with you right now, i hate this loneliness. he says nothing. just stood with her, in the empty place.
she was independent and had the world before her, she was young and ambitious, she could make a name for herself perhaps even go to the places she wanted to go.
but who would go with her? who could she share her journey with. she knew only one and wanted just to turn from him because she needed a change of scene and he was all too familiar. She took a step away from him, acknowledging him but not affording him her attention. She stepped further and her feet were unknowing of direction and with little strength to continue. She didnt turn around but wanted something, and he knew, somehow, that she was weak and needed the comfort. He swooped her hand into his and held it firmly. she did not fight it. she closed her eyes, in relief and to contain herself. And it was suddenly warmer. And she couldnt remember how but she opened her eyes and was in his embrace and closed them again. She had love, she didnt need to see. She trusted him and the truth he held.
Heck that's soppy but the love story of half an hour ago. I have love, it is more than i should take for granted. heck it hurts. but that's inevitable, that's with or without him. if i hurt with him, i have him to comfort me and give me his strength. My friends who don't understand me, yes that's you, this is a raw story and my life. i think i swore somewhere there, in my hurt and frustration and despair, it could not have been explained by any other word i assume. now? im back on the messy trail that my Love wants me to travel with him. i am not alone and you still don't understand me. im just going to publish this before i re read it and astound myself. (punctuation and grammar and commonsense i was all without in this transcript of my<> life)
she began closing herself from him. talking to him less and he hurt. she still hurt but wanted, within her helpless stage, to inflict something. So she turned a little from him and weeped. she wanted to leave him but knew he was true, he was faithful. She didnt understand him completely but he knew her inside out. she wanted to die, because there is a place called heaven that he said she could go that is without pain, without tears, without despair. She had all and hated the present because of it. She began confiding in two others, both who were friends, both from different places. Both friends of her love. So she told them she wanted to leave him. They provided no truth but a little comfort, even that was a little stretched. But she needed truth. She confessed she could never deny him. she could never deny him, or his love. It was purer than she understood and she paused on the thought. where would she go? her children were waiting on her, she told them she'd return on sunday. it is friday night.
and she was in despair. despair. it touched her bones and her entire being violently shivered. He was beside her in no time but she moved from his touch. i dont want to be with you right now, i hate this loneliness. he says nothing. just stood with her, in the empty place.
she was independent and had the world before her, she was young and ambitious, she could make a name for herself perhaps even go to the places she wanted to go.
but who would go with her? who could she share her journey with. she knew only one and wanted just to turn from him because she needed a change of scene and he was all too familiar. She took a step away from him, acknowledging him but not affording him her attention. She stepped further and her feet were unknowing of direction and with little strength to continue. She didnt turn around but wanted something, and he knew, somehow, that she was weak and needed the comfort. He swooped her hand into his and held it firmly. she did not fight it. she closed her eyes, in relief and to contain herself. And it was suddenly warmer. And she couldnt remember how but she opened her eyes and was in his embrace and closed them again. She had love, she didnt need to see. She trusted him and the truth he held.
Heck that's soppy but the love story of half an hour ago. I have love, it is more than i should take for granted. heck it hurts. but that's inevitable, that's with or without him. if i hurt with him, i have him to comfort me and give me his strength. My friends who don't understand me, yes that's you, this is a raw story and my life. i think i swore somewhere there, in my hurt and frustration and despair, it could not have been explained by any other word i assume. now? im back on the messy trail that my Love wants me to travel with him. i am not alone and you still don't understand me. im just going to publish this before i re read it and astound myself. (punctuation and grammar and commonsense i was all without in this transcript of my
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
She sat slightly forward, oblivious to the train's usual crowd of strangers, engrossed in her picture studded comic: "Young Avengers" (The? Young Avengers or just young avengers?). So i smiled, as you do in tinged jealousy upon viewing another content within their exclusive bubble of simple pleasures. I want my simple pleasures back!
So at work the other day (yesterday) I googled writing competitions, with my ambitious hopes high for winning a significant cash prize. Poems and short stories.....my oh my it's been so long. I browsed through the previous year's winning poems for one of the competitions in america (foreign entries free!) and was in total stupor. Why? Because clearly the winner's were a class and a billion beyond the occasion, and so it seemed, was their writing style and use of words. I understood NONE of it. It made NO sense at all to me, and i wondered what the definition of "poem" was. I don't think it was grammatically correct half the time and humoured not the love-of-rhyme within me. Thus, my giggle and potential of being the first foreign entry to win some stunning $10,000 dollars (or some stupid amount like that...american dollars i might add) for a few verses of words cleverly strung together! No worries there, it all follows suit, it's just an idea that can fill the grooves God fashioned in me.
...
WAHAHAHAHAHA! mercy mercy! God would have had every part to play if by the slightest chance i even got an honourable mention!
**whispers heavenward: I wouldn't complain with an honourable mention...
eh heh heh!
So at work the other day (yesterday) I googled writing competitions, with my ambitious hopes high for winning a significant cash prize. Poems and short stories.....my oh my it's been so long. I browsed through the previous year's winning poems for one of the competitions in america (foreign entries free!) and was in total stupor. Why? Because clearly the winner's were a class and a billion beyond the occasion, and so it seemed, was their writing style and use of words. I understood NONE of it. It made NO sense at all to me, and i wondered what the definition of "poem" was. I don't think it was grammatically correct half the time and humoured not the love-of-rhyme within me. Thus, my giggle and potential of being the first foreign entry to win some stunning $10,000 dollars (or some stupid amount like that...american dollars i might add) for a few verses of words cleverly strung together! No worries there, it all follows suit, it's just an idea that can fill the grooves God fashioned in me.
...
WAHAHAHAHAHA! mercy mercy! God would have had every part to play if by the slightest chance i even got an honourable mention!
**whispers heavenward: I wouldn't complain with an honourable mention...
eh heh heh!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
The doctor said: "Are you alright? That temperature is high and it seems your mind is escaping though the fever in your fingers."
I saw the heavens open today.
This funny guy came in but left having made an impression in the hearts of the children in the room. And my dear friend brought himself to the alter, by the lifting of a hand no higher than his head but high enough for God himself to reach down and touch the heart of a hungry soul. He might have probably been the last person I imagined, and so much brighter was the hope that strengthened me i cant even begin to describe. And it's under control. What? Everything. It's under control. Oh oh, are you sure? Yes. It is under control, trust me.
I do.
Leave no leaf unturned. Let no plant be left unwatered, let no ground be left unseeded. Let no person be without hope.
Let your ravenous hungry drive you for more, for excellence and not leave you weakened.
The sky today is not without clouds, but beautifully positioned for the picture perfect effect. Last night was not meant to be awkward, so it wasn't. you aren't meant to go looking and bringing matters into your own hands.
The reflection in the water tells you nothing about yourself and is easily disturbed.What are you looking for? Why are you looking over there when you know it won't help you. Did you want confirmation about that? It will not help you. I didn't want you to feel that either, but i couldn't protect you, i couldn't even protect myself. You do know we will survive this. Better yet, we'll rock this stupid world. All those movies we watched about the end of the world. Imagine. What makes your world super? What makes your life worth living...and if it weren't so, how would you fair? What if the whole world needed you to keep running, though you felt your calves burning, your thighs on the verge of explosion and you head throbbed of unexplainable chaos. What would keep you running. Would you value your life and justify the pain of surviving and with what reason? Whose opinions matter to you? Whose opinions do you breeze over? Why do you strive towards the goals you strive towards? Who does it benefit? Why do we live like this?
Oh...oh is that why?
Really?
That there is my list of suitable first date questions. Is the person worth staying with and how desperate are you for a companion.
Why?
Wahaha, is he/she an easy scare? Oh, in that case, what are you wasting your time over? Flimsy relationships never helped anyboy, anygirl. Says the date virgin.
Oh oh, but that isn't "nice". What happened to giggles over cutsie wit and stunning dress codes? Nah, me neither.
Am i going mad? No, just wondering what drives people nowadays. Apparently sex. But oke, what can you do? If you can't fight em, join em right? For the select few who don't place "the one" in high regard. I salute you! Wahaha, these days my friends go crazy and i wish they hadn't. Because i dont want to loose you to some fiasco relationship you were too busy trying to build to see it was a unsustainable building project. Don't set yourself back. Forget the opposite sex. Oh, and don't consider swinging the other way either, that's just ridiculous! WAHAHAHA, quote me here upon my attaining of a boyfriend somewhere in the next millenium. But its a far prospect right now. The only boy-girl relationships i see my friends involved in irritate me. Yes, you know who you are. I do think your an idiot. But i love you, so do what you want, i just dont want it to end in tears. All I can hope is for the best: you both end up sharpening each other in the iron-sharpens-iron instance or you both fall upon mutual realisation, you weren't meant for each other.
Oh, i like to pretend i know all. I don't. My own morals don't travel further than the vicinity that my conversations create. Personally, this world of sex-is-love-so-rock-n-roll has drained most innocence from me and tires me frequently (thus my NEED to accept the strength, that flows like oxygen in blood, in the love of my Savior). I try to act otherwise. Stop judging me. Are you laughing or smirking at my overflow of thoughts? I am. I'll probably reread this and be horrified at the freedom of my fingers to type out my musings and narratives of life.
Only because i have nothing to hide, nothing to loose. 'Cept your high opinion of me. WAHAHA, im a dreamer arent i? ahhh, wish i could have this conversation with you in person. we just dont have time anymore. That and i forget to create opportunities. I think i've said quite enough.
Good evening gentle ladies, gentle gents! (who am i kidding, who's gentle nowadays? ;)
This funny guy came in but left having made an impression in the hearts of the children in the room. And my dear friend brought himself to the alter, by the lifting of a hand no higher than his head but high enough for God himself to reach down and touch the heart of a hungry soul. He might have probably been the last person I imagined, and so much brighter was the hope that strengthened me i cant even begin to describe. And it's under control. What? Everything. It's under control. Oh oh, are you sure? Yes. It is under control, trust me.
I do.
Leave no leaf unturned. Let no plant be left unwatered, let no ground be left unseeded. Let no person be without hope.
Let your ravenous hungry drive you for more, for excellence and not leave you weakened.
The sky today is not without clouds, but beautifully positioned for the picture perfect effect. Last night was not meant to be awkward, so it wasn't. you aren't meant to go looking and bringing matters into your own hands.
The reflection in the water tells you nothing about yourself and is easily disturbed.What are you looking for? Why are you looking over there when you know it won't help you. Did you want confirmation about that? It will not help you. I didn't want you to feel that either, but i couldn't protect you, i couldn't even protect myself. You do know we will survive this. Better yet, we'll rock this stupid world. All those movies we watched about the end of the world. Imagine. What makes your world super? What makes your life worth living...and if it weren't so, how would you fair? What if the whole world needed you to keep running, though you felt your calves burning, your thighs on the verge of explosion and you head throbbed of unexplainable chaos. What would keep you running. Would you value your life and justify the pain of surviving and with what reason? Whose opinions matter to you? Whose opinions do you breeze over? Why do you strive towards the goals you strive towards? Who does it benefit? Why do we live like this?
Oh...oh is that why?
Really?
That there is my list of suitable first date questions. Is the person worth staying with and how desperate are you for a companion.
Why?
Wahaha, is he/she an easy scare? Oh, in that case, what are you wasting your time over? Flimsy relationships never helped anyboy, anygirl. Says the date virgin.
Oh oh, but that isn't "nice". What happened to giggles over cutsie wit and stunning dress codes? Nah, me neither.
Am i going mad? No, just wondering what drives people nowadays. Apparently sex. But oke, what can you do? If you can't fight em, join em right? For the select few who don't place "the one" in high regard. I salute you! Wahaha, these days my friends go crazy and i wish they hadn't. Because i dont want to loose you to some fiasco relationship you were too busy trying to build to see it was a unsustainable building project. Don't set yourself back. Forget the opposite sex. Oh, and don't consider swinging the other way either, that's just ridiculous! WAHAHAHA, quote me here upon my attaining of a boyfriend somewhere in the next millenium. But its a far prospect right now. The only boy-girl relationships i see my friends involved in irritate me. Yes, you know who you are. I do think your an idiot. But i love you, so do what you want, i just dont want it to end in tears. All I can hope is for the best: you both end up sharpening each other in the iron-sharpens-iron instance or you both fall upon mutual realisation, you weren't meant for each other.
Oh, i like to pretend i know all. I don't. My own morals don't travel further than the vicinity that my conversations create. Personally, this world of sex-is-love-so-rock-n-roll has drained most innocence from me and tires me frequently (thus my NEED to accept the strength, that flows like oxygen in blood, in the love of my Savior). I try to act otherwise. Stop judging me. Are you laughing or smirking at my overflow of thoughts? I am. I'll probably reread this and be horrified at the freedom of my fingers to type out my musings and narratives of life.
Only because i have nothing to hide, nothing to loose. 'Cept your high opinion of me. WAHAHA, im a dreamer arent i? ahhh, wish i could have this conversation with you in person. we just dont have time anymore. That and i forget to create opportunities. I think i've said quite enough.
Good evening gentle ladies, gentle gents! (who am i kidding, who's gentle nowadays? ;)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
They drank and were merry
It's been about a week and a few days now...i think, that i havn't slept in my own bed. i've been making myself comfortable and knocking out in the spare room. For no particular reason other than the bed's bigger and the doona's warmer. Although in rebuttal, i don't take up much of a bed and a single fits me fine, i also overheated last night with the heater and doona working too well together. So, there really isn't a reason for me to take refuge in another room. I think i just wanted an empty space...my room, my lovely clutter is beginning to overwhelm me (i never thought i'd hear myself saying anything of the sort!). I actually wouldnt mind right now, just living in a rather empty house. Because the disorder in my mind is enough right now that my perspective's beginning to change. Clutter isn't all that fantabulous. That said. I'll begin.
It seems the bottle is quite the icebreaker. I watched it dissolve quickly the walls and resolve of the minority. I watched as a few attempted to forget about troubles, as rumour had it: the bottle brought temporary relief. I watched one tempted, and resisted my own shallow temptations. I watched another withdraw a little thanks to the embarrasment she felt concerning her lower alcohol tolerance.
But the place was jolly, jolly off folly. But jolly none the less. It wasn't one of the greatest parties ive been to. I've been to better parties that were more fueled by alcohol, thought i don't know why they were better, perhaps due to my familiarity with the people. I was quite the stranger here. only knowing about a third of the inhabitants of the medium sized house tonight. I made lots of friends, though i doubt any of them would be meaningful-as terribly sounding as it is. Perhaps two: Vanessa and Cheryl. I don't have a point. I wanted to write a story on alcohol. This is a documentary more than anything, im so tired my imagination is given insufficient energy to accrue anything equivalent to a decent story. but i needed to write something.
i have nothing to hide do i?
goodnight.
It seems the bottle is quite the icebreaker. I watched it dissolve quickly the walls and resolve of the minority. I watched as a few attempted to forget about troubles, as rumour had it: the bottle brought temporary relief. I watched one tempted, and resisted my own shallow temptations. I watched another withdraw a little thanks to the embarrasment she felt concerning her lower alcohol tolerance.
But the place was jolly, jolly off folly. But jolly none the less. It wasn't one of the greatest parties ive been to. I've been to better parties that were more fueled by alcohol, thought i don't know why they were better, perhaps due to my familiarity with the people. I was quite the stranger here. only knowing about a third of the inhabitants of the medium sized house tonight. I made lots of friends, though i doubt any of them would be meaningful-as terribly sounding as it is. Perhaps two: Vanessa and Cheryl. I don't have a point. I wanted to write a story on alcohol. This is a documentary more than anything, im so tired my imagination is given insufficient energy to accrue anything equivalent to a decent story. but i needed to write something.
i have nothing to hide do i?
goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
