and in sudden panic she turned him down. Although not completely. she wasn't stupid. she needed him as a friend or even just an acquaintance rather than cut him off completely. She felt far from intimacy and wanted none. because she wanted to be alone. he had rendered her lonely anyway by taking her far from the people she wanted to be with: friends and family...and he did it in the name of love. so in her confession of love, the real thing, she went with him. through beautiful places, through horrific circumstances. But now she was tired and wanted to be home, where ever that be. She wanted to be with her family, her friends. So she got into contact with those she yearned for, but none could understand her. He stayed faithful throughout, she loved him but didnt understand what he was doing to her, what he wanted with her, why he had brought her to these places. it hurt so much. she saw her friends slip away from truth and she wanted less and less to do with it...truth. Although she once screamed for it like her body could not sustain her unless truth be found and truth be found worthy, and worth be found in living. But now it tortured her inside. The truth hurt. The truth meant her friends fell away and fuck happened. And chaos ruled her mind and she was still with him. although occasionally unfaithful. she knew this was love, she knew it was true, but the hope seemed to diminish. she was not willing to sacrifice the things he wanted her to, because the pain was excruciating. i have no strength left she whimpered. then have mine he breathed. he had the world for her but she hurt and didnt understand why he was so jealous, why he had changed her so that those she loved could no longer understand her thoroughly.

she began closing herself from him. talking to him less and he hurt. she still hurt but wanted, within her helpless stage, to inflict something. So she turned a little from him and weeped. she wanted to leave him but knew he was true, he was faithful. She didnt understand him completely but he knew her inside out. she wanted to die, because there is a place called heaven that he said she could go that is without pain, without tears, without despair. She had all and hated the present because of it. She began confiding in two others, both who were friends, both from different places. Both friends of her love. So she told them she wanted to leave him. They provided no truth but a little comfort, even that was a little stretched. But she needed truth. She confessed she could never deny him. she could never deny him, or his love. It was purer than she understood and she paused on the thought. where would she go? her children were waiting on her, she told them she'd return on sunday. it is friday night.

and she was in despair. despair. it touched her bones and her entire being violently shivered. He was beside her in no time but she moved from his touch. i dont want to be with you right now, i hate this loneliness. he says nothing. just stood with her, in the empty place.

she was independent and had the world before her, she was young and ambitious, she could make a name for herself perhaps even go to the places she wanted to go.
but who would go with her? who could she share her journey with. she knew only one and wanted just to turn from him because she needed a change of scene and he was all too familiar. She took a step away from him, acknowledging him but not affording him her attention. She stepped further and her feet were unknowing of direction and with little strength to continue. She didnt turn around but wanted something, and he knew, somehow, that she was weak and needed the comfort. He swooped her hand into his and held it firmly. she did not fight it. she closed her eyes, in relief and to contain herself. And it was suddenly warmer. And she couldnt remember how but she opened her eyes and was in his embrace and closed them again. She had love, she didnt need to see. She trusted him and the truth he held.

Heck that's soppy but the love story of half an hour ago. I have love, it is more than i should take for granted. heck it hurts. but that's inevitable, that's with or without him. if i hurt with him, i have him to comfort me and give me his strength. My friends who don't understand me, yes that's you, this is a raw story and my life. i think i swore somewhere there, in my hurt and frustration and despair, it could not have been explained by any other word i assume. now? im back on the messy trail that my Love wants me to travel with him. i am not alone and you still don't understand me. im just going to publish this before i re read it and astound myself. (punctuation and grammar and commonsense i was all without in this transcript of my <> life)