I suppose you've just challenged me out of my predicament.
I feel a little more reformed to hold together sufficiently enough to move forward and shatter your misconception, however closely related to my actual situation it may be. Wahaha! For all I know, you've triggered my defense mechanisms which shout out against my current form. You've made me want to be brave because you uttered the accusation I loathe to be associated with or as. Thank you, M.
I've won this battle, there is no need for a rematch. Depression is gone from me.
That which took me three or so years to overcome seven or so years ago. Enough time stolen, I am no longer helpless, no longer hopeless. Geez, took me long enough to wake up!
God, strengthen my resolve; my focus is weak.
Your power, made perfect in my weakness. Beautiful.
Your grace, sufficient. Devine.
Your love: pure, just, holy, infinite, exactly what I need, exactly all I have.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
"Everyone prays- kind of. It's our most human action. At the deep centre of our lives, we are connected somehow or other with God. That deep center often gets buries under the everyday debris of routine and distraction and chatter, while we shuffle about out of touch and unaware of our true selves. Then a sudden jolt opens a crevasse, exposing for a moment our bedrock self: spontaneously we pray. We're made by and for the voice of God- listening to and answering that voice is our most characteristic act. We are most ourselves when we pray.
The jolt comes variously- a stab of pain, a rush of beauty, an encore of joy; we exclaim, "God!" The cry can be complaint or curse or praise, no matter, it's prayer. When that deep, deep centre of our lives is exposed- our core humanity, which biblical writers so vigoriously designate as "heart"- we unthinkingly revert to our first language: we pray.
For some that's the end of it, brief and random exclamations scattered haphazardly across a lifetime. But others of us, not content to be our true selves incidently, hunt for ways to cultivate fluency. More often than not, the hunt turns up its quarry in the psalms."
Eugene H. Peterson (1979), Praying with the psalms, New York: HarperCollins, (p:introduction).
The jolt comes variously- a stab of pain, a rush of beauty, an encore of joy; we exclaim, "God!" The cry can be complaint or curse or praise, no matter, it's prayer. When that deep, deep centre of our lives is exposed- our core humanity, which biblical writers so vigoriously designate as "heart"- we unthinkingly revert to our first language: we pray.
For some that's the end of it, brief and random exclamations scattered haphazardly across a lifetime. But others of us, not content to be our true selves incidently, hunt for ways to cultivate fluency. More often than not, the hunt turns up its quarry in the psalms."
Eugene H. Peterson (1979), Praying with the psalms, New York: HarperCollins, (p:introduction).
for the sake of self-preservation
Letted go.
I guess, I hoped we'd at least be friends.
Alas the benefit of this doubt I hardly gave mention to, is simply whisps of empty breath.
This position of "knew him once, he never looked back" is a little dissapointing, your so much more shallow than I remembered. Seems like the tide rose and you were satisfied just washing away. I don't know where you are now, and if I cared to, I do suppose it'd just hurt.
So farewell, perhaps never again. Thank you for helping me let go, you've given me ample notice to never expect of you again. I know love is unconditional...but...you know what you do. You can't say no but you can't follow through. I might see you again, mixed feeling about which I'd rather. I'll forget you soon. i hope you find God again.
love (i think this is the last I might, for you),
me.
I guess, I hoped we'd at least be friends.
Alas the benefit of this doubt I hardly gave mention to, is simply whisps of empty breath.
This position of "knew him once, he never looked back" is a little dissapointing, your so much more shallow than I remembered. Seems like the tide rose and you were satisfied just washing away. I don't know where you are now, and if I cared to, I do suppose it'd just hurt.
So farewell, perhaps never again. Thank you for helping me let go, you've given me ample notice to never expect of you again. I know love is unconditional...but...you know what you do. You can't say no but you can't follow through. I might see you again, mixed feeling about which I'd rather. I'll forget you soon. i hope you find God again.
love (i think this is the last I might, for you),
me.
Monday, September 29, 2008
There MUST be more than this provincial life!
"look, there she goes
the girl is strange, no question
dazed and distracted, can't you tell?
never part of any crowd
cause her head's up on some cloud
no denying she's a funny girl, that Belle"
the girl is strange, no question
dazed and distracted, can't you tell?
never part of any crowd
cause her head's up on some cloud
no denying she's a funny girl, that Belle"
Thursday, September 25, 2008
recollections of friday, monday, wednesday and today's thursday.
the down side: the beach makes everything else comparatively worse still!
i wish i was a beach, i'd be the most beautiful thing in the world, next to my friends.
This weight of sleep deprivation and 16hour days is taking its toll on me. I do believe I can say that I'm living life as fully as I know how...but I don't suppose I know how to very well. My hair is wet and my eyes, heavy.
Good
night.
I'll show you pictures later, of my visits to a place I can loose myself temporarily to carefree and careless ways...I love how the beach can do that to you. I love how you don't need company to do so.
God,
you made it
so beautiful.
Good
night.
I'll show you pictures later, of my visits to a place I can loose myself temporarily to carefree and careless ways...I love how the beach can do that to you. I love how you don't need company to do so.
God,
you made it
so beautiful.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
rooted
i tried, for the second time this year to say goodbye.
the words, the action...failed me.
i suppose i am rooted a little deeper than i thought.
and my roots, entwined a little more in this network that is my friends, than i imagined.
I cannot leave. I could, but loose everything that I am in the process. My entire belief system weighs upon this love. I cannot turn away from it without loosing purpose, drive and hope. I won't say I wasn't a second away from jumping, but upon my attempt, I was help back by the love of my fellows and their prayers for me during my arm wrestle with irrationality. Plus, you managed to whisper There is still more that I have for you to do. I'm not done with you yet.
Little me, beside herself with tantrums.
Forgive, thanks.
Love, always.
the words, the action...failed me.
i suppose i am rooted a little deeper than i thought.
and my roots, entwined a little more in this network that is my friends, than i imagined.
I cannot leave. I could, but loose everything that I am in the process. My entire belief system weighs upon this love. I cannot turn away from it without loosing purpose, drive and hope. I won't say I wasn't a second away from jumping, but upon my attempt, I was help back by the love of my fellows and their prayers for me during my arm wrestle with irrationality. Plus, you managed to whisper There is still more that I have for you to do. I'm not done with you yet.
Little me, beside herself with tantrums.
Forgive, thanks.
Love, always.
burnt
Give me sunshine and sun showers, complete rainbows and balmy nights. Let me never be far from the sand of the beach, and don't wake me unless it's to dance in the sunset or sunrise. We'll be in love, see the others occasionally, shrug at politics and live for ourselves. We'll never again know pain or exhaustion or loss. We will burn calenders and break watches, live lives of spontaneity and indulge in simple pleasures.
Oh you who condemn this mindset, desire the same. But, fight the will of it's complacency, it's deceit, and hope your passions aren't swallowed by apathy. As much as I wish, I could never be in control of life. And although my daydreams consist of secluded beaches untouched by corruption& inhabited only by the people I love more... it could never be so. Something will always go wrong. Something will break, most likely a heart. Something will fall, most likely my loves. Something will be lost, most likely my mind. So continues this trend of corruption that appears in everything we humans touch.
Tell me this insanity will end soon! The rocks will be thrown into the well and the water will rise. I hope it meets my lips soon or this dehydration will kill me.
Can't you...just...make it all better?
I walk the tight rope of indecision. I either: keep believing I can walk this- though it pains me so, or take a breather and enjoy the exhilaration of free falling -worry later about landing.
...and all those times i wondered how my friends had left this, i now face the same confrontation. Do i stay or go? If I were to go for a little while, would it be as feasible to assume I could just as easily return? Their expectations ride on me too much, they shouldn't rely on me like this. I know what I have here is real, is honest, is true...i just
Oh you who condemn this mindset, desire the same. But, fight the will of it's complacency, it's deceit, and hope your passions aren't swallowed by apathy. As much as I wish, I could never be in control of life. And although my daydreams consist of secluded beaches untouched by corruption& inhabited only by the people I love more... it could never be so. Something will always go wrong. Something will break, most likely a heart. Something will fall, most likely my loves. Something will be lost, most likely my mind. So continues this trend of corruption that appears in everything we humans touch.
Tell me this insanity will end soon! The rocks will be thrown into the well and the water will rise. I hope it meets my lips soon or this dehydration will kill me.
Can't you...just...make it all better?
I walk the tight rope of indecision. I either: keep believing I can walk this- though it pains me so, or take a breather and enjoy the exhilaration of free falling -worry later about landing.
...and all those times i wondered how my friends had left this, i now face the same confrontation. Do i stay or go? If I were to go for a little while, would it be as feasible to assume I could just as easily return? Their expectations ride on me too much, they shouldn't rely on me like this. I know what I have here is real, is honest, is true...i just
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I like writing. Somehow, I can put my life on hold as I try with care, to place words side by side to construct something beautiful. I read your words again today. I've read them before, but since you havn't written since December 2007, I thought I'd remember the previous you. I know you love writing because you do it so well, but your posts are few and far between. You read plenty of literature; the classics you buy from second hand book shops- so I assume you attain your talent from there. I've bought a fair few classics too, but havn't read any of them. I haven't the time. Although, when I do, I spend it unknowingly. I realised, reading yours, my vocabulary is very limited and repetitive. I only know simple, but simple is faithful to me.
Now, I sit in my empty house facing the window in the navy blue collapsable chair. Dad's orchids are beginning to bloom now, there are too many yellow ones. In a month's time, we'll have a sea of yellow orchids, with the occasional spot of pink, lilak, off white and orange. My phone is not going to work for the next hour or so, because it cannot multitask but insists it will learn the 100+ songs I want it to play for me the next time I crave music.
I have the AA Ball tonight. I'm wearing the dress I wore to my Year 12 Formal, with a tee underneath. I figure I go to dance. There will be an ocean of asians, the occasional white face, plenty of red (the drinking kind) and therefore nobody to impress or try to. Anyway, this premadonna event is no occasion for me to cheapen dress code standards.
This morning kicked off beautfully slowly, it feels like holidays, and it will be for the next two weeks. Although I must not forget the two assignments due tomorrow which still require a start.
That's me, plain as day.
I'll see you when I see you!
ps: the Jimmy Neutron dvd I bought has the episodes messed up! I'm a little crestfallen! Halfway through the second epidsode, it'll skip into the third and then return after finishing it to continue the second! I was confused, til I realised I bought the dud! Although, on the upside, I loved the episodes. I'll write to Nickelodeon, see if they'll spare me another dvd for my trouble! Eh heh!
Now, I sit in my empty house facing the window in the navy blue collapsable chair. Dad's orchids are beginning to bloom now, there are too many yellow ones. In a month's time, we'll have a sea of yellow orchids, with the occasional spot of pink, lilak, off white and orange. My phone is not going to work for the next hour or so, because it cannot multitask but insists it will learn the 100+ songs I want it to play for me the next time I crave music.
I have the AA Ball tonight. I'm wearing the dress I wore to my Year 12 Formal, with a tee underneath. I figure I go to dance. There will be an ocean of asians, the occasional white face, plenty of red (the drinking kind) and therefore nobody to impress or try to. Anyway, this premadonna event is no occasion for me to cheapen dress code standards.
This morning kicked off beautfully slowly, it feels like holidays, and it will be for the next two weeks. Although I must not forget the two assignments due tomorrow which still require a start.
That's me, plain as day.
I'll see you when I see you!
ps: the Jimmy Neutron dvd I bought has the episodes messed up! I'm a little crestfallen! Halfway through the second epidsode, it'll skip into the third and then return after finishing it to continue the second! I was confused, til I realised I bought the dud! Although, on the upside, I loved the episodes. I'll write to Nickelodeon, see if they'll spare me another dvd for my trouble! Eh heh!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
She taps him on the shoulder and as he turns she kicks the inside of his knee lighty, causing him to collapse clumsily in the momentum of his spin. A little shocked by the harsh affection, he recovers and dusts himself off in the duration of her laugh. She waits for him to meet her gaze then throws a paper aeroplane at him adjoined with command: "catch". But the wind carries her words-on-paper higher than his reflex hand movements and off over the bridge between their worlds.
"Oh well," she shrugs "you might have wanted to know...but maybe later"
He watched the word-riddled paper aeroplane fall, down. There.
-compliments of my 50% essay which is 5, going on 6 days late. I begin writing my essay and then somehow obtain inspiration for short stories....very short stories. This was the third time.
"Oh well," she shrugs "you might have wanted to know...but maybe later"
He watched the word-riddled paper aeroplane fall, down. There.
-compliments of my 50% essay which is 5, going on 6 days late. I begin writing my essay and then somehow obtain inspiration for short stories....very short stories. This was the third time.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
It turns out pakenham isn't as far as I expected, but more of "the Sticks" than expected.
On the return drive, I kid you not, somewhere between 94 and 223 bugs hit my windscreen. It took me the first 16 or so to figure out what they were. Something would hit my windscreen, sounding like a rock and in the same nature as one, but lighter thus the lesser impact. It happened all too quickly, and I couldn't see most of it, save the fat, big black ones that flew aggresively towards me, giving me a maximum 1.8second heads up. Strangely enough, this pop would resound every 4-6 seconds for about the 15 minutes it took to drive closer to Melbourne. Another giveaway was that rocks don't usually leave scuff marks...the invisible bugs that died on impact with the navy blue camry did.
Summer's a breath away, the thought leaves me breathless...thus the breath away is a little less achievable in my literal sense.
Warm nights and longer days and swarms of insects soon to come my way!
On the return drive, I kid you not, somewhere between 94 and 223 bugs hit my windscreen. It took me the first 16 or so to figure out what they were. Something would hit my windscreen, sounding like a rock and in the same nature as one, but lighter thus the lesser impact. It happened all too quickly, and I couldn't see most of it, save the fat, big black ones that flew aggresively towards me, giving me a maximum 1.8second heads up. Strangely enough, this pop would resound every 4-6 seconds for about the 15 minutes it took to drive closer to Melbourne. Another giveaway was that rocks don't usually leave scuff marks...the invisible bugs that died on impact with the navy blue camry did.
Summer's a breath away, the thought leaves me breathless...thus the breath away is a little less achievable in my literal sense.
Warm nights and longer days and swarms of insects soon to come my way!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
blehblehblehworthlesswordsneedingescape
IM SO OVER UNIVERSITY.
i have no drive for uni. I've driven over the edge and i really don't want to go back. I'll enjoy my 3 month break and maybe defer the rest of next year. It pains me! i have an assignment that was due on wednesday, and i dont think i'll hand it in tomorrow because i dont feel like doing it and i couldnt care less. i started...and just never finished it. How immature.
I have a group assignment. And the only thing driving me to do it is the fact that the marks of my friends ride on my back. I really dont want to do this. I really don't. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH UNI! i feel like university is to blame for my lack of action down the roads I wish to travel. Yes, tell me how wrong I am!
But...I'd hate to be the girl who was recalled as "she who left the most effective path because she tried to chase the breeze." I have dreams. I do; they've just been in the waiting line for years now and they're tired. I don't know if in two or so years they'd still be as vivid as they began. I want to live those dreams but I want to do what's right. They should be related, they are. Geez, I hate time, I hate these monotonous lectures and overdue assignments of no value to me other than the money i pay (or will pay) to sit through them. And you wonder why I'm still complaining, I don't like being challenged in this area. I don't like university, I can't believe I've been so faithful to it up til now. I never enjoyed studying. oke, STOP!
I was initially overjoyed to find I was given a second round offer into this course. Because I was "unworthy". My enter was just under, apparently so were the numbers for the first round. What changed? How did i become so unwilling? How did i get to this place of ungratefulness and compromise?
I confuse and disgust myself at the same time. She's so darn selfish!
Just grow up!
i have no drive for uni. I've driven over the edge and i really don't want to go back. I'll enjoy my 3 month break and maybe defer the rest of next year. It pains me! i have an assignment that was due on wednesday, and i dont think i'll hand it in tomorrow because i dont feel like doing it and i couldnt care less. i started...and just never finished it. How immature.
I have a group assignment. And the only thing driving me to do it is the fact that the marks of my friends ride on my back. I really dont want to do this. I really don't. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH UNI! i feel like university is to blame for my lack of action down the roads I wish to travel. Yes, tell me how wrong I am!
But...I'd hate to be the girl who was recalled as "she who left the most effective path because she tried to chase the breeze." I have dreams. I do; they've just been in the waiting line for years now and they're tired. I don't know if in two or so years they'd still be as vivid as they began. I want to live those dreams but I want to do what's right. They should be related, they are. Geez, I hate time, I hate these monotonous lectures and overdue assignments of no value to me other than the money i pay (or will pay) to sit through them. And you wonder why I'm still complaining, I don't like being challenged in this area. I don't like university, I can't believe I've been so faithful to it up til now. I never enjoyed studying. oke, STOP!
I was initially overjoyed to find I was given a second round offer into this course. Because I was "unworthy". My enter was just under, apparently so were the numbers for the first round. What changed? How did i become so unwilling? How did i get to this place of ungratefulness and compromise?
I confuse and disgust myself at the same time. She's so darn selfish!
Just grow up!
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Ah hah! you said the L word!
the 2nd of september! now a day to remember!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
seriously! you have no idea how much laughter (and smiles) you brought me, wrapped in your quick (slightly sheepish) departure: "ok-love-ya-bye". eh heh! SO WE ARE FRIENDS! your funny! and i do really enjoy your company! im not in love with you or anything but my day seriously turned around when you said it! COS I KEPT LAUGHING! wahahahaha! thanks man! what are friends for? but for getting close enough to point and laugh at each others weaknesses? wahahaha!
love ya!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
seriously! you have no idea how much laughter (and smiles) you brought me, wrapped in your quick (slightly sheepish) departure: "ok-love-ya-bye". eh heh! SO WE ARE FRIENDS! your funny! and i do really enjoy your company! im not in love with you or anything but my day seriously turned around when you said it! COS I KEPT LAUGHING! wahahahaha! thanks man! what are friends for? but for getting close enough to point and laugh at each others weaknesses? wahahaha!
love ya!
Monday, September 01, 2008
to She who bakes brilliantly
dear thhhunder,
you make me want to smile and cry because you smile when you want to cry. Your broken heart confuses me; &i wish you would see yourself with more worth than you do. Remember there is no condemnation for those in Christ. There is no guilt, no shame in Him, so stay there. He loves you, we love you. Yesternight, I had this immense feeling you were so much bigger than you understood or I could imagine. When you cried out in your heartbreak and willingness, you made me cry for joy although i could still feel some sort of pain. And i love you! and I admire you! Although...you sometimes frustrate me, but who doesn't? wahaha!
Heres to you and the new journey your on. I know it's all up from here, like the sense that you have a new mountain to climb! So here's to growth! Here's to healing! Here's to you, beautiful!
Let go a little more of everything, hold on a little tighter to Him. I feel inspired thinking of you now. God's got me excited in warm thoughts of you! You are more than a conquerer, only because there are mountains to conquer and your doing it now!
i think you can, i think you can, i think you can, i think you can!
you make me want to smile and cry because you smile when you want to cry. Your broken heart confuses me; &i wish you would see yourself with more worth than you do. Remember there is no condemnation for those in Christ. There is no guilt, no shame in Him, so stay there. He loves you, we love you. Yesternight, I had this immense feeling you were so much bigger than you understood or I could imagine. When you cried out in your heartbreak and willingness, you made me cry for joy although i could still feel some sort of pain. And i love you! and I admire you! Although...you sometimes frustrate me, but who doesn't? wahaha!
Heres to you and the new journey your on. I know it's all up from here, like the sense that you have a new mountain to climb! So here's to growth! Here's to healing! Here's to you, beautiful!
Let go a little more of everything, hold on a little tighter to Him. I feel inspired thinking of you now. God's got me excited in warm thoughts of you! You are more than a conquerer, only because there are mountains to conquer and your doing it now!
i think you can, i think you can, i think you can, i think you can!
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