get me out of this place!
the trees have been friendlier than the people who planted them. Or maybe the people who planted them were friendly and their children's children weren't. Because the trees are more welcoming and more accepting of me. The trees sighed as i walk by and their leaves fluttered in flustered commotion today as if i were worthy of falling in love with. My problem? I probably accept trees and admire them faster and surer than i would people! because trees grow beautifully, whereas people in most cases...don't. The trees tirelessly inhale our troubles and pollution with less complaint than those whose coffees were too hot...and still turn out beautiful!

I found a winter tree in my neighbourhood. He was more elderly than his company and looked more at home in the breeze and chill of this morning than I did.

God, what have we become?

The sun is still around! I have to catch her before she disappears for the night!

im swimming in a white 100% cotton (made in Pakistan) one-size-fits-all robe.

we are weak but he is strong,yes,jesuslovesme(x3), the bible tells me so..

There is nothing I can say now. So heres just something I've prepared earlier! wahahaha! For the sake of your hunger to learn of me! Heres a couple of lines from previously written dear diary's...

"There is something about draining your sorrows that leaves you empty but open to love, ready to be brave and maybe even strength to stay empty for a while. Actually the strength fills the emptiness." 17-01-07 (I think I inspired myself a year ago)

"The absence of light and a little miscalculation together attributed to the black and blue on my left knee. Weaving in and out of cars in the carpark is not a safe idea…apparently stealth is not mine to assume." 24-02-08 (I have a bruise from last night)

And that is all.

oke, now for the lighter side of things,
the brighter side of flings

this phase of life, I call, the second half of 18.

Heck, y'know I've got it good...period. Because I've love that cannot be denied as long as I'm living. I've family, friends and love better than all else in this world! wahaha, yes, my family's better than yours! I bet my being on it! Yes, my friends are the best in the world! I can prove it!

and alas! fongnet has broken down for a little while, so the fong household is without outside contact and is hurting terribly because of it. Here i am at wheelers library...i;ve 17minutes remainging, which when consumed by time, will allow me to submit to the calling from my direct right where a new stand of "books for sale" sits. and i will spend a little that is not mine because i have no self control over cheap books and taking advantage of them. evn if i dont read them...i will, sometime in the future.

It seems that friendships get stronger the greater the contact and surer through accumulated hardships. Naturally (duh). I've so light a weight, so much to think about and a numbness that doesnt make me feel guilty. , this one, however, strikes me more as peace...thats a thought! The brightness of today has warmed my heart and i need to spend it with He who makes me continually (poet me!).

Love you PLENTY!

you: oi wat u doin
you: how u been
you: long time no see
me: hey...who is this?
you: is dis nicole
me: yea
me: sorry, bad memory, remind me again?

and then you were offline.

and then that sinking feeling that you needed someone to know who you were sunk in. and im sorry.

i knew who you were.

i dont remember the last time you ever talked to me. i see you sometimes, lets say, every now and then somewhere between 6months to 2 years. and everytime i talk to you, as seldom and far between as conversations are between you and me, i want to tell you to stop looking....because everything you do doesnt get you closer to the things you want. im sorry, im so sorry. i probably won't see or hear from you again until we bump into each other (God, i hope we do). and i get that aching feeling, you wanted to talk to me because I know someone you want to meet. that someone inside of me. so i blew it. please be ok.

God, please let him be ok.

30 freaking minutes

so i drove you home and i made you read it and we talked until the awkward and the unknown was illuminated and you...are still my friend. and it feels right now, i don't hate you, nearly feel like i let you off easy because we're reconciled, that's all it took...30 freaking minutes.

So now? now we begin again. another day. and my head refreshed. a friend back, freedom from my bitterness. What more could I ask for in 30 minutes?

Reconciliation is forgiving, forgiving is one sided. Forgiveness is for yourself, it frees yourself from the prison of unforgiveness, it makes you stronger and, well forgiveness is true closure from everything that didnt end well; furthermore forgiveness is the connecting rail for two broken tracks. Let me know if you beg to differ.

and God, God, God, let every 30 minutes be as productive and as honestly beautiful as that lot. Wait up, that's up to me.

so i got out of the house because confinement of the mind was too much confinement already. I walked for about an hour...through a path I had never walked before. And I found myself at citylife, where I ducked in for the worship practise, in which i lay down on one of the cushioned pews as if i owned it and wondered why and how this stage of life was the way it was, and i found myself instead warming to the love of hope, the love of majesty. My love.

And he told me this, such an absurd revelation I had never thought of! it reassured me that just because I find myself "hating" more doesn't mean I'm headed t'ward a road of bitterness and anguish yada yada. In fact, the realisation of hate, in its ugly and sadly common forms, simply makes love greater (& bolder). The extremity of hating this and that about such and such magnifies love and its uncanny ability to cover just about anything and everybody willingly!

What this means? It means I can sleep easy tonight! Because the shard of cold troubles me no more!

i was a clown today. and for a moment, for a short while, I surrounded myself with innocence (in the form of children) and forgot all my troubles. I focused every little ouch of my strength into concerning myself with the details you wanted as i painted your face. and i forgot everything else. All that was required of me was to touch your face, hold it still, dip my rough brush into the paints i chose with your help and to apply it accordingly. The forgetting was a cheap escape, but escape none the less, yet it lasted as loong as a couple of hours. Trapped again.

I hate what you've done in me, you've (or i've) grown a bitterness that longs to hate you, and i'd go as far as saying that I hope you fall, so that you'd come back down to earth and be humbled, because I hate how everyone just accepts you, everyone says "oh, its ok". it freakin hell isnt! your a hypocrite and you annoy me, and i see you too often, so i deleted your contact off my msn so that i wouldnt get worked up everytime I remember you. I hate how you play everyone, I hate how your weave your words so that your convincing is down to a "t". I hate your persuasion, you get me nearly every time.

I need to organise costumes for tomorrow and finish making ally's birthday present, but i feel so full of hate right now that I can't commit to creating things designed for fun, because the letters j, o and y dont seem to fit anywhere.

damnit...what have i become?

i'd like to say I can't trust you...but i would anyway, because you've proved to me you can be trusted...kind of. Am i jealous? I hope not. I doubt it. but i dont know how i got so stirred up. because damnit. damnit.

God, i need you. i think my heart's going cold, like a splinter of ice has been jabbed in and its contagious cold has not melted as it should. I hate this.

I've never been so familiar with hate ever in my life. Should i be concerned?

i think you ate my piece of mind...

Forget the selfish lament that was the previous post.

we will rebuild the wall, and God's hand is still on you and I pray it goes well with you. You've had impact in our lives. Your heart and effort is touching.

I thought it'd be a good idea to open my bible I had again neglected. It was bumpy, and i open it up to where it falls open because somebody left a pen on the page and closed my bible. Turns out to be Nehemiah. And on the study page reads the heading: Persistence Prays; read Nehemiah 4:1-23. So i started reading from there....but I couldn't stop until they had completed rebuilding the walls of Jeruselum. And a few verses hit me because God insisted on poking my eyes out: challenging and encouraging me.

Nehemiah4:2
And he [Sanballat] spoke before his brethren and the army of Samaria, and said, “What are these feeble Jews doing? Will they fortify themselves? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they complete it in a day? Will they revive the stones from the heaps of rubbish—stones that are burned?” (kj)
"What are those feeble Jews doing? Will they restore their wall? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they finish in a day? Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?" (niv)

Nehemiah4:6
So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart (niv)
So we built the wall, and the entire wall was joined together up to half its height, for the people had a mind to work. (kj&nkj)

Nehemiah4:14
And I looked, and arose and said to the nobles, to the leaders, and to the rest of the people, “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.” (nkj)

Nehemiah4:17&18
Those who built on the wall, and those who carried burdens, loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction, and with the other held a weapon. 18 Every one of the builders had his sword girded at his side as he built. And the one who sounded the trumpet was beside me. (nkj)

Nehemiah4:19
Then I said to the nobles, the rulers, and the rest of the people, “The work is great and extensive, and we are separated far from one another on the wall. 20 Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, rally to us there. Our God will fight for us.” (nkj)

Nehemiah5:6
And I became very angry when I heard their outcry and these words. 7 After serious thought, I rebuked the nobles and rulers, and said to them, “Each of you is exacting usury from his brother.” So I called a great assembly against them. (nkj)

Nehemiah5: ...8&9
Then they were silenced and found nothing to say. 9 Then I said, “What you are doing is not good. Should you not walk in the fear of our God because of the reproach of the nations, our enemies? (nkj)

Nehemiah6:9
They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, "Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed." But I prayed, "Now strengthen my hands." (niv)
For they all were trying to make us afraid, saying, “Their hands will be weakened in the work, and it will not be done.” Now therefore, O God, strengthen my hands. (nkj)

Nehemiah6:15
So the wall was finished on the twenty-fifth day of Elul, in fifty-two days.

Nehemiah6:16
And it happened, when all our enemies heard of it, and all the nations around us saw these things, that they were very disheartened in their own eyes; for they perceived that this work was done by our God. (nkj)
When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God. (niv)

Nehemiah 7:2
That I gave my brother Hanani, and Hananiah the ruler of the palace, charge over Jerusalem: for he was a faithful man, and feared God above many. (kj)
that I gave the charge of Jerusalem to my brother Hanani, and Hananiah the leader of the citadel, for he was a faithful man and feared God more than many.(nkj)
I put in charge of Jerusalem my brother Hanani, along with Hananiah the commander of the citadel, because he was a man of integrity and feared God more than most men do.(niv)

It flows better when you read the whole thing (naturally).
Now? Now there is hope. We will finish rebuilding the wall.
Forgive me for my doubts, Love....

...Lord

have your way.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Eccesiastes3:11
what time is it?

this gunk in my throat doesnt make my day any more enjoyable. all this "ahem"ing makes the situation just a little more hopeless. I am sad. There, you finally get to hear me say it/type it/whatever.
You told me a month ago (give or take). but until now it was just a bad thought, i didnt think it'd come this soon. And tonight, it will only become a bigger reality. I wonder how they'll take it.

I don't see how it can work, I don't understand how you came to the resolve that you did. Because...just because! I'm not saying your not strong enough, but God could carry you through! And you've battled this far, if you go...they'll win; and the dust will settle and they'll go back to being complacently comfortable!
please don't give up. no no no no. It's not meant to be this way! And i don't know the whole story but I do know...He makes everything beautiful in his time.