i was a clown today. and for a moment, for a short while, I surrounded myself with innocence (in the form of children) and forgot all my troubles. I focused every little ouch of my strength into concerning myself with the details you wanted as i painted your face. and i forgot everything else. All that was required of me was to touch your face, hold it still, dip my rough brush into the paints i chose with your help and to apply it accordingly. The forgetting was a cheap escape, but escape none the less, yet it lasted as loong as a couple of hours. Trapped again.

I hate what you've done in me, you've (or i've) grown a bitterness that longs to hate you, and i'd go as far as saying that I hope you fall, so that you'd come back down to earth and be humbled, because I hate how everyone just accepts you, everyone says "oh, its ok". it freakin hell isnt! your a hypocrite and you annoy me, and i see you too often, so i deleted your contact off my msn so that i wouldnt get worked up everytime I remember you. I hate how you play everyone, I hate how your weave your words so that your convincing is down to a "t". I hate your persuasion, you get me nearly every time.

I need to organise costumes for tomorrow and finish making ally's birthday present, but i feel so full of hate right now that I can't commit to creating things designed for fun, because the letters j, o and y dont seem to fit anywhere.

damnit...what have i become?

i'd like to say I can't trust you...but i would anyway, because you've proved to me you can be trusted...kind of. Am i jealous? I hope not. I doubt it. but i dont know how i got so stirred up. because damnit. damnit.

God, i need you. i think my heart's going cold, like a splinter of ice has been jabbed in and its contagious cold has not melted as it should. I hate this.

I've never been so familiar with hate ever in my life. Should i be concerned?