now im confused about 2 and hoping about another. not confused...mmm, dunno the word for it.
Anyhooo, my latest language phase is malay. Why? because my great granma can speak it, and understand, tho dad said that evn if she could, she might have lost all her hearing. i dont believe that, or im desperately hoping otherwise! She's 100+, thats amazing!

Tuhan kurniakan komu!
Conference is rockin, probably the most humble, concentrated and challenging little thing i've ever come across! wahaha, lovit!

and you came and you changed it, i didn't even turn to you and you met me there.
you washed me in my own tears though i fought it, the fears have begun to evaporate.

you are peace and calm and love. thank you. thank you.

thank you.
it is well, it is well with my soul.

Thank you.

Beauty.

God forbid it, God forbid it, God forbid i be a freakn bad teacher!
I got assessed today, finally, and although i recall saying to my friends i'd be happy to pass, I did pass and im not happy. im nearly really annoyed at myself. Last placements, i passed because my paperwork dragged me down, this time my supervisor didn't even look at my paperwork and freakin' passed me. I GOT A PASS FOR EVERYTHING. how can that be? every stoopid little box was ticked for pass. I thought i did well..i thought wrong. not that i didn't feel paranoid they wouldn't bitch about me. seeing they did about nearly everybody. Puck! really. am i so unstable? at least now i remember my passion, wahahaha, to be a good teacher. GOD FORBID I BE A BAD TEACHER! damnit damnit damnit. Got my ball tonight. cant believe i got pee-ed off on the day of my ball.
I'll be back in reconciliation im sure....but right now im feeling raw disapointment.

She said "Pave the street with gold/silver"
she inspiressss me! you don't understand! i think i love this woman's way. her expressions can change my moods! And yes, yes, she might never know her influence on my life. Ally fong! Your as much my hero as long as your livin'
Jo, jo jo jo jo! love ya! looveee yaa! dont make me cryy
Be.

She wants to defy you, she wants to ruin your opinions of the general, trod through your daydreams, but she wants you to see her. She'll come and be bitter, she won't smile, yet the paint stains on her arms smile at you. She'll smile if she knows you, wait, if she likes you, no...when she wants to. The pressure in her head won't allow her peace, no...the pressure in her heart won't allow her peace, because that bitter hole never healed like they said it would. The only hope she sees are children, the small and unspoilt. Give her an outspoken child and she would fiercely protect. She lavishes love on those who have lack of, unknown to her the source of the love when she needs to give...is forever. Just as she protects the small, the small protect her in larger ways than evident, they help her forgive, they show her love outside containers and they block her bitter thoughts to herself. And she never learnt love from examples, she has no memory of demonstrated love til late, yet she didn't need such, she makes herself new memories just as you and i make for ourselves new memories, and she's so beautiful.
I heard him say "What makes you different, makes you beautiful".

Agreed.

2stars 1love

i will always care for you, even if caring does and will continue to hurt!!Aileeny,Joss: always in my heart
Love you! oh oh oh...love you so! 1, 2...rock my socks! (ehehehe).
You shine brighter now, i love that. you make me wanna do the same.

5:54pm sunny, sun-setting satday evening.

beautiful. relaxing. (Nora Jones: feels like home)

ignorant of uni and church meetings right now...i have mb 1/2hr left of this...

you know, ive come to love holding babies for the comfort they bring, for the comfort i get to give. When they hold you, wrap their tiny arms around your own; when they grip your clothes; when they lay their head on your shoulder or better yet on your chest, and there's warmth, there's trust, there's comfort and something close to love if not love.
boys...who needs them? wahahaha, i do, to many of them!
somewhere in the bible it says "better is open rebuke that hidden love." oh so true! There's never enough love, never enough lovin'!! Never too much love. So rebuke me in the open, rebuke me in private, but don't hide your love, don't let me forget that you love me...and i'll do what i can not let you forget that i love you!

i could live off your laughs, or maybe i couldn't but your laughs give so much volume to my life you might not have any idea. wahahaha! yayyy! i love david webb ;)
but i love you more! so close so many friends so much...
and you don't come close and you want to..iwant you to. what to do?
lemme lie, gimme warmth, rest my head, something solid. I think you forget that it is nothing, i think i forget it is nothing, blow it up into much more than actual. Actual shmactual.

Walter, Jesse, Nate, want you to talk to me. I want to be here for ya's!

People i barely know add me on facebook...what to do? i don't wanna offend them and ignore them but i don't know them well, i don't want it to be a popularity contest. "My dad's better than yours!" love it! wahahaha! it's going soo fast and becoming busy and i don't wana forget easy days, as fun as the fast lane is, i do wanna cruise, i do wanna absorb the beauty. Breathe. breathe with me! ;) Seeeya sooon! Come to jevermore!

I watch the children and observe their egocentric behavior, it is all they know. They know not of self consciousness, all they know is their needs, their comforts and themselves. And as selfish as this is in their ignorance of others, what i still watch and admire or maybe not admire but envy is their desire when uncomfortable to be comforted and the acceptance everyone else has of their whines and complaints, just because they are small, just because they are young: they are brought up and held, and whispered to and rubbed or patted while being rocked and sung to; soothed.
As unacceptable as that is at my age, socially and morally, i still want it. Am i not satisfied where i'm at? well i am very much so, but i enjoy comfort, and my comfort is in adoration and attention. And and...the world whispers this, and sometimes convinces me of such, but it is...temporal. "But that is all i need now", temporal. But i know when I am in the eternal that even the temporal is outshone.
And that there is better for me. And that there is better for them. It's up and down too much, the down isnt that down anymore, the down is now mediocre, the up is crazy exciting. Yet in mediocre there isnt even desperation. I'll talk myself out of it. Why isit i forget so often what happened so recently? Am i so blessed by consistent supernatural occurances that it is 'normal' and i take it for granted. no, i dont think im taking it for granted, i just think now it really proves that not focusing day in day out, wait, no , hour by hour is not strong enough to keep me savouring something so sweet, as eternal as it may be. Because, just because I...well maybe it's just me.
Thanx. wahaha, J-, no idea how much you guys mean to me, seeing you all is soo encouraging, where would i be without you? C, Where would i be if you had not carried me!

...and He gave,
and she gave and he gave and I have.
And pray for Ps. K, he is not as well as he could be.

Golden girl, wahaha, u bring me joyyy!!!

Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Heb13:5

and i cannot remember the words but i remember the feeling.
I'm thinking ive come close to or have committed a sin parallel to gluttony. To be comfortable at the expense of others. I let down my game, I enjoy myself and remember only at a distance sometimes what is important, like who out there needs me, like trying to save a life. And that selfishness is yet to be extinguished, i am nearly spoilt, blessed in abundance, yet the very strength of situations is a weakness in my heart. I get my way a lot. I hope that's because it in in line with the will of eternity, God's will. Lately, been slacking, and yesterday I was reminded, I was told to pray with ps. K and i did and within seconds was that overwhelmed because it was so strongly the desire of C for me to be desperate for him. He was jealous, because I would sing to him and be thinking of someone else, something else. And here, He gave example 30cm away, of a state of mind so strongly resistant to maybe all else except Him who gave.
I could feel it, i swear i needed something to humble me; i always do. I cannot seem to sustain a humble attitude.

To be loving outside of comfort zones and convenience, outside of pride, to be loving regardless...
my personal fears are small which prevent big breakthroughs, a little pathetic, so again. Let me try again.

B, sorry it took her to remind me how much you needed someone to listen, I want to be there for you again. I've been selfish. Damn, where do i start?

S, I get the hands in pockets thing now. sorry i judged you for it, idiocy in me. Its got nothing to do with it, Man judges by outward appearances but God sees the heart. I get it. I might even be doing it now.

M, you know my mind keeps wandering back to that train trip and the confronting, and yea, i do miss you, and i haven't been there and i make excuses about how you aren't either, but, it doesn't... And i don't understand you, or i do, but i cant see from your view point. and i hate how you say "I deserve..." but that's only one thing and I cant hold you to it forever... I will call you more.

P, I know you think your not that influential, but u are. I think it was 2 wednesdays ago we had a rockin' meeting, that was the one where michael full opened the wound in hopes of healing, and in p&w when he told me to go up, i did, and i don't know if you'll ever understand how much joy i felt or how encouraged i felt when i saw something at the corner of my eye and turn to see you next to me and the others up too. (and thats just one occasion of many)

Thats all thats on my mind atm...wahahaha, man i love writing it out. It helps, it reminds too because you can accurately physically refer back to it without your mind manipulating memories. sweet, loveLife.liveLove!
Thanx for how you've made me who i am.
Love ya's plenty!
ps: don't tell me its human nature because I dont believe it is a valid reason/excuse now that Jesus was human and managed to avoid all of these selfish acts. I can guarentee you He was 100% human. Nor can you tell me I am not a daughter of God.

I'm going to be unemployed as of next week onwards, because I had been telling work I wanted to finish up, I had been telling them [I had another job I assumed would be promising] for about 6 months or maybe three, but it felt like 6. and they finally got it. They've hired 2 newbies and to be fair to them work has to give them shifts, even though I never found a new job. I'm not too buggerd about loosing my job, I don't love the place, I don't hate the place. I know there is a 90% chance that I might be the clumsiest waitress in the history of PJ's. It wasn't mediocre, it was up and down, never very up but occasionally very down.

starving myself of what i want and dont need, and im stepping back
now? Now i try something new, now I'll be desperate to support my increasingly expensive lifestyle. Now I'll be more desperate for God, why? because when I find myself lacking, I turn to the most abundant source. And I'll learn, and very probably grow, possibly cut back a little and maybe find myself accumulating riches of a higher regard. Your love will never fail, your love will never fail. Now I'm learning to give, wahahah, its hard to get the ball rolling, and rolling over hurdles for that matter. And learning to take. Taking what is mine, taking what is His and taking a stand. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.
im ok with it, really! i think its better for all, but i wont say i dont miss it.
ginger beer to go! and savour the sweet.

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
but we are hidin' in a safer place
under the covers stayin' dry and warm
you give me feelin's that i adore

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

wahaha, something different, something chic-flicky. wahaha, i know, i know its weird of me, but i am still a girl, and as much as you might cringe i have an occasional tendency to act like one too. i thought this song was ace, like a move-to-the-country-and-live-like-technology-never-ruled feel, with long fields of tall grass and a cliff to the sea somewhere nearby, with a little shabby house and vintage furniture. You and me outside on the veranda sharing chilled lemon water, being comfortable on a cracked leather button sofa, its warm but its breezy and . wahaha, apparently not today. apparently 3 assignments and a stubborn printer. Apparently a watch on my left wrist with no batteries because i just feel like wearing it. Pull me back. remind me reality.

doing...
am doing at the moment.

mediocre is sinking. tonight will be better, movies with friends, im looking forward to the friends part.
dont ask me if im oke and then disappear, dont do that.
im letting of of her i think. and its not even intentional. ahh nutts. i wish i could tell you...no damn. why so swaying?

im not impressed i will get over it.

please let me know your there. why do you...

why so swaying?

WAHAAhaahahaha, you know its funny because i've been filling in numerous forms lately, and i've umm, discoverd i've been spelling my name wrong....yes i kno, a little silly. Oke, my name: Nicole Meng-Wai Fong...what i've been spelling: Nicole Meng-WEi Fong. mmmm. what can i say, i hope never to forget my name again! Now i've got to talk to voting enrolment ppl to tell them I got my name wrong. ehehe. whoops. Glad i pulled out my birth ceritifcate to be sure. wahahaha~.
dre where are you? how are you? hope to see you sometime soon!
whaha love it!
Anyway, im loving tjourney more and more. its so comfortable, its so totally accepting of me, i think. I like the people a lot, i love how God moves through us, and loves me through them. Last night was amazing, michael was really bold in what he said, wahahaha, and yea, it was a breakthrough, but maybe less of the focus on the baddies more praise to God.
leave me lonely, yet i have more that so many. thankyou
mmm, nothing. nothing. a beautiful word: nothing. it might be one of the most contradictory words for me. Nothing is so much in itself. Nothing has nothing to lose and everything to gain. I am nothing yet have before me eternity, have abundance at the word, and if not even I will never have nothing. Because of Him, because of Love. so gladly accept my contradictory nothing status. remind me if need be. I'll be seeing you! ;)