Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Heb13:5

and i cannot remember the words but i remember the feeling.
I'm thinking ive come close to or have committed a sin parallel to gluttony. To be comfortable at the expense of others. I let down my game, I enjoy myself and remember only at a distance sometimes what is important, like who out there needs me, like trying to save a life. And that selfishness is yet to be extinguished, i am nearly spoilt, blessed in abundance, yet the very strength of situations is a weakness in my heart. I get my way a lot. I hope that's because it in in line with the will of eternity, God's will. Lately, been slacking, and yesterday I was reminded, I was told to pray with ps. K and i did and within seconds was that overwhelmed because it was so strongly the desire of C for me to be desperate for him. He was jealous, because I would sing to him and be thinking of someone else, something else. And here, He gave example 30cm away, of a state of mind so strongly resistant to maybe all else except Him who gave.
I could feel it, i swear i needed something to humble me; i always do. I cannot seem to sustain a humble attitude.

To be loving outside of comfort zones and convenience, outside of pride, to be loving regardless...
my personal fears are small which prevent big breakthroughs, a little pathetic, so again. Let me try again.

B, sorry it took her to remind me how much you needed someone to listen, I want to be there for you again. I've been selfish. Damn, where do i start?

S, I get the hands in pockets thing now. sorry i judged you for it, idiocy in me. Its got nothing to do with it, Man judges by outward appearances but God sees the heart. I get it. I might even be doing it now.

M, you know my mind keeps wandering back to that train trip and the confronting, and yea, i do miss you, and i haven't been there and i make excuses about how you aren't either, but, it doesn't... And i don't understand you, or i do, but i cant see from your view point. and i hate how you say "I deserve..." but that's only one thing and I cant hold you to it forever... I will call you more.

P, I know you think your not that influential, but u are. I think it was 2 wednesdays ago we had a rockin' meeting, that was the one where michael full opened the wound in hopes of healing, and in p&w when he told me to go up, i did, and i don't know if you'll ever understand how much joy i felt or how encouraged i felt when i saw something at the corner of my eye and turn to see you next to me and the others up too. (and thats just one occasion of many)

Thats all thats on my mind atm...wahahaha, man i love writing it out. It helps, it reminds too because you can accurately physically refer back to it without your mind manipulating memories. sweet, loveLife.liveLove!
Thanx for how you've made me who i am.
Love ya's plenty!
ps: don't tell me its human nature because I dont believe it is a valid reason/excuse now that Jesus was human and managed to avoid all of these selfish acts. I can guarentee you He was 100% human. Nor can you tell me I am not a daughter of God.