Curious is searching

Musings seeded by a Very Close One of Mine:

Be it far from me to adopt the perspective of skepticism! But, this time...for once...crazily enough, a Very Close One of Mine (who claims he does not believe in love), made an accusation "We are all in love with the poet, with the idea of love, not the person themselves". Except that I forgot his words, and he said it much better. He developed the idea that people could love the poems exchanged yet neglect and pass the one they exchange with.

Sadly, I do believe that's the case, most of the time. Two may meet, know little, if anything of the other person, yet entertain the 8% probability that they're suited for each other. Why? Because they cling to the hope that love is closer than it may be; that it is chanced rather than worked for. So I watch many a friend meet somebody they're attracted to, who responds to their flirts and who they can converse like clockwork with. Then naively, they pin to this 'other' everything they would love in a companion, and if not proved wrong, then considered found in. For the sake of clarity, let's take the illustration of "must love dogs", lame I know.

Henry found a lovely girl: she was unique, pretty, had the cutest laugh, the softest smile and the quirkiest wit.
Henry's dog's had been with him for two thirds of his life, there was nothing short of a lifetime shared between them. Thus, the "must love dogs" criteria.
-Enters Kira-
She would comment about his dogs often, and would laugh with him at them.
He thought she loved Dog#1 to #3.
She thought they were "just dogs"; she laughed more because she thought Henry was cute when he played with them
Kira had no problem with dogs, but that doesn't exactly qualify her for the crucial criteria. However, Henry was just too plastered to see that she would never go out of her way for his dogs lest he stood on one leg, played the harmonica and juggled kittens for 30seconds...or begged her. We do what we must to please another, in some cases it's not overly inconvenient. Therefore, it is not until times are pressingly inconvenient that we discover the deeper values (or lack of) concerning those we are attracted to.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in love, and I do believe in the love that binds husband and wife. I just believe it is harder to attain than is acknowledged for, thanks to chick flicks and romance series'. As agreed between myself and a Very Close One of Mine, "bad timing" is not valid reason for break ups of relationships. Rather, now that I think about it, "bad times" are the incubators that nurture love, the real thing.

I conclude! Said I, four hours ago: "Never befriend a thinker". Now glad am I that my friends don't abide by that rule!
Forgive my laziness, I simply can't be bothered adjusting these words into colours and fonts and sizes. Bye. I like to tell you these things. I don't see you lots, but I hope you're all well.

A toast!
To 'this'!
Bott'ms up,
Lovely!
Lick up that last
drop of
sunshine
and 'mmm'
the l i n g e r i n g of
fluid gold.
Laugh while you can
see reason to.
Marry while your love
is innocent.
Love while your ALIVE.

He walks with Lady Luck.

She's lovely on his sleeve, seems to have an air about her that he boasts when she's with him. Her dresses are always flowy and colourful, cascaded by full, melodic laughter. However, she is restless and "a free spirit". Hence, the days with her are quick, unpredictable and for that matter unrealiable.

- - - - -

He is engaged to Jane Earning.

She is expensive, but both stunning and cunning. She holds strategy and ideals to a tee. He works hard for her, showering her with the income of his labour. He deserves her because he can afford to. It is the obsession and conviction they share that ensures he will always be accompanied by her impressive self if he works hard enough for it. He enjoys her company, therefore deeming her worth the effort.

- - - - -

He's in love with Grace.

She holds his hand with both a gentle but firm grasp. She has a unique look, her beauty grows more upon each viewing. She is humble but not outspoken. Understanding yet strangely strong. She demands his devotion while simultaneously yielding herself to him. They make decisions together, and deeply affect each other's standing and mood. She smiles much.

I just want to be in the company;

o f a n y o f t h e e i g h t o f y o u

because... just because.

Leave me alone green monster

I had that sneaking suspicion you'd be together, so I called you both and neither picked up. I feared the reason would be because you were having too good a time, without me. Then an hour later my phone rings and caller ID states it's one of your phones, except I hear the other through the speakers. So my suspicions confirmed, my doubts increased, I'm concerned you'll both get it wrong.

Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe.

NO, I did not need you to call me just then and tell me you had 45minutes left to waste together, because you could not include me in 45minutes. Stop teasing me. This friendship isn't us three anymore. It's you two.
You're gonna hurt yourselves with this emotional attachment. I'd prefer it stop at just the hurting me.

It doesn't matter. We have our "seasons" per say. This spring just hasn't been mine...hopefully summer shines a new light.

Dear Post 393.
I think your a clever number. 3 9 3.
You make a lot of sense.
Three threes equal nine
Three plus three plus three equals nine
Nine devided by three is three.
What's more, when threes and nines are together, everyone knows you are a family!

Intelligent musings have gone fishing, will be back before the clock chimes 25. Take a ticket and wait in line. Together we'll run out of time!

.
.
.
.
.
i suppose smiling does the best good all the time.
.
.
smile, Dreamer, smile.

dream, Smiler, dream.

.
.
.
.
.
.

tomorrow we'll read of love, run under the overcast sun, write of life

and remember you

.

.

Yes, that's exactly what we'll do.

.

.

.

so begins a new battle!

The one with myself with time against the better side of me.
note to self: i think maybe that prayer might be a useful resource to call upon.

lo and behold

the enemy's face is not intimidating, not as much as it is aggrevatingly ugly.
So, now that we're here, just to shatter your assumption that I'm afraid of you, I'll laugh at your attempts and receive your hard knocks but lift myself from the dust and fight back. I'll wipe the tears, beads of sweat and blood of my loves from my face and not drop this sword until your dead within an ∞km radius of me and those I love...there is the odd chance I'll never drop this sword.

But because the one I love fights at my back. Because the one I love fights beside me. Because the one I love fights before me. Because the one I love fights for me.
Because the one I love never stopped.
Because the love has won, I will!

...and courage grows from the encouragement I've received, so
Step away from my friends.
I'm in love with Him, you can't stop me now!
He's in love with me, just try to get past him!

Last week's screamer, now tomorrow's dreamer.
Dance with me, Love. Make your fight a dance til the death. I can't believe how gory this has become. Take no prisoners. Let me never stop dancing, lest my passion ever dies.

The Jealous Kind

I suppose I've begun to wonder if jealousy is worth my breath.
It is the outcome of our former triangle, now re-established as their line and my dot.

And suddenly I'm here where I started, before our triangle was drawn.

Maybe not exactly the same place... I must credit them carrying me a reasonable distance, but the fruits of this new establishment make me wonder what I could achieve if I stopped trying to extend the dot that I am in reminisce attempts of re-achieving our triangle (for my sake alone, might I add!).
"It might be easier not to care" Oh how I despise that thought utterly! It goes against everything that love is, that love fights for; yet the thought, I entertained. How dare I! After all the love I have received, to turn around and say "I don't have to care because it hurts me?". Ungratefulness is a common rail of mine, preparing tracks for my trains of complaint.

Dear, I have not progressed well this week. I suppose if I flailed my arms and begun foundering like the attention seeker I know within me, I would cause enough commotion to feed this hunger to be cared for...not that I am not already! See, this greed also yearns. Alas, I would not save any time in this matter, not by addressing the famished savage that is my fleshly desires. I need to starve it until weakness overcomes it, surrendering to me: relief and selflessness and the freedom I find in you, in love.

It's a clever idea, and I believe it works, the lyrics of plus one's Be Love words it perfectly. The chorus? The solution I half despise as it goes again my human nature yet makes perfect sense:
Well if you need love
Take the time and be love
Breathe it out, create love
See how things can turn.
If you need love
Give yourself and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn.

It seems The Jealous Kind is undergoing reconstruction. Through gritted teeth and short breaths she hopes somehow this revaluing might not leave her lowered.
I know you love me, I know you love me, I know you love me...

I don't know why

I don't know how

Don't let go.

Hello. Hello.. Hello... Hello

"Shower me with your love,
colour everyday.
You make the milk gold sun shine on me.
ayyy ;)
Lift me up so high,
watch me fly away

And you give me life..."

Lets venture, Love. That way; or any which way you feel like. I'mwithyou.
My hands are burnt, but my spirit's high. Lead on!

God, if you help me pass this year, I promise to work harder next year.

...and if you don't. I'll still work harder next year.

I'm sorry I've wasted this.

geez, your a wonder,

you like to contradict me...
or maybe I like to contradict you.
But i cant help feeling your amused by my confusion.

Yes, I can't do a thing without you! What's more, I'll finally come to terms with a process you decide would be good for us, in time for you to change it. I don't know if im complaining or not. Because what my complaints used to sing, I now have, when I realised I could do without. Except that my head is all boggled and I'm infinitely unaware of what your trying to teach me. I have the feeling it has something to do with "trust me".

Love, if i close my eyes and let you lead me, it might be easier, but you tell me to keep them open and find the strength in my feet. I would love, absolutely love to work at the museum. And I fear this curiousity will nearly kill me. Although the timing is perfect. You always are. Should I reject this current offer, in faith of your provision? How can I finish these three assignments? How will I tailor this dress in time? When will I have time to call her? I told her I would this week. I don't know how to netbank, and I'm almost relieved, my savings account is about to deflate, and I'm both excited and blank. Will I miss two mondays because my friends are in celebration? Which is it? Ministry or Selfishness? I feel a little less loyal. I wouldn't mind a little sunshine. The bottle next to my bible says everything.

Ta.Brake!Please?RightOverThere!NextLeft?Waha!AnythingElse?YouMissedASpot.LETGO!Ahh.

This is deeper than an empty stomach and a reasoning to go without...
i dont want it to be what i think it's becoming.

i dont think you understand my need to feel you beside me,
i dont know how strong you think i am, but i feel more tired now, and hopeless
Now that you don't call me in the mornings and wake me up anymore.

But you always have reasoning that often goes beyond me.
...
I trust this is a similar case.

and i miss you and i need you,
i do.
don't go
take my lov
e.

Smile, I like it when you do.

"This shouldn't have happened." I murmured
"No, your right, it shouldn't have...but it did. So what are you going to do about it?" Wisdom seemed strangely calm, strangely rational.
I scowled at the dirt I had scuffed with the heel of my restless foot; preferring to keep eye contact at a low since my bitterness was beginning to surface.
"This shouldn't have happened." I repeated, as if to justify my resistance to responsibility in the matter. I had some serious reconsiderations to reconsider. I'd never been tested to this extent- to have the process of forgiveness, one I've struggled with, ever, until now. Sad to say I struggled with it tonight but finally breathed I forgive you into the night, incidentally freeing myself.
"I know this isn't easy..."
I began to wonder if Wisdom had a heart. How was she unfazed by these recent events? No, the wound was not a direct infliction, it needed not be. The damage was done, the team, scattered.
"How can one simple leak manage to permeate every commitment I hold?"
"This was no minor part of your life." Wisdom was understanding.
"But, it was not my life support either...I think"
"Well, that established, stop willing defeat come swiftly!"
I smirked, only once or thrice!
"Quick, we have little time to keep our lead."
"You call this a lead?" I had been caught up on by skepticism.
"Sturdy up your heart, dear. The road is long ahead. Here," She threw me her well worn water flask, "you need to keep hydrated."
I accepted, she seemed to know exactly what to say and how to act at every occasion, unexpected as they arose. The pack was heavy, I wanted not to carry it with me again. I felt complaints extend from my lower back to my lips.
"Let's go back to the group, we need to keep moving. Hasten! Sure you've been hurt, but do not overlook your own shortcomings! In many occasions you failed to move yourself from the line of fire!"
I rolled my eyes.
We entered the clearing, and I was met with appreciative expressions. I was again reminded of the much relief my detached team had brought me. We cannot afford to loose anymore. We cannot afford to loose anyone else. Desperation seemed to boost a little more fight within me.

Blame and bitterness had melted, enough time dwelt on the problem. We needed to trek quickly towards our solution, our base. Our mission had been placed on hold in order to recoup. Patriotism awoke aptly in me, and would hopefully stay awake for a greater duration this time. Apprehension was shuffled to the back, pushed mercilessly by a sense of remembered purpose.
"Efficiency, love." Nodded Wisdom as we both breathed deep and blinked long. It just so happened love was the most efficient source and method we had to progress further, faster.
Smiles, oblivious to our unfamiliar dirt road, were exchanged as we saddled ourselves with packs of reacquainted expectation.

Hello Journey.

matthew28:18-20

When some saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Jeremiah 8
:15 We hoped for peace
but no good has come,
for a time of healing
but there was only terror.

:18 O my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.

I wanted wisdom, but became conceited.
I wanted joy, and now taste bitterness.
I wanted purpose, but I can't understand it.
I wanted love... why didn't you?

Show me again, how it worked. Let me see somebody loving another. Show me what it is, show me selflessness. I've forgotten. I loathe this world. Everybody lives for themselves. I hate living for myself, but it's all i know to do.

Where is your truth? Where are the fruits of your labour, oh you who sowed?

where is the love?

you are so bloody weak. Get over yourself. You said it yourself "...it's not the end of the world yet. There is still hope!"

or are you a liar too?

what do you want from me?
Im breathing normally again...I just don't understand what the point of it is.

tell me where i can find the strongest glue ever known in the history of man-kind.
and tell me where i can find it at this time of the night/morning. One that holds well and dries quickly. I need to pull myself together and stay that way for just another day.
How can i face the children?

i hate you.
get out of me.

i've decided
i
will wait

for you.

for once I will wait for you.
this time i will hold back my words and wait until you have something to say to me. no more "i love you"s. they fell on deaf ears..

HOW CAN YOU LOVE THIS?...HER!
You Are Insane.

Insane.

did you hear she made her mother cry?
she treats her very own like a servant.
she never learns, she never learns.

i wonder why everyone still holds her in such high regard.

"Yeah, she's like that..."
"What's the word...how do you say that?"
"Mm, I know what you mean..."
"Addicted to herself. That's it"
"Perfect description!"
"Yes, she's addicted to herself. You know how she always unloads herself onto everybody else?"
"Exactly! She hardly listens anymore"
"I wonder why she got so self-centred?"
"All she wants to do is talk about herself all the time...OH and the complaining!"
"I've had quite enough of her. She forgets everything about everything else"
"Damn I hate how fake she is!"

your voices drive me wild. i hate the truth in it.
i need you to look at me and tell me what's wrong with me.
damnit. you cant let this paranoia devour me. i dont owe you anything.

shut up.
we've heard enough.

It's broken, there's no use!

im loosing my grip...
the only thing keeping me from letting go, is you.
Because if i let go, you fall also.

i dont want you to fall. any of you.

damn this heart. So weak is its tolerance for pain. Quickly, take me to unconsciousness.

hello vanity,
i like your style.