veins of vanity

black ties
glazed eyes
flutter flirty
conscience, dirty

knowing better
blood red letter
wonder whether
God can save her

beauty: fleeting
looks: misleading
charm: deceiving
notice in him?

grant me truth

wisdom to boot

...eyes that sought for:

beauty more...

Who I am.

Dear Today,

You've been savage to me. Today I want to blame you for everything wrong that happens in your shift, although there has been no official "bad thing". I don't know why, but you've stimulated feelings in me I cannot justify...

I feel like cigarette butts and dust clouds, like car pile ups and lonely pensioners. I feel like a dying patient, a junkie in remorse and a sad teenager just impregnated. I feel like the one person who could have prevented nine-eleven but hesitated seven seconds too long.

And why?

I'm the kid who punched you in the face because you whispered something under your breath that made me insecure and defensive, so i gave you my all and walked away. I'm the girl who started dating you before I broke up with him but was too coward to sever either, so I lost you both. I'm the 'coke' dealer and I'm the alcoholic father who cries the rare times he's sober, but abuses his family every other time. I'm the handsome year eleven sex addict who womanises every pretty girl and breaks their heart within his three week rule.

As it turns out, I need a little help.

I'm the friendly person with nobody to call.
I am the self-righteous christian trying to imagine forgiveness...wondering where she went wrong.

I am the two-packet-day smoker with the four year old asthmatic son, picking up the phone and dialing quitline; desperately hoping that little person in my telephone can save us from the effect I've caused.

Finally, I am the hopeful with a weak heart, who just received a call.

They've found me a new heart.

I am the hopeful with a 74% chance of success, knowing that this operation will kill me or give me a new stronger life. I am the hopeful believing that my new strong heart will help me earn a living, enough to help me pay off the expense that it cost me to get it. I am the hopeful who longs for life whatever the cost.

I hear you have a new heart for me.
This operation is not painless, nor is it cheap and easy.
But...
but I want to live.
I rather the pain of growing, the pain of relearning and the pain of rehabiliation than the pain of dying. Dying pain is useless and depressing. Growing pains are amazing for resilience! And I'm trying to grow mine :)

His facial expression seemed to convey the strangest combinations of what his heart apparently projected. He peered down on me with a look of curiosity, a look of musing, a look of hope, a look of familiarity and a look of distance. Then squinted his eyes at a photo he held in his right hand. Then back at me with a tinge of sadness, a tinge of loss, a tinge of hurt but a glimmer of an idea.

"Shall we?" He beckoned, with arm outstretched to the path beside autumn trees, laden with orange-brown leaves. I nodded politely. I felt I could perhaps keep this mysterious man company. He seemed to have lost something or somebody. Some lonely people are very good company, I thought blindly.

He began, "My daughter's lost something, I wonder if you could help me find it."
"Why it just so happens I have a little time on my hands...not much, but a little."
"Ahh. A little will have to do," he sighed. I smiled.
"You see, my daughter's been acting differently ever since she lost it."
"Mm? And what is it that she's lost? It sounds valuable."
"Ahh! Because it is!" his eyes sparkled with excitement at my observation. "It is the very thing that makes her smile at people in passing and the very thing that makes her cry for passing people."
"She sounds like a lovely girl!"
"Oh, she is! When she wants to be," He sighed, "but lately, since she's lost this something, she's been less lovely, more insecure, less appreciative, more vain, less caring and more careless."
"Oh dear! We better find this something then! Do you have any idea what it is?"
"I know exactly what it is."
"Well, what is it?!" I asked, glancing quickly at my watch.

He paused and turned to face me, searching my eyes for something. A little confused I allow him entry as his eyes search mine and a certain familiarity cascades this man's features.

"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"Perhaps. You remind me of my daughter. You look like her. But..."
"But?.." I walked with him for a quiet minute more, then realised the time. "I'm terribly sorry! I really have to go now! I hope you find what your daughter's lost!" Apologetic but hastily I begin my brisk walk back the beautiful path we'd travelled. I used to love these autumn trees, I just don't have the time to appreciate them anymore!

He sighed, I was a small figure a distance and a world apart in a matter of thirty four seconds. He looked again at the photo of me he still held in his right hand and slipped it into his pocket, as he looked at my trail of shuffled footprints.

"Purpose, dear. Purpose."

Our Little Unit

"COVER HIM!" She screamed to the only other able body. He did, just. The sound of grounding metal and sharpening rocks filled the thick air of heavy breathing and many grunts. Thank God we're all in tact...somewhat.

They had managed to keep direct opposition at bay for a little and had run for a little more. Tiredness and insecurity seemed to be the temperature of the last couple of days. Our one little unit, already shrunk in both size and resources felt themselves tried and tested to the limits they never knew was containable. It's not supposed to be like this; this wasn't meant to happen.

They used to be the firecracker unit, the more contagiously patriotic unit this side of the army. Now dwindled and without clear instruction, they hoped simply to not become like the dust they had crawled in during the past few weeks. The Captain had resigned a moment and a half ago, not nearly early enough with as little notice as possible. So for the moment and perhaps a moment more, our little unit were to proceed without a team leader.

The Major General had been rather understanding of late and had taken place within our little unit in attempt to keep hope alive. It was clear though, that it was not his place to be their leader, however temporal. The Major General had strategies to be planning and ambushes to be setting. They were told another had been requested to replace the former Captain, also a temporary position... until said one from our little unit were to rise to the occasion. We had serious doubts, even though we knew that the battalion had rallied closer to our coordinates to compact protection and provide our little unit, time to regroup and re-strategise. Time as per usual, was against them.

Many tears and a few days later, our little unit began to remember communication, the very failure that had cost them every resource to be valued in this war: time, distance and weaponry. Bring us back into the strategy. They needed to drink from the resilience that had grown within them during the harshness of this period. They needed to remember victories! When they advanced with mission to rescue fellow captives and obliterate opposition, rather than their recent pattern of simply keeping enemies at bay in the hope of living the next day.

Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours is the victory. Yours...we are. We're getting stronger love, we have to. Pick up your swords brothers, I know your tired, but we're still alive, and so is this war...put two and two together. Backup will arrive shortly. We have our strengths, we have our swords, we will again remember our patriotism. Our little unit will be a firecracker again. Our Little Unit.

my fingers smell of vegemite
it strikes me much as odd
that dark and salty spread that wafts of childhood times and times forgot.

there's chance that this odd incident
was effect from lunchtime's cause
for indulge I did in the salty spread with ease and without pause.

To: The Bipolar Family,

My house can no longer accomodate you.
Please find lodging elsewhere.

Yours truly,
author.

your holding me, then your not,

then your holding me, then your not.

This particular learning curve you've guided me through I can only liken to riding a bike.
I've known how to ride a bike since "before". What's more, I had lately seemed to be progressing quite apparently: gaining speed in shorter periods and sustaining such for longer...with my training wheels.

Then you unscrew my supports and I'm left with only two wheels and a little uncertainty. With deep breaths and your hold, I begin shakily. Holding my breath as I will the gear with my kinetic energy to revolve the back wheel, I continue only with the assurance of your holding my balance. I am upright only because your strong enough to keep me there. But you need me to learn my independence, not away from you, but so you can run ahead of me and lead my path, rather than proceeding shakily at questionable speeds. "Efficiency, love."

So I learn through this process of doing; of practicing on even, level ground as preparation for this marathon through treacherous terrain that you've mapped.

Your holding me, then your not,
then your holding me, then your not,
I might tire and put my feet down to steady and stop for a little,
but you will me on, holding me, ...etc

We're close, Love. I like being close to you.
I like having you near, feeling you beside me.
However that's a blessing I cannot always afford for the sake of growth. For the sake of your heart and your plans and your strategy and the furtherance of your kingdom. I mean, I know you always are there...but i like feeling it, it makes life easier.

But enjoy it while I can, I will.
I seem to dip very frequently between the ambience of your love and the uncertainty of my ability. You must have reason for choosing me, so i suppose i have enough to run on.

Funny how it's when i finally decide to release myself from those of whom my life weighs heavily upon, that you make it impossible to escape amazing friends. Yet when I search for them to rely upon, you keep them at bay. That seems to be the pattern of late. I suppose only because it falls in line with your promise- Seek first my kingdom and all these things will be added to you.

So very secure in your hold.
So very warm in your embrace.
Shield me, love, while I draw my sword

...I hear the enemy's advancing.

hello mountains,

I'll see you soon!

i had always been faithful to my weakness of unfaithfulness...

strangely enough, I also had a moment of intense rage today. For nearly no apparent reason, a tiny thing that has never affected me in such a manner, today made me scream in my car in attempt to release the unwanted anger. What's more, I knew this was a test, I knew it was clearly out of place and something in me welled up and I became ugly for a minute. I blasted music from the static radio of my dad's old corolla, and could not look at him because my anger was shameful.

It seems I am now very aware of the two battles within me. Like these very out-of-the-ordinary one-minute occurances are a window into the futures I could expect. Depending on my decisions.

The only way to victory is faithfulness. I know you are faithful. Therefore faithfulness on my behalf will complete the covenant and I too will partake in your victory.

There was moment today, where for no apparent reason, I was glad to be alive.
Not that I usually dread each day, but in life, you forget your alive and simply live...going through the motions yada yada.

But today, for no reason at all, something in me welled up, like an uncontainable gratefulness that today was so beautiful. So my head turned and I met him because I knew he was with me and we smiled. For that minute, every person I looked at was beautiful and I wanted to thank them just for being there. Unfortunately, I busied myself and continued living the usual afterward.

I know this is love. It has to be.

The weather was indecisive today, sun darting to and from behind the clouds. But everytime I stepped outside, I'd notice the sun reappear and feel perfectly warmed. I know it was you. I know it. Because it wasn't just the sun warming me today. It was you.

they call it 'love'... the one i've never known

my friends broke up last night,
she told me this morning in a message to my phone
he messaged me privately over facebook telling me to look out for her on his behalf

It makes me curious...about that love that is so very often plastered on the walls of my every environment. It seems the world wants love, because there is something in its tone that speaks of fulfilment, of perfection and the abolishing of loneliness.

Love, the perfect one, is what I think would do me well. It is quite the only thing keeping me above this world, this sinking ship.

On the other hand, I don't think I could handle a break up. If, at any point, I allow somebody that close to me, to know me that intimately (no, not physically; intimately), I suppose I'd have already decided early on, no detachment is in order. Why would you allow somebody to know you that intimately if you hadn't intended to be with that somebody at least indefinitely, let alone with the intention of marriage! *gasps from readers!

Before dating, if ever I am afforded the opportunity, there is friendship. A very, very solid friendship. The friendship that began without attraction, or insufficient amounts for it to be the main motivation for knowing a person. The friendship, then strengthened much by the toughs of life, would result in genuine respect and care for that person. Continuing from a birds eye perspective: the two then build on each other as friends do, confide in each other, and work better together. Efficiency is quite the key; the if's follow suit: If they are stronger together and the support system is better together than apart. If they intercede for the other and encourage each other. If criticism is constructive and clear with God intentions between them; with a greater desire for the other to grow above that of them not to be hurt. If their ministries take them on similar (if not the same path). If their knowledge of the other repels doubts and develops protective mechanisms. If their drive to live is only God and his will...

then they have the fundamental foundation for a relationship deeper than friendship. By then, knowing the other is quite intimate, nothing short of a best friend status. By then, attraction is somewhat imminent. [But don't get me wrong, I have my far share of guy friends who qualify most of my If's, but who I am not drawn to in such manners]

Thus begins dating.

I know not from there what or how things work, but I believe dating is the practice for marriage. The intention for me would be marriage. I don't imagine I would factor in "breaking up" as an option during my dating. I believe that perhaps "break up" is an excuse not to iron out the lumps in the cloth. Because I honestly believe that by the "dating" stage, there would be more than enough reasons to love a person, and the conflicting natures of both are cogs that are to be chipped away at and sanded down and polished.

I could be wrong.

I wouldn't know.
That's the naive, perfectionist opinion of she who has never been in love.
"Love" in this context between a girl and a boy.
I think I'd like to be 'in love'. But to go looking would not satisfy my idealistic checklist.
This love is no essential.
Again, I'd say, it's a question of efficiency.
If I am not more efficient with another, I could not expect to spend the rest of my life with them. If they do not play a part in making me a better person, what good are they to me? and vice versa.

I conclude, this love is beyond me.
It might be better, better kept that way ;)

Good luck to you, in regard to this love...not that I endose the search for such complication. How about I just hope you achieve your full potential, whether that encompasses a life partner or not!

again 1Cor9:27

if anyone could hold me tighter, closer or more securely than you...i would cease to exist.
wahahaha! it makes no sense!
but i love you
and you've got me holding onto you again.
i seem to remember life,
the life that mattered
or i try to anyway.

and there,
there it is again.
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
...just you
you and the peace you bring in stride.

You,
I AM,
are
my
freedom.

What I do makes no sense

I think you'd agree, the best thing to enjoy with cauliflower is the sunset.
Nothing short of marvelous. A touch of salt to the mellow flavour, simply steamed. Beautiful visual: soft graduation of vibrant colours; darkening sky. A tease of heaven, forgotten pain. Tapered ideally with fantasies of perfection and anything beautiful, everything pure.

I don't want to go back. I will regret my failures, but I'll also learn from them. They will cost me every resource I should value: time, money, effort, energy.
I just cannot seem to summon the willpower to shake my sense of...absense; though it binds me, though it blinds me. It seems defeat is before me and I'm quite prepared to succumb.

Iwanttowanttoliveoutsidemyselfishness. Iwanttowanttoloveforyou.
Show me please, something new.

My challenge for this new month...

to live on fifty dollars.

Yes, this is my attempt to pay off my debts and live on the edge for this month. Since I have full time placement at a school for the next three weeks, I will be required to bring packed lunches daily, this should ease off my money pressures considerably. *heavy sighs and rolled eyes

Wish me wisdom! ;)
who needs luck if you could be wise?