my dearest, my goliath

for you
alone
i'll choose
each stone
with careful weight
and past unknown
but fit, it will
into my sling
its path I create
to protect my home.

part restlessness

the world, it calls me
...away from here.

Over oceans and time barriers, into strange lands, fascinating cultures and captivating peoples.
This desire to travel has only gotten stronger. It's quite the change of heart since this time last year. When my patriotism to Australia swore me faithful to one country only, stating i "could never really live" outside such a rich desert! (wahaha, spare me the irony)

But now, I receive my regular notices from travel agencies, teasing me with holographic tickets to everwhere but here. "Home". I don't know what home is anymore. Apparently it is where my heart is. Hmm, this here is home only because my heart is with the church and my friends. It's no wonder then, that I would easily be away from here if both ceased to exist.

So I drool in daydreams of island hopping and tropical jungles, overbearing sea storms, floods and humid mucks. Of rebuilding houses and helping to establish "better lives" for people in need. To live with less creature comforts and be a little more "free" from manufactured and artificial and commercial and superficial. Not that that is my primary pull to travel. I can't say i know what it is. I don't know why I want so much to travel now. Why now? Why do i want to?

I just do.

So yes, the only weights keeping me from flying are my responsibilities to the church, and my funds. I have little but sufficient amounts of both to keep me grounded and well sustained here; with just enough curiosity about this world map it's inhabitants to sustain also my new craving to travel.

I don't know what I'm looking for...
but my daydreams and hopes now cross borders.

"My daughter, do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the daughter he delights in"

-proverbs3:11&12 (niv)

there, you did it again. peace imparted in my pain.

deep breaths of thank you

It feels as hard to breathe as if I were locked in a sauna (and i can't do sauna's) and made to sweat out my bad habits. It feels like suffocation is the norm this season.
It feels now that my advocating the good ole cold turkey is really being slapped back in my face! Are you happy? You cut off my communication and I hate asking for help. So if i do and there's no reply, I'm not gonna chase for it! I want to look elsewhere, because temporal relief sounds so much better than my withdrawal symptoms right now. I should never take up smoking, because I mightn't be able to quit! It feels like staying on the edge is the only way to stay alive, but balance is too hard to keep; so throwing myself off this high and stupid ledge might provide a little relief until I have to worry about landing! "What's that?" you say, "Giving up or suicidal musings?"? No, you idiot, I'm throwing a tamtrum, I will get over it...later

My complaints annoy me. Like the brat herself has finally found a voice and I will regret this later! Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

...how long, Lord?

I hate my flesh, i hate my ways...
seriously, make it stop.
Honestly, just rip me to pieces, do it quickly! None of this pry-her-open-slowly torture!
gaahh! i hate myself

acoustic black

Again, the world had worn me thin. I nodded profusely in and out of an apathetic consciousness in my window seat on the front carriage. My head resting on my reasonably unstable hand that often fell off the slanted ledge that rose for my temporal support. But this time it was different.

Because I heard something that resonated and vibrated through my lonely drowsiness. A note. A soft, unsure note from a plucked string somewhere within my hearing radius. And it sang to me over the rickety of the train as it bounced over galvanized tracks and over that man's throbbingly loud headphones. Sleep fell quickly from me, as did the desire to loose consciousness. Let me find it. My awareness peeked as a meerkat's might, and I eagerly scanned my surroundings, longing to identify whoever woke me. I found him quickly; and rose from my seat to find a standing closer to him.

So I stood and he played; softly, restlessly, plunking notes that spoke to me of him. I couldn't see his face the entire time. He played as he watched the whirling scenery race pass us as the train approached destination. His mangy hair was long, dyed black and shaved in a few places. His 2 inch black platform lace up shoes gave more to the height of him. My eyes, however, were mostly drawn to where the music woke me, his black nail polished fingers darting across frets freeing the music that made him.

I felt I was understood,
even if he never looked at me.

The train lurched to a halt and we all lined up at the door. I planned to get outside and then tap him on the shoulder and whisper a heart-felt thank you. But as the current of people flowed towards the ticket gates urgent to return home, he made a sudden u-turn and walked the other way onto the platform again, and I was pushed contrary to him. I walked a little way further, because home was also on my mind, but overrode it and turned back to find him.

Alas, he was nowhere to be found. I scanned each carriage as I walked the length of the train, pass the smoke and conversation of the ticket inspectors and back. I had just been inspired, and usually I like to appreciate them who inspire me.

It seems lately, that my cds have been laying forlorn on my bedroom floor, sprawled and untouched save the occasional guilt trip to listen to them. I want, now, to hear people. Because when people play music, when they are courageous enough to express themselves in public without reason, they give me permission to hear their hearts. Where none is done for personal gain or recognition or routine, but out of their willingness to give a little hope (even if just for themselves).

I love to see the music that makes you. It intrigues me, calls me, grabs me to see (or try to) your perspective.

Thank you, friend, because you played a tune familiar to me in heart and you made me want to cry. It seems your quite the musician! I hope, dearly, dearly to see you again!
Please never stop playing.

arm in arm; heart in hand

i dont know how, but you keep giving me more of what I shy from...

responsibility.


i dont want it. but i do.
i yearn for purpose and fulfilment and i assume it holds ties (somehow) with responsibility. something to do with taking responsibility for the carbon emissions that escape my every breath. so i'll take it, with a side of humble pie and the ample occasions to bite my swollen tongue!

i will. and you will walk with me, like you promised or i'll drop my load.
you're pouring me out, Love, pouring me out!

Shall we? it seems my heart is in your hands. if you go, i go, even if my heart despairs leaving a place or entering another. you have me in knots over myself, you do. but i remember
i remember
that
i love you

because love is eternal, right?

and you said
you said
that
you would never
never leave.

i heard
you say
your love would last forever
and i dont know a time you were ever never there.

at my point of breaking
you always
always
point me t'wards the sky

i found it
this time
i found it when you pulled the wool from my eyes
told me i was braver than i perceived

and now i might
might
believe you

you warm me
you warn me
i seek you
i see you

and even if i don't ever see you again
if i don't ever feel you again
if i don't ever hear you again
if you break my heart to make me better

i will, take this path.
but i pray that not be the case.

i
lo
ve
y
o
u

you make me crazy, you do!
you drive me absolutely bonkaz!

i want to report something fancy about my ridiculous week. but words elude me.

we chased jason mraz, we had a ball and a danceless 21st. what more can be said?

i like life. it's unreasonable but worthwhile, i think. i try to make it so.

i'm meant to be sleeping, even if it's only 9:24pm now. it'll put me in front for this next week. i like being in front/ahead of things, makes me feel in control. oh the deception!

people love me, and im blessed to have them. i love your way of saying things, i love your style. and i think this love we share could work. we could be friends forever!!

mmm, sleep...she calls me. gnite, loves.

ps: i like dancing and i like music. don't take either away from me.
pss: i hope your well

wahahaha!
wahahahahahaha!
i trust you!
even if i cant see, hear or feel you

i have decided, the worst feeling ive ever to encounter, is a headache. (I've yet to feel grief, never had one close enough to me dissapear for any reason *phew)
Simply a headache! Or whatever it is i get ever so rarely. The throbbing, the uneasiness, my inability to sleep easily, the weakness I feel in standing, the...pain. I don't know the difference between headaches and migraines; but my "headaches" at it's most merciful have left me thrown up once only.

I don't like having to use panadol or any sort of pain killer (I can't stand the thought of lowering my threshold for pain, believing myself to be "tough enough". I keep telling myself I will weather through it, it will pass...but it doesn't) , I am reluctant but somewhat forced to turn to the aid of a little white pallet. Last night, to my horror, I needed two.

And it still took me an excruciatingly long hour and a half to get to sleep, with the occasional groan. This is from the girl who finds easy refuge in her bed and is comforted by soft blackness within the average 5minutes flat!

I think what I hate about it [the headaches] is that the pain drives me to think selfishly. And that i couldn't really give a stuff about you while my head throbs, because...well, because I can't seem to feel anything outside my own pain. & since my brain seems to conduct everything, I guess it renders me "useless" for a time since my every fibre would revolve around the simple scream: "make it stop!".

my point?
i don't think I have one.
i just don't like headaches! or migraines, or whatever makes your head throb!

ps: quick thanks to Journey, I love you guys, thanks for the prayer, your hands kept me standing!
pss or pps: thanks to God who snuffed me out of my miserable consciousness, and woke me in beautiful morning bliss!

it's times like these, times of pain, when I remember and reappreciate the absence of it.
No pain is a blessing rather than pain is a cursed scene.

love! i do, i do.
pppss: please forgive, friend, please forgive,.

My first ever 9 letter find!
Here's to my latest achievement!
Mum was so proud!
You should've seen me! Felt like I'd just seen a centurion (and i love centurions! they eat unicorns and pegasuses for fun!)! victory plastered generously over my beaming face!
(I cannot take total credit for the other words, them were found with the help of Gracey and Shunda)

behind the house

abandoned courts
absent basketball
broken glass
jade's lost slipper

i called for Him;
He found me there

we walked away together

laugh

i apply, i take it off again.
i have just resorted to not looking at reflections of me.

instead, I've found my wit amidst laughing with and laughing at you.
you can't keep taking from me! So the more you take, the more I will laugh, because then you have less victory. Because it agitates you, it gives me satisfaction! You can take all you want, you cannot take my laughter, my joy. My hope. My love.

I see them and I'm encouraged, I hear them speak of victory, I hear them get excited about the battle and I thank the Lord Almighty I have them on my team, in my rank... and bloody but fighting fit beside me!

We laugh together, though gritted teeth and ridiculous circumstance!

This is my song in the battle
when triumph is still on it's way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
so firm on his promise I stand
-desert song; this is our God; hillsong

wahaha! I think you are insane!
;)