Mr. Wheaton! The most influencial teacher I have had...

Peter John Wheaton: 18/07/1951 - 26/01/2008

There was something beautiful about the memorial service today. I didn't cry(teared a little) , but i'm very very inspired. Mr. Wheaton! You made me feel special, and infact, you made everybody feel like your favourite! you always told me that if grades were given for personality, i'd get much better for methods than i did get. I probably didnt do you justice by the lack of effort I afforded to studying in your classes. But I'm happy where I am now, and I'm going to be a teacher, Mr. Wheaton. Hopefully with as much impact maybe even more than that which you had. You had a great sense of humour, and you cared for your classes, behind the redicules and reprimanding, your care for your class was more evident than what I noticed in any other class I had. Thank you! thank you for living life abundantly, for telling us to complain less, for showing us that regardless of your brain tumour, you weren't going down without a fight! You fought it! And you might even have been amused that when you got really sick towards the end of our year, we very nearly hated on the replacement teacher. because he didnt come close, because you were so much cooler, you gave a damn about us and he had no sense of humour.

wahaha, thank you. because you've reminded me of life, and its delicacy. And how well a good teacher can echo in the lives of influenced students. I long to be one also!

God, teach me to love... to love to teach.

my sister is beautiful. Seeing her worship is one of the most admirable sights in my world...

...and i can go to any other church and still wonder how the pretty girls stay in church,

and i might wonder if the good-looking somebody over there had anything to do with it.

i;ve got to clean my room...and my head space. it seems my thinking progresses are blocked by some superficial and prejudice entity. Beauty is fleeting unless you believe beauty is love and love is beautiful. oh and if love is eternal, could you ever take it back from someone? And if you did "take love back" did it ever exist in the first place? Because Love is eternal. Love never fails, love never stops.

And the sun's still above all the rain that's coming down.
What is weakness? How is it defined? Is it a self assessment? Is it a flaw? I read is some novel that weakness gave room for understanding...

And you were asking about aliens the yesterday, do they exist? Did God create others? If so, would it put a cap on our importance? would it make a difference in our beliefs? Would the bible be questioned? Would it make our mission statement (the great commission) any less attainable?

Maybe the sun is alive! Maybe animals have emotions! Maybe everything seems so insane now that nothing is going to make sense if we keep on assuming. Priorities are screwed up (mine in particular). Insanity is an option.
I hate how you "have to take" antidepressants everyday. I hate it. I hate how you cant get over her and its been so long. I hate how you always change the stories and i can't trust your words anymore, i always need to hear from the oposing party. I hate how you undermine her because your jealous. I hate how you make it all about you.
I hate how I'm a hypocrite.

WE KNOW SO MUCH BETTER! yet it doesnt seem to effect our approaches! My heart's apparently permanently broken, as permanent as this life is, my heart will be broken because i hate the things you do sometimes, yet I love you. And its nowhere near as heroic as God's love, because I can go about it all wrong. and i get thrown about and come out ugly. and i try to help you but i might make it worse.

im sorry.

Can we start again?
no.
but forgive me please.

Your faithfulness endures always;
the mountains fall and reason fails.

and you, calm the raging sea

and You, calm the storms in me

...again.

all i know is i'll find rest in You,
all i know, is i'll find rest is You.

I'm on a journey...to find myself.

And my vocabulary is limited, as much as my sense of music. So as the BeeGees sing "i've just got to get a message to you" through the soft speakers of this year-old laptop, i'll try begin to find the direction im in desperate need of...
(...i seem to think i'll find direction by spreading out my thoughts and trying to understand how they came to be. i hope its that easy)

This year, this year i woke up confused, a little uninformed and a little stray. Last year I knew what I was doing (mostly) or i had the confidence I'd know what to do when the time came. Like I trusted God would take me where He had the mind to. And now, do I not trust him? I do, I do. So why? Why am I so easily rocked, so easily swayed? My foundation was supposed to be Him. Why do i doubt? Why do i feel smaller? Why does my heart feel pressed and under more than just the pressure from my own life? Who am I this year? Who do i want to become? Who do you want me to become, Love?

I need you. I want to surrender, but i feel my hands wouldnt lift high enough. I want to cry if it makes me feel better, but it hasn't given me more than temporary relief (the times that i have, lately). I don't know how to unlock myself, how to empty myself again! These words i've spilled have made me more frantic because im implying a hopelessness I want no part of!
This hopelessness circles me like vultures waiting for my slightest slip
What am i meant to do? I don't know what I want. I want you, but i've said so the millions of recent times because my lips are trained to say so. I want peace, i want relief, i want to climb out of this flesh that restricts me! I want to smile more! I want not to care about beauty! I want to be selfless, that way I need not worry about the things I worry about.

i am nothing, nothing without you, Love...

...Lord.

yesternight

i was meant to be the stronger spirit...yet she reached for my hand and held it gently and i was the one who cried. Because she was still here, and was somewhat alright. i was so far away when it all happened.

It took me a whole five minutes, or maybe ten, for it to sink in. she told me and my reaction was contained in "wow". then slowly the clogs in my brain started turning and my mind began reeling. How did it go so out of control? God, what went wrong? Or what went right so that you called us back? My judgements are blurred. Who's the good guy, who's the baddie? Is life so delicate? And if i already knew it, why am i still so ignorant of the fact.

She's beautiful.

and if anyone asks why i havn't told you or why i dont intend to...
tell them: you have no idea.
because ive considered my options, maybe considered too much, but it doesn't exist.
and i wont be in quiet dispair for much longer, I will get over it beause,well because i have Him.
And they say...what they say has no impact whatsoever. unless you said it too.

I hope you learn to love outside of experience. Redletter.

i feel kinda yuck, and i have no reason to feel that way.
like this load i thought i'd eventually forget has become a lump between my throat and my lungs.

and goodnesss, who wouldve known a small spider and ally's insanely hysterical and unnerving screams would make me feel better! she made me hit her, cos she screamed and scared the heck outta me and i think the uncomfortable lump just about fell out of me, in place of my heart!

seasons be changing!
we'll soon be in love, more than before!

step to it!

HAPPY 2008

its the new year, quite amazing! yayyyy!!!
what can i say, I have to thank, well the obvious: God. For what? For being my hope, comfort, everything inbetween etc. Thank you, love, I would've never guessed the hardships I've had to experience, nor the travels and i guess, triumps through them (which were all on your part)!
I still fell short, I was again unfaithful through the year, but you forgave me...again, restored me, redeemed me. So now 2008, I give to you, hopefully I do not snatch it back for selfish desire during. Thank you, Love, I love you!

and friends....too numerous to name, yet I cannot resist!
Journey: the ones who were my 2nd family, sometimes my closer family, mostly my closest family. A few of you, I could not have held strong without you, without spilling to you the insides of me, still a little riddled yet accepted regardless. Jones, I'm both glad and sorry your gone, but your not but you are. I...cannot express how you and your brilliant spontaneous jokes made a way deep into my being! wahaha! Pasta, I love, absolutely love you like my brother! I love being a part of your bgr's, I love that you share things with me, that I, as undeserving as I am, could be of help to you. You strengthen me, and I'm glad for our bluntness! wahaha! You so funny! You might be one of the most gentlemanly guys I know! ehehe! Rob, bear bear bear! You've grown so much and stepped up to the plate so! that when we first started, I wouldnt've thought the boldness come from such a pansy! No joke, your honesty, your attemps....they give me more reason to try harder at mine! Tb, couldn't find another leader more perfect for the job that you, you've been an inspiration, and I'm glad, very glad for our friendship. You've been a comport simply through company, yet you share with me your life also, and you've been open! I trust you immensely! Thank you, thank you! Shteve, short and sweeet, you accept me, i feel very accepted by you, you make me feel special, not that the others don't. But yours is different! Gooms! Your beautiful, I'm glad you started talking! wahaha, 7months ago you wouldn't say a word! You've voice! Gift from heaven!

Stars: my brilliantly shiny special stars! Without whom, I would still be depressed! (from about 7 or more years ago, I forget!) YOU AREEE OH SO AMAZING! you light up my life! you've brightened my world! you give me hope when you encourage me, and understand me when we're all stuck in the pit together, or in the same storm though different boats! You aren't like brothers or sisters to me, your just stars! Aileeny baked beany, my favourite alien! I've proabbly said it a million times before, so i won't again, your irreplacable! Your hugely hugely respected by me, it doesnt feel like your 3 years younger, because we're on the same level. I'm sooo glad it's you I serve by in kid's min. I'm so glad its you! Your voice, its amazing to hear how it's progressed, how I hear more and more heart in you, because your heart's always growing! Josssss boogabah! you are SO wise! Your words and comforts, they always seem to hit the nail on the head! you know im soo glad it was you, as the youth leader, and still is! I'm so glad that your there, where you are, cos you can hack it! And i know your soo much stronger than you think you are! your so much bigger than you understand! your heart is HUGE! and i love you! I LOVE YOU BOTH!

and to the ones who are from no particular category:
mikee! I dunno what it is, maybe because your so so critical, or maybe because your just so different! you'll be glad to hear! wahaha, your really different to everyone I know, and your opinion is soo important to me, if i hadnt heard of a band before, I'd take your opinion of it as my own, i don't know why, I have a respect for you! I started off thinking that it was you who needed a friend, wahaha, i was wrong, you don't need me. I think I find myself bursting to tell you things just because your there and I have to tell it...and because you accept it all! Thanks a billion! I was very very wrong to judge you, your an amazing friend!
sim, thanks for sharign things with me, you don't understand how appreciative i am that you trust me that much! yet i dont feel i know you all that well, im hoping that will all change this year! Mr 95! wahahaha! Rock on! be strong, for your family! they rock too!
Al(oysius), I dunno what your doign on this list, but your kinda like a faraway older brother. That's all, we're not that close, i just cant help feeling like I can trust you immensely and you'd understand.
Yoosh! I dont know you, I want to, you also are one who I feel totally comfortable opening up with, though i dont, i havnt, like theres a strange similarity between us, though I might be imagining...
Pikkles! hello on arrow! wahaha, i like visiting you! I miss your hugs though, like before...waaay before, you were one of the only ones i'd allow, just because i felt it was alright, like you'd have that attitude "it's alright" and i felt safe, and you felt like an older bro. Hope all's well with you now!
raCh, hello, if your reading this, I love to read yours! Your difference and boldness inspires me, oh and your funky fashion!

Family....God forbid i forget!
Dad, i dont know where to start! I like you around, feels like you havent been in a month! well, maybe because its so! but i like the funny things you did, i guess i didnt totally hate the overprotectiveness, though you frustrated me. The curfews and the overstressed issues about safety! wahaha, ohh, they remind me that im loved, i like that feeling. and i guess, i hope that in 2008, I allot more time to you, because you've raised me to what i am now, and I am very grateful! Uncle Jap vented to me and Ally how much better a brother you were than Uncle James was, we didn't know what to say, but I believe him!wahahah!
Ma! Mother dearest, you are a jewel, that's the one thing I cant shake, your a jewel! Your very mother like! wahaha, you put up with all our crap! pick up after our junk! take it in stride! and though sometimes you are nasty (like all parents tend to be) your smile is soooo beautiful! so much so that i despise your sour bad-mood faces, cos they dont allow your smile, (consequently, you look 5 years older). I love you, like said a mother hold's her children's hands for a while, their hearts for a lifetime! Forgive the cliche, it just couldnt be said better!
Ally...your just there! You've always been there! and i feel that absence when your not! You've got to be the best critic in my life, goodness your vicous! you can tear me apart with one look, one sentence and you'll cut me deep! and i try not to be so affected, but i cant "immune" myself of you and your harshness, (im half afraid of you) yet im totally glad your like that! you keep me in line! You know me, you know me well, and though we dont know everything about each other you know just about everythign about my nature. And im glad to begin to know yours too! I am very very very privelegde to worship God alongside you! I like how we can understand each other SOMETIMES! wahaha! love ya! though i'd nearly never say it to you!

should I have made all that public? I've just got the best friends in the world, ehehe, I couldn't help but boast of them! They make me! It's late, I'm not tired. Its the new year! wooohooo! wahaha, thank you God!

Hope its been happy! I dont know why you read all of this...It's for me to reread later. Goodness. I'll be off!

ps: dear reader, if i did not thank you for being part of my life, im sorry, Thank You!
Kav, if your reading this, want you to know you challenge me, you really do. I love that! Want you to know of a hope, and WORK LESS for goodness sake!