I'm on a journey...to find myself.

And my vocabulary is limited, as much as my sense of music. So as the BeeGees sing "i've just got to get a message to you" through the soft speakers of this year-old laptop, i'll try begin to find the direction im in desperate need of...
(...i seem to think i'll find direction by spreading out my thoughts and trying to understand how they came to be. i hope its that easy)

This year, this year i woke up confused, a little uninformed and a little stray. Last year I knew what I was doing (mostly) or i had the confidence I'd know what to do when the time came. Like I trusted God would take me where He had the mind to. And now, do I not trust him? I do, I do. So why? Why am I so easily rocked, so easily swayed? My foundation was supposed to be Him. Why do i doubt? Why do i feel smaller? Why does my heart feel pressed and under more than just the pressure from my own life? Who am I this year? Who do i want to become? Who do you want me to become, Love?

I need you. I want to surrender, but i feel my hands wouldnt lift high enough. I want to cry if it makes me feel better, but it hasn't given me more than temporary relief (the times that i have, lately). I don't know how to unlock myself, how to empty myself again! These words i've spilled have made me more frantic because im implying a hopelessness I want no part of!
This hopelessness circles me like vultures waiting for my slightest slip
What am i meant to do? I don't know what I want. I want you, but i've said so the millions of recent times because my lips are trained to say so. I want peace, i want relief, i want to climb out of this flesh that restricts me! I want to smile more! I want not to care about beauty! I want to be selfless, that way I need not worry about the things I worry about.

i am nothing, nothing without you, Love...

...Lord.