I watch the children and observe their egocentric behavior, it is all they know. They know not of self consciousness, all they know is their needs, their comforts and themselves. And as selfish as this is in their ignorance of others, what i still watch and admire or maybe not admire but envy is their desire when uncomfortable to be comforted and the acceptance everyone else has of their whines and complaints, just because they are small, just because they are young: they are brought up and held, and whispered to and rubbed or patted while being rocked and sung to; soothed.
As unacceptable as that is at my age, socially and morally, i still want it. Am i not satisfied where i'm at? well i am very much so, but i enjoy comfort, and my comfort is in adoration and attention. And and...the world whispers this, and sometimes convinces me of such, but it is...temporal. "But that is all i need now", temporal. But i know when I am in the eternal that even the temporal is outshone.
And that there is better for me. And that there is better for them. It's up and down too much, the down isnt that down anymore, the down is now mediocre, the up is crazy exciting. Yet in mediocre there isnt even desperation. I'll talk myself out of it. Why isit i forget so often what happened so recently? Am i so blessed by consistent supernatural occurances that it is 'normal' and i take it for granted. no, i dont think im taking it for granted, i just think now it really proves that not focusing day in day out, wait, no , hour by hour is not strong enough to keep me savouring something so sweet, as eternal as it may be. Because, just because I...well maybe it's just me.
Thanx. wahaha, J-, no idea how much you guys mean to me, seeing you all is soo encouraging, where would i be without you? C, Where would i be if you had not carried me!

...and He gave,
and she gave and he gave and I have.
And pray for Ps. K, he is not as well as he could be.

Golden girl, wahaha, u bring me joyyy!!!

Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Heb13:5

and i cannot remember the words but i remember the feeling.
I'm thinking ive come close to or have committed a sin parallel to gluttony. To be comfortable at the expense of others. I let down my game, I enjoy myself and remember only at a distance sometimes what is important, like who out there needs me, like trying to save a life. And that selfishness is yet to be extinguished, i am nearly spoilt, blessed in abundance, yet the very strength of situations is a weakness in my heart. I get my way a lot. I hope that's because it in in line with the will of eternity, God's will. Lately, been slacking, and yesterday I was reminded, I was told to pray with ps. K and i did and within seconds was that overwhelmed because it was so strongly the desire of C for me to be desperate for him. He was jealous, because I would sing to him and be thinking of someone else, something else. And here, He gave example 30cm away, of a state of mind so strongly resistant to maybe all else except Him who gave.
I could feel it, i swear i needed something to humble me; i always do. I cannot seem to sustain a humble attitude.

To be loving outside of comfort zones and convenience, outside of pride, to be loving regardless...
my personal fears are small which prevent big breakthroughs, a little pathetic, so again. Let me try again.

B, sorry it took her to remind me how much you needed someone to listen, I want to be there for you again. I've been selfish. Damn, where do i start?

S, I get the hands in pockets thing now. sorry i judged you for it, idiocy in me. Its got nothing to do with it, Man judges by outward appearances but God sees the heart. I get it. I might even be doing it now.

M, you know my mind keeps wandering back to that train trip and the confronting, and yea, i do miss you, and i haven't been there and i make excuses about how you aren't either, but, it doesn't... And i don't understand you, or i do, but i cant see from your view point. and i hate how you say "I deserve..." but that's only one thing and I cant hold you to it forever... I will call you more.

P, I know you think your not that influential, but u are. I think it was 2 wednesdays ago we had a rockin' meeting, that was the one where michael full opened the wound in hopes of healing, and in p&w when he told me to go up, i did, and i don't know if you'll ever understand how much joy i felt or how encouraged i felt when i saw something at the corner of my eye and turn to see you next to me and the others up too. (and thats just one occasion of many)

Thats all thats on my mind atm...wahahaha, man i love writing it out. It helps, it reminds too because you can accurately physically refer back to it without your mind manipulating memories. sweet, loveLife.liveLove!
Thanx for how you've made me who i am.
Love ya's plenty!
ps: don't tell me its human nature because I dont believe it is a valid reason/excuse now that Jesus was human and managed to avoid all of these selfish acts. I can guarentee you He was 100% human. Nor can you tell me I am not a daughter of God.

I'm going to be unemployed as of next week onwards, because I had been telling work I wanted to finish up, I had been telling them [I had another job I assumed would be promising] for about 6 months or maybe three, but it felt like 6. and they finally got it. They've hired 2 newbies and to be fair to them work has to give them shifts, even though I never found a new job. I'm not too buggerd about loosing my job, I don't love the place, I don't hate the place. I know there is a 90% chance that I might be the clumsiest waitress in the history of PJ's. It wasn't mediocre, it was up and down, never very up but occasionally very down.

starving myself of what i want and dont need, and im stepping back
now? Now i try something new, now I'll be desperate to support my increasingly expensive lifestyle. Now I'll be more desperate for God, why? because when I find myself lacking, I turn to the most abundant source. And I'll learn, and very probably grow, possibly cut back a little and maybe find myself accumulating riches of a higher regard. Your love will never fail, your love will never fail. Now I'm learning to give, wahahah, its hard to get the ball rolling, and rolling over hurdles for that matter. And learning to take. Taking what is mine, taking what is His and taking a stand. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.
im ok with it, really! i think its better for all, but i wont say i dont miss it.
ginger beer to go! and savour the sweet.

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
but we are hidin' in a safer place
under the covers stayin' dry and warm
you give me feelin's that i adore

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

wahaha, something different, something chic-flicky. wahaha, i know, i know its weird of me, but i am still a girl, and as much as you might cringe i have an occasional tendency to act like one too. i thought this song was ace, like a move-to-the-country-and-live-like-technology-never-ruled feel, with long fields of tall grass and a cliff to the sea somewhere nearby, with a little shabby house and vintage furniture. You and me outside on the veranda sharing chilled lemon water, being comfortable on a cracked leather button sofa, its warm but its breezy and . wahaha, apparently not today. apparently 3 assignments and a stubborn printer. Apparently a watch on my left wrist with no batteries because i just feel like wearing it. Pull me back. remind me reality.

doing...
am doing at the moment.

mediocre is sinking. tonight will be better, movies with friends, im looking forward to the friends part.
dont ask me if im oke and then disappear, dont do that.
im letting of of her i think. and its not even intentional. ahh nutts. i wish i could tell you...no damn. why so swaying?

im not impressed i will get over it.

please let me know your there. why do you...

why so swaying?

WAHAAhaahahaha, you know its funny because i've been filling in numerous forms lately, and i've umm, discoverd i've been spelling my name wrong....yes i kno, a little silly. Oke, my name: Nicole Meng-Wai Fong...what i've been spelling: Nicole Meng-WEi Fong. mmmm. what can i say, i hope never to forget my name again! Now i've got to talk to voting enrolment ppl to tell them I got my name wrong. ehehe. whoops. Glad i pulled out my birth ceritifcate to be sure. wahahaha~.
dre where are you? how are you? hope to see you sometime soon!
whaha love it!
Anyway, im loving tjourney more and more. its so comfortable, its so totally accepting of me, i think. I like the people a lot, i love how God moves through us, and loves me through them. Last night was amazing, michael was really bold in what he said, wahahaha, and yea, it was a breakthrough, but maybe less of the focus on the baddies more praise to God.
leave me lonely, yet i have more that so many. thankyou
mmm, nothing. nothing. a beautiful word: nothing. it might be one of the most contradictory words for me. Nothing is so much in itself. Nothing has nothing to lose and everything to gain. I am nothing yet have before me eternity, have abundance at the word, and if not even I will never have nothing. Because of Him, because of Love. so gladly accept my contradictory nothing status. remind me if need be. I'll be seeing you! ;)

we're going to the rocks tomorrow. finally. i want to be there now actually, just rediscovering the natural and sentimental beauty of nature. relax a little perhaps or imagine, or both. maybe even get a tad of mental rest. probably an ample portion of God, hopefully a loud dish of laughs and waves. oh, oh, the good ole days....before we get old and forget, before we get too involved with the material world, Days of somewhat egocentricity, the innocent one not the ignorant one(or maybe its the same?). When we cared less about getting more, when living wasn't so expensive or when we spent less.

that's enough reminiscing...

Today? Today's going to be spent well because when I'm twentyfive i'll dream about now. Wonder if i'll still blog by then? wonder if i'll still be in touch with you. but now, now is about 4 assignments. now is about trying to negotiate later curfews and earlier holidays. now is about breaking even every week on about $50 or less; is about dreaming of my own classic car, a new job and finishing uni (now is about forgeting capital letters and sentence structure). haha! i love the now as much as i love the past and dreams of the future!
i love you! be pleased! laugh more and don't dress to impress, dress to enjoy oke? trust me or learn to! and and find what you're looking for; know what you're living for! hope your inspired ;)

IF THIS is my fight...I will do what I can, you can do the rest. Thanks.

If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve me. If you utter worthy and not worthless words, you will be my spokes[wo]man. Let this people turn to you but you must not turn to them.
I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze.
They will fight against you but will not overcome you for I am with you to rescue and save you.
Jeremiah15:19-20. I think... off the top of my head.
i dont know why I emphasis some parts over others when it is all so strong. Forever no end to His will.

whats on my mind? thoughts...or lack of it. I have something to say but i don't know what it is or how to say it. I want to spoil you with details of me and beautiful writings, but i cant now. because, because words dont come close, and as much as they do i've forgotten how to use them well.

...will not return void.

ohh and 'lol' irritates me, there cannot be another word/abbreviation/ whatever, with such a loss of meaning. laugh out loud. I've noticed people only use it when its awkward or a polite way to say "yeah so..." something boring or the like.

I've got a book besides me called The Forms of Water by Andrea Barrett, which I plan to read soon. I'm waiting for a call, but not in anticipation

and I cannnnnottt be bothered! I cannot entertain you, oke, i've done it, Im bored, so if you aren't I've much exceeded myself!