Can you seep through my skin and purify all of me?
Will you help the cracks spread faster, further?

There is nothing in me that is worth life, there is nothing in me I want to save. So permission, hereby, I give you: Love, to rewrite my heart, refresh my life. So lift high that mighty sword, the one that rings pure... and bring it down hard, upon me, with accuracy, with love. Show no mercy to my flesh. Silence my selfishness. Until you find me fitting.

A public declaration. why? For you, friends, to hold me accountable.

Don't let me stay this way.

Quickly shut me up if you hear me complaining, disrespecting, wallowing, selfish.

I can't do it alone.

Jesus. Come quickly, tear me to pieces, carve my heart til all that is left is only you.

Hey hey Mr. I-roll-my-own, will you hold my bag while i tie my laces?

Dear curiousity, i will grow my hair out when it feels right to.

I think we'll all fall into a heap of exhaustion by start of the day. You had me hold my breath as you told me of excrutiating times with no words at all. And you made me fight myself, weighing the pro's and cons, the pain against reward and it exhausted me. I know it will be worth it, but i doubt my capacity to stand the fire you plan to walk me through.

And what will become of me if you take me away?
And what will become of me if you take them away from me?

I don't know i know what im made of...i don't know....i don't know that i want to know.

Hello perilous darkness, watch me face you. Seems like we get quality time together after all.
Oh God. What is fear? Perfect love drives out all fear hey? Dear me,seems like I'm lacking.

Thank you brother, your recording did help and it reminded me of you, and i miss you. I hope all's well with you, even though you told me you felt horrid. I love you. I love you.

Goodbye comfort, don't wander too far.

today was my very first motorbike ride, compliments of Kaiwin! Ta! So from wantirna south to 2 petrol stations to St. Kilda beach! i think im hooked!

it was soooo fun! it really was! Kim got the ride back, a little to my dismay! wahahaha!

oke, who else has a bike? wait up, lemme buy a helmet, even if it does cost minimum of $200. it was fun and i feel like splurging....note to self: add to list of semi-pointless spendage, helmet. I'll be hardcore fo shiz mate!

I heard that tonight you didn't have such a good time, and I'm glad i wasnt there, i enjoy small group sunday chillin' and it appears, you guys just seem to be growing. It's not a terrible thing, just impersonal and diluted, for me anyway. Today i had a great time! and it ended small, and i feel content with my day, and i was thrilled with the company! Even if the small number fluctuated. Making 5minute friendships with a lone skater and mr greenday lookalike, who as it turns out, is a killer skater. If you were a chick, I might have worshiped you.

What happened to skating? dear skaters, if you've stopped, give me your board! I'd love not to have to spend on a quality board! wahaha, i might even get somewhere with it!

yesternight the internet went kaput! So i post yesterday's blog today. i cbb with making it colourful, the post's gone cold,publishing did justice tho

It took Marlee a pre-mature pregnancy to realise she might be in love. "Pre-mature pregnancy? Do you mean pre-mature birth?" you ask? No, I mean pre-mature pregnancy. She was not mature and ready to be pregnant before she did; she wasn't un-married, she was; and the baby was a week late. ..Yet the pregnancy was pre-mature. Why?



Because she then believed that dreams and fantasies were as cheap as lollipops (which have also felt inflation of the taxes of this crazy world) and that all she needed to do was to prepare her imagination like the laying down of the red carpet up the stairs to the life she so desired.



And if we were to go along with this illustration, as she walked up the red-carpeted steps, the high of her heel snapped just as she began to peer over the last flight of steps into wonderland and her eyes flicked up as she felt the little break below her and the fall rippled.

Til she was at the bottom of her flight, bruised and tangled in the red carpet that weaved around her helpless attempts to lessen the fall.


So, back to the story, she discovered that motherhood was not all happy chappy. In fact she began reasoning with the dreadfull stories of parents who, in frustrated madness, abused their children. Being in total empathy for the parents in such cases and identifying the parents as the victims. So where on earth did her husband fit into all this?

Dear Luke was busy cleaning the house and picking up Marlee, and trying to keep in touch with the baby that was supposedly his. While reminding dear mother that he had married the right one.


Where this story is headed is beyond me...

I just felt like making some sort of point. The original intent was to target infactuation and maybe see the difference between infactuaion and love. if there is much of a difference. Wahaha, What makes you think that there is something worth pursuing? Is it that you hardly find the oportunity to be a little more fond of just one that you figure "hey, its convenient, means i dont have to go looking later..." so you keep tabs on him/her.


But blah blah, the whole love thing annoys me, not love, the illustration of it (between man and woman). Because it seems that being joined at the hip is the easiest way to pronounce your love for each other!


Im skeptical. wahaha, perhaps because i have no experiences of "love" to relate to and i distaste the copy-catting of television projections of how ones in love should act. Though I do believe "corny" has its niche in every "relationship".


It just that...every "relationship" I observe around me (save one, off the top of my head) aren't at all impressive, apart from maybe the fact that they build on each other with enough pressure that when sick of each other, they pull away then fall to pieces.


So what's going to happen to me then? will i be forever single? Heck, i hope not, though i wouldn't chuck a fuss if i was. I just dont see the"hope" in it. i dont see the happy endings (save the one marriage that i mentioned in the previous paragraph). So that the collage in relation to finding a girlfriend/boyfriend both within and outside the walls of the church consists of distraction (of selves and surrounds), frustration, lack of accountability, favouritism, double standards (giving exceptions to the "one you love" yada yada. wahaha


What i cynic i am!

oh the irony, the voice on the other side of the telephone from the department of human services was impatient and judgemental. I suspect she was coming to the end of a long day... yet the lady from the Knox council was of lovely tone and enthusiastic assistance. So much so, that we both got quite excited. So if you call the knox council or visit it and meet with Jenny, give her my regards! She's wonderful company!

"Hi, wondering if you could help me find any orphanages in melbourne?"
"Well, there are no orphanages in melbourne, there are none in all of australia"
"Oh! Could you tell me why that is"
"I think i've explained this to you just the other day."
"No...this is my first time calling"
"well, children are either given up for adoption or foster homes"
"oh...oke, thanks"
"yes, bye"

So, there we have it. There are no orphanages in Australia, and although its not altogether a bad thing, I'm a little disheartened and all the more curious as to why the word resonates inside me. Lord, where would you have me go?

far far

this is what happens when i have an hour til the dance either sweeps me off my feet or leaves me disappointed. Oh, Yael Naim. Beautifully french. New Soul, i am.

Now, I'm left to my thoughts, knowing that i have no more time to dwell on...well, myself for the rest of the week. Or longer. And this baldness, has me seeing from a whole new world of: I'm not sure. It seems I grow some sort of boldness along with the baldness. Like, theres a heck-i-have-no-vanity-to-loose feeling that helps me keep balance closer to the edge. So life, watchit! I'm a little more carefree, perhaps careless, but carefully apathetic. I care about you yet i don't care what I do lately, i just hope i can help you find yourself.

How can you stay outside? There's a beautiful mess inside.
How can you stay outside? There's a beautiful mess inside.

Far far, there was this little girl; she was praying for something big to happen to her. Everynight she hears beautiful, strange music. Its everywhere, theres nowhere to hide. But if it fades, she begs "Oh Lord, dont take it from me, don't take it," she says "I guess I have to give it birth"

Beautiful mess inside.

A lalalalala life is wonderful!
Alalalalala life is full circle!

Its takes the one to have the other.
Jason-love-of-my-life-Mraz! You had your melbourne concert yesterday. and i was sad not to be there! I might do little dance...might, 6:30-8pm....in city....i'll bring it past mother, hopefully jig a little fitness into my 25hour day! wahahaha! oh, this crazy, crazy, crazy time! Car,perhaps summore JasonMclovinRaz and...a record player. dearest dosh, come hither!

Now has me spinning with self invited guests and low tolerance. I wanted a little break....little break from, perhaps...everything....everyone, except family. Family's the exception cos they're always there. But the mirage of a quiet night seems more and more delusional. And maybe I'm to blame seeing as i busy myself up to eternity's end (or so it seems). And i can't say no. well maybe i've said no a few times and feel oblidged to say yes now...and im flustered because its hot, and frustrated that i had to use my call credits to organise something i didnt want to...its soo silly.

Oh, and i can predict getting calls from yet summore uninvited guests who ask where the party's at. Or else feel bitter and left out as if it was intentional. heck. i didnt want to invite anyone. heck, i want my selfish alone time...don't make me crave it so that it seeps through and contaminates everything i worked hard to build and purify.

wahahaha. Oh look who's throwing a hissy!! God, you make everything beautiful!
God,God, God. Oh my,dear dear love. Please bear with me. I hope not to taint your beautiful name. i need you. period. now especially. ohh...ahhh...

much better.
Thanks, Love.

My Love;my Cornerstone;my Hope;my Friend (in the purest and truest meaning of the word).
you have me sighing all over the place, i love you! Beautiful,beautiful Lord.
don't ever leave me.
...ahhhhh..
silly comment, but i feel clingy, and i know you never will
...ahhhhhhh!
so this is love?
So for this moment in time, i'll sleep in the light, warm marshmellow cloud of ..ahhh... and let you serenade me with hopes and dreams and.. yes, follow you through perilous darkness, but later. mmm.
wahaha! i trust you.

i knew i'd be letting go a little, and a lot. But i didn't think the green monster would be nipping at my heels so. And i know things have got to change...but when i hear that you've hung out and i never knew, and that now it seems im never invited...i whince. i fear she will replace me, and maybe so...
i told you i missed hanging and how it was because i didnt have time nowadays, but i didn't think it fair to comment on how you never tell me anymore. so it hurts, like it always does when you loosen your grip on the friendships you used to grip so tightly.

all i know is that im not meant to spend so much time with you, but i didn't think it'd be so hard...not hard...just a little saddening. I thought i'd be the one saying "nah, I can't hang out today" but it seems im the one looking back forlornly wondering what it is i did to take me off your invite list.

Yes Lord, I'll have another helping of that humble pie. I know its good for me...

the beach was fun! as short lived as it was!

im so excited! excuse that it overwhelmes me to exhaustion! That the end result appears quite tired...but really, i am excited, about the days to come, about the time such as this, about life, about getting out of comfort zone, about the successes, about never-being-alone...im excited about you! about me and you!

To my joy, the ride back looked like one of the old trains, beautifully aged and warm in welcome. Did i mention warm? To my horror, the air conditioner had forgotten how to work...


I tried opening the windows, the first two i tried i assume haven't been opened in a very long time so that the grit and old old age had the windows content with staying shut. Feeling stupid I look at the few opened windows to check i was meant to pull the windows down. I was. So I walk around and try open as many windows as i can, speaking openly that "we'll all die of suffocation" to no one in particular but knowing everyone probably agreed.


Sitting was too hot, doing anything was too hot. I refused to listen to my music because of the fear my ears might get even hotter. So i stood and faced the world from the inside of the aged train. I'd never done that before. Surprisingly the consistency of the track's heartbeat was as soothing as it was loud. And i let what little breeze decided to relieve me, do so. Then my new found freedom and cooling technique was stopped short because an acquaintance came to sit to my right. Not next to me, but diagonally opposite me so that connecting us would make the hypotenuse of the invisible triangle. So to ignore her and continue kneeling on my chair, facing out through the window would be rude; as well as stirring suspitions I had ADD, was strange or something to that tune.

Speaking of trains...

Would you buy me a train? Please?

oh, i managed to export 467mL's of blood today in record time of 11:14. Try beat me! My blood's pretty flash! what can i say? God makes no mistakes! wahahahaha! (yes, the humbling process will probably involve a bolt of lightening and the ground swallowing me up)

could we both use each other and then cancel out the potential mishap??

wahahaha! my room insists on staying untidy..

let me dance, bring on the orchestra!!

freefalling is my choice;;

i will be strong,, if you need me to be.