I walked the street, waiting for something.

The sun could no longer wait with me.

But the stars, the few uncovered by cloud or pollution, they winked at me, edging me to keep waiting.

And one, he whispered "sometimes God isn't just all you need, He's all you have... and sometimes, that just has to be enough...". The star was far and shivered in the cold night, the words he spoke only intended to remind and comfort himself, but I heard him.

I heard the hope in him.

Thank you star. The night just got warmer ;)

i can't find my flaming lips album...

i don't know why i was so affected by the news.

i don't know why half of me nearly died...
it wasn't the news, its just that part of me just lurched and wished forlornly in vain. I won't lie, i did feel the slightest pang of jealousy that you received what you did. But its gone now.
You've been so blessed, but so have I. In different ways. It's just like that. I'm glad for you!

Jesus, lets go, you and me, we'll plow through this field, trek up this mountain, we'll conquer the world! we'll sail the harshest seas, I know our adventures are only beginning. I know the love has only just begun to blossom, only just begun to mature, to strengthen through adversity, through my unfaithfulness. I've yet to "know" love. I am yet to discover you completely, will i ever?

I'd like for you to take me. I'd like for you to shape me; bring me through the fire. I'd like you to burn the images from my mind: my plans, my dreams, my aspirations, my fantasies. Because they too often get in the way of yours. I don't want to want anything outside of you. This fight is a little more horrific than i imagined. i forgot there were so many casualties. I wish....i mean, i pray that you be the one holding my hands up because I don't want my tiredness to cause others to fall. I was deceived again, the smokescreen was this world and it's "happy endings" and again, after long (too long) i remembered it is not the reality. The spiritual battle i've suddenly found myself reeled into, is frightening. Give me courage. Courage, my love. I want to fight, I want to do you proud, I want to save the people dying around me. I want to die to myself. I want life to the fullest meaning...with you.

I
don't
want
to
try
to
impress
you
.

I have a love
just and true
wish you could have it too.
I can't complain,
didn't have to earn it
have you ever known it?
to you i may not be perfect
try as i might
so faith will keep me going
hard tho the walls i hit may be
to keep a fire in me glowing
get me fuel for my passion
someone watch my way
to chase away complacency, I
want it not to stay.
to be as full as potential would have me
understand to the fullest the Lord's will to be;
me in God's presence, broken shackles and free.
.

i want to feel so in love i can't breathe properly.
too bad it's not about feelings but thank God for that!

acrobatics cont...

She knew it. It resided somewhere amongst the deep mass of her hoarded head-knowledge. Somewhere between "animals can smell fear on you so don't let them know it" and "do not hold your breath while swallowing swords because your throat will tense" was the screaming knowledge "YOU HAVE A HARNESS, YOU WILL NOT DIE IF YOU JUMP".

Damnit. Why are my legs still composed of only jelly? Jump damnit! I can do this!

The ground seemed to shift beneath her every time she looked down. Her depth perception was deceiving her, she knew it was exaggerated (or was she actually that high?). What did it matter? She had a harness! She could not fall! Oh how she longed in early days to gracefully continue her beautiful heritage of acrobatics.

Father, Ric Ses-Thujs, how isit you did it? How is it I cannot?

It wasn't as if she didn't enjoy it, it was exhilarating to say the least! She could not take her eyes off the others when they performed their flying series. She never felt like she ever had a full breath when she was in the air yet it was the most satisfying moments she could imagine. It was freedom. It was in her blood... she was just yet to discover her ability. She wasn't hopeless. She knew it, her practices were well choreographed. But somehow, when push came to shove, in the performances that mattered she found herself shaken and insecure.

Damnit, why are there so many people ready to criticize?

And she hated how she brought shame to the family name, she beamed with pride when in the arms of her father, the great Acrobat Bravura, and when in the company of her grandfather, Dor Gold. She loved their work, their success, their belief, their strength, their confidence and authority over gravity. She'd seek their guidance on a frequent basis, although she knew she could've done so more often. Yet they had patience with her, they believed in her and that somehow...somehow, she too would be a great acrobat! However, she received many 'firm' words, firm but spoken out of a sometimes invisible love.

She practiced, and began taking on not only the movements but the standings her father taught her. One, vital standing, she had spent about 4 years trying to master. The perception of the crowd. The crowd did not consist of critics (although it very often seemed that way) but of willing acrobat-to-bes and novices who needed to observe to learn the techniques of the routines she performed.

23# Example and understanding come before the constructing of action and mastering of movement.

Thus she was not obligated for perfection to avoid scrutiny and criticism, but excellence was required in that the on lookers needed as accurate an example as possible to construct and connect technique with reason. The perception of the crowd affected very easily Kifonn-Kig's performance as fearing the crowd gave focus on what not to do, as opposed to seeing the crowd as novices needing teaching; giving focus on what to do right.

...
Another vital, she could not do acrobatics for herself alone; for all who persisted as such did not live happily ever after. Selfishness in the art of acrobatics which purposed to share and continue entertainment and enjoyment would either destroy the circus or the acrobat. One-man-teams were the fear of every circus, none could get by without the unity of each circus actor and conductor. She felt passionate to teach the younger onlookers anyway. She yearned to share her joy with them, demonstrate the freedom acrobatics gave her and how they too could further their skills through the art! She could not abandon her circus anyhow, with encouragement, cheer and joy they had spurred her on and she could recall many a time she was swayed from giving up.

(Wahahaha, i think structure and consistency are in lack this time! again, exhaustion tires my thoughts and fingers. G'night.)

He was historically known as the Acrobat Bravura. His nic-name, derived from a headline that stuck. Every circus from conductor, director to clown and monkey knew of him. He was the controversy of acrobatics. Depending on the politics of each traveling circus, his name commanded either utter respect and loyalty or despise and offense.

His name was Ric Ses-Thujs. An unusual name. Nobody could confidently know his heritage. He was very much a mystery.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

See the "Father of Acrobatics" was a magnificent acrobat! One of his many circus names was Dor Gold. It was rumoured he could evaluate any move in his mind, see it as an imprint that would be mentally taught to every fibre of his body, then do it successfully. Fearlessly. He began the movement of entertainment we are now familiar with: called "acrobatics". He floated to and fro around the world trying to teach people the art of acrobatics. He would choose certain people of apparent "lacking" but saw deeper into potential that the circus directors and conductors couldn't and made splendid acrobatics out of all whom he taught. Every disciple of his had at least one season of glory until one weakness or another exhausted their ability and overwhelmed their success.

It was clear, after numerous disciples, Dor Gold's wish was for an heir to continue the name of acrobatics: clear, concise with perfection. This was widely known, and speculation circulated around the country and further to the world that Dor Gold had had a son. Hopes were high and the world held it's breath.

Apparently there was a young adolescent girl who's pedantic perfectionist nature concerning her acrobatics delighted Gold and he took her and guided her way. She soon conceived a son. Gold began teaching his son as soon as he entered the world, the art of acrobatics. The media chased them as did obsessive followers. His son grew till about 13 until disappearing. Record of him was a trickle and interest was lost

...until he returned again at the impossible age of 30. A sturdy, fit and handsome man simply walked into a circus and claimed to be the son of Dor Gold. His name was Ric Ses-Thujs. An unusual name. Nobody could confidently know his heritage. He was very much a mystery.

But he came with the confidence and fearlessness that could only be identified with that of Dor Gold's! He traveled from circus to circus performing magnificent stunts and unbelievable feats that wowed the crowd, and before long he had created a fast growing fan-base. But with his fast popularity brewed jealousy which bloomed into hate and despise. Other acrobats, previously thought of as amazing, were now behind thoughts of Ric Ses-Thujs. They grew cold and gathered to plan for his demise.

To cut this story short, they (the jealous lot) crafted a shifty plan that eventually trapped Ric into leaving. But not without the last superb, brilliantly dazzling, death defying performance the world had ever witnessed. The performance responsible for the headline 'Acrobat Bravura' which stuck. It was talked about for years, and still circulates to this day, the act which changed the world!

But wait! the legacy didn't stop there. You see, Ric Ses-Thujs was not without children either.

I will briefly mention one. Her name: Kifonn-Kig. Because she was a direct line from the brilliant 'Acrobat Bravura' she was not given much leeway for mistakes. Yet she made many. She and a few other siblings were actually shaming the family name. It had no shadow on Ric's name because he had proved himself to the world, the world just didn't understand how his children were not sufficiently acrobatically savvy! And why a good percentage of his children were half afraid of heights! This trend was shaming the family name!

excuse me, the story just got exhausted. i would continue but my thoughts are consumed by yawns and heavy blinking. You do the math.

a day late: yesterday's account of minding my own business

I was waiting for the train.
I saw him near.
I saw him, without shame, plunge his hand into the open black bagged bin between us and triumphantly retrieve an upright can of coke. He picked off the little bit of fluff sitting lightly on the top of the can, gave it a little shake weighing his small victory and thrust his head back, thirstily guzzling the liquid jewel. Five seconds later, a satisfied "Aaahhh!".

I saw him gratefully return the favour, with a gentle toss and smile.

He was unusual. Clearly different. Yet I could find no definition for "poor" on him. His clothes weren't tattered or dirty on passing glances, neither was his face. He couldn't have been much older than me. I guessed fifteen or seventeen, he didn't look local. Asian, reasonably small build, childish look. Carefree.

I was intrigued. Did he crave the coke? Or a drink? Did he not know of hygiene? Or did he not care?

And I watched him walk away as I position my headphones to allow clouds of light, warm blue and lonely music stream into my mind. I contemplated asking him if he was hungry...I had snacks I didn't mind parting with. I didn't ask. He walked away, wearing his self-achieved smile.

And I wasn't sure which I was more concerned about: him and his whereabouts in life or me and my absence of remorse following the easy decision to take no action.

I still don't know.

What is the line between minding my own business and acting on a limb? I don't like minding my own business, but i use it as an excuse many a time. I don't know why..

i wonder...

i wonder...

is it better to be

a stranger to a lonely place

or

no stranger to a lonely place?

i wonder...

it is better to watch a war from a television screen

or

watch from 200meters away, as gunfire rallies deafen you?

i wonder...

is it better to have children taken from you, by any definition

or

to be infertile and to have never had children?

i wonder...

why the world waits to be solved

and why we wait for the world to be ready enough to be solved?

wonder why we need a reason to let someone know we love them.
wonder why how we choose the people we openly demonstrate love to.

i wonder if you love me?
it wouldn't stop me loving you.

He beckoned me with an open hand
Outstretched and calm in reassurance
I accepted the offer and simultaneous demand
that was afforded with such ambition.

Say I to he "We'll escape into nature,
we'll live off the streams and by berries be enticed.
We would away with superficial and material
Imagine! Now don't you think that it'd be nice.?"

In reply he spoke and covered my thoughtless words
"You know jolly well we can't just disappear"
And i did and my unprocessed thoughts of escape: deferred.
We walked into alleyways unexplored 'cept by Fear
So i huffed and I puffed as we ran through the darkness
and stayed very still while the black it enclosed us.
Or perhaps twas my eyes tightly shut to avoid
the menacing mystery of the lurking abroad.

And on "RUN" we both bolted, my legs quickly swimming
to find surface beneath me
My ears deafly ringing.
And the freedom we found from the light that relieved us
was laughter and singing and ear to ear beaming.

We collapsed in a heap of new found fondness
of the hope of the sunlight;
And a new found boldness.
From the darkness, we remembered the smirk both had birthed
from the knowledge that friendship forged strongly had it's perks.

And the rain that began its drumming gradually quicker
prepared for the thunder that soon would be rolled
and we shot each other a quick glance and deeply
breathed in the excitement of another challenge; enthralled.

So we'll rock this stupid world
and we'll drop it's mortal mold.
we'll be Captors of untold dreams
and release joy from split seams.