wish you were here, ex oh ex oh.

My inaccurate thermometer points its fluro yellow finger to 25. I'm quite certain it's about 3 degrees higher than accurate, so I would believe it was 22 degrees in the kitchen at present. The house is empty, save me. The fridge hums a straight B note while the washing machine gargles and digests the dark clothes. Today sighs "indoor tranquility" while outside maintains the alter ego of a tempestuous siren, who who lure out the unsuspecting eager to enjoy a day prancing outside, only to get heavily burned and smitten with exhaustion and probably dehydration.

My gown-ish, dress-ish horizontally striped deep blue and white pajamas, I don't plan to change out of today unless somebody calls me to. I drove my cousin to the station this morning in them and they didn't have a detrimental effect on the world so I decided that comfort, today will be my abyss.

I wish you were here now. I just want to...be, just be and not do anything at the moment but just be...with you. But I won't today, so instead I'll see God for lunch and we'll have chats instead!

The tune I'm totally charmed by right now is Jet's "She's A Genius". There's something about the exclamation of the label "Genius" that just allows the receiver of the compliment to walk on sunshine. One day I'll be a genius, to at least one other person...(one could only hope).


Happy day chumps, we'll make today a better-than-yesterday!

ps: should I go to oaks day? and spend $50-70? and get sunburnt with the uni girls?

799

There's nothing like a light reprimand from an omnipresent God to reiterate how purposeful and intention-careful one must be when trying to be a salty representation of said God.

It was my idea to go to the beach. It was also my idea to drive a heck of a lot this week. It was my idea to offer lifts to who-ever in my last week of uni. My intention, I thought, was to be helpful to others, to use these opportunities to spread a little bit of love.

Alas, to my horror, my intentions were intertwined with selfish underlining. So today, in graceful nudges, the God -whom I love- told me to bite my tongue and stop complaining. He asked again who I was really doing what I was doing for. And finally asked if I wanted the words I say to have little meaning and to be in lines of irrational or throwaway-lack-of-authenticity patterns.

I didn't like my attitude. I still sort of don't.
I was, however, satisfied with this conviction and felt relieved by the truth of the wise, wise spirit who resides within me.

Thank God for God...
& beaches, & tie-dye skies in spring sunsets.

from my birthday 08 until now: these were the thoughts that weren't published. But the old me fascinates me and maybe you so i'll publish them now.

1/5/08
your beauty is beyond me!
and the day's been...interesting, all events aside. I was blessed a little more than usual today, materials and materials placed in front of me, things worth value in this world and laughable matters that would usually entertain me...so here, heres to another year, heres to the realisation that nothing is of worth to be aside from your love. To the yearning for something eventful to happen, because you make my world

10/05/08
i'll have the isolated dish, thanks

So it appears my appetite has dropped, or my freedom to afford it has anyway. No, not the money, though it does seem to have a way of disappearing unexpectedly. However, my hunger to learn about Love and the infinite definitions that we define it by has upped in its own ante. It seems...nothing is as it seems. Oh the cliche has captured me today. And i go through experiences where i want to be annoyed and cannot remove my peace of mind or the weak but permanent smile. OR i want to be happy but i cannot un-furrow my brow and the smile seems to fall off like an un-sticky sticker.

So, you told me, a whisper ago that you

23/05/08
Depresso Espresso now now, why get all resentful and disapointed.
Generation Y, my dear generation. you never fail to break my heart and make me feel it is acceptable to feel broken. But it's not oke. it's not oke. You're not oke.
Your too quickly disheartened and too quickly accepted for it.

29/05/08
i didnt understand today.
It was like everything that needed to be done exploded in a mushroom cloud.

1/06/08
i think home has felt my absence of late. i dont like being home to process the thoughts that bother me. so i disapear to somebody else's home. it is an easy procrastination. Plus, i enjoy the company of my friends.

09/07/08
congratulations on making it thus far!
I was actually in search of intelligent conversation and your name sprung to mind!

14/07/08
in all honesty
i think ive begun to feel my personal space a little crowded.
and i love yoru company, i just think i might've overdosed myself a little.

17/07/08
it was still about me

24/07/08
i wanted to do it. myself.

7/08/08
think im loosing my mind

what more can i add?
i might be loosing my calm also...

7/08/08
i want to close my eyes and not say a word in the safety of your embrace, with only the request "wake me when it's over".

07/09/08
75%

YEAH WELL...what can i say?
doubts happen.

11/09/08
They all mentioned their dues, the entire time he was hardly listening. One by one, stating something or other about why they were there. It was all a fog, he couldn't care about their concerns and successes, he didn't have the capacity to. All too quickly the talk came to settle on him, and the murmurs of the room subsided into a suitably eerie culture as he took the floor.

Nausea was not far from him.
"Hi, I am...new here."

"Haha! Hi New Here!" "What's your name!" "Name buddy!" The chorus of taints kept his walls up.

"It doesn't matter. I'm here now but I won't be for long. I'm just here, at rock bottom to find out what's holding me back"

"I've got the answer for you! NOTHING. You fell by your own accord and weak devices...like the rest of us"

He wanted to hit her but she was already at the same pathetic place he was and some sort of truth came from her putrid lips.

09/10/08
One more, she is a liar

13/10/08
I'm no local from this dark place, just passing through.
Just so happens today sits on the more beautiful scale of life.

15/10/08
he said "i love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning"
i thought about it, then agreed.

3/12/08
The want wishfully list:
-Joy in my Job for January.
-Fun and friends in the freedom of February till uni starts up again.
-A Routine to march strongly

16/01/09
all anyone needs to know is that what we do is worthwhile

22/01/09
This idiotic desire for senseless adoration gnaws at me. Just to be spoilt by someone(s) I could forget soon after and call upon only at will. I want to waste time, precious as is. I want not to care, to be the unrequited lover. So I believe it a blessing in disguise that there is none I hold in intimate enough regard to take advantage of this way. You lie to me and for the better, but I feel worse. Then again, feelings are like the shifting sands we insist on building upon.

14/02/09
I want to go somewhere forgotten, somewhere abandoned,
and allow escape to my frustrations through destruction.
I want to scream. Your lies are caught inside my head.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
It's funny now, I feel like the tide is more unpredictable and considerably more extreme than...I forget.

I hate what if's. Wishful thinking at it's most desperate.

20/03/09
My fingers want to type out stories but my head can't keep up.
I'm seeing my best friend today. She's something special.
It's funny how I call her my best friend now. We don't have to be close, and she'd still be it, but we are...occasionally.

28/05/09
I still wonder occassionally what would happen when love happens.

08/06/09
Guess I'll give it a try.
Can't loose no more time it's now or never

I tried to remember who I used to be.
I can't carry on like this I will lose my friends

Don't say that you have given up on me.
LOVE? COME BACK AND PROTECT THIS

I see them coming. Mediocrity and Melancholy

Forgive me Father, I know not what I do.

Yes...having sobered from my self-despise slash frustration slash forgotten security slash blind selfishness, I now see strikingly clearer. The dust my own feet kicked up has somewhat settled and I've begun to see the mess in bitesize and chewable chunks. None of any of my solutions (hopefully long-term and routine) have anything to do with anybody else. It's all on my head. This here child is wanting to grow up.

I'm sort of ashamed of the fits I throw, my implosions of senseless bitterness, my excuses to abuse my body (yes, I've acknowledged over-eating and emotional eating as self-inflicted harm and although somewhat amusing, utterly stupid and too influential of my daily handling), my obvious negligence regarding friends with the excuse that "they started it!" and finally, my semi-devotion (the much loathed, luke-warmth) to God. All of the above, I'm attempting to "fix" for the umteenth time in my hopes of being a better person, in my hopes of meaning what I say, and walking as I boast.

Heck, I'm a billboard for Christianity and I'd hate to think that I might so much as project a crumb of anything contrary to the agape love, passionate justice and absolute truth that God is. But who am I fooling? I'm nowhere near the sort of Christian standard that Jesus illustrated in his many parables and teachings.

So I'll sweep everything off the table and try and try and try again. Because we only live once and because my life is but a breath. But a breath, let me be one most refreshing. Start again, I have nobody to blame. Moth Teresa and Helen Keller (just to name a couple) didn't blame anyone. They probably had less means than I (save the strength from their depths) to change the world and ripple such a violent recoil into poverty's unequivocal hold on mankind- that continues to inspire many a hopeful also to wage war on selfishnes-, that silences my complaints. As mentioned by the mentor, in the grand scheme of things, how petty are these complaints...really. Go and dig up gold in the friends whose elbows are driven sharp into your side - yeah, go and get over yourself.

But a breath. No more, no less.
...I say all this now and I'm sure I sound very brave, but I...yeah, have no idea.

oh, do i make you sick too?

I've wasted so much time today, hopefully I can go to church in 45minutes and feel better about myself, the world and this wasted time. But now that I've said it like that...my feel-good hopes will probably evade me. I shame Christianity, don't I? I'll say sorry now and mean it later.

What are you doing, Nicole? You're getting fat.
Oh shut up ya face is ugly.
So BiPolar right now.
You're beautiful. Bite me.

don't be late now, don't you die

So you walk the stage, come to the mic, close you eyes while the drummer hits the sticks and although only four times, each one deafens your consciousness. The song's started, you don't know the words yet, but they'll come. You'll rock for the few who think you're worth the dime, worth the time. And you've never felt so unprepared in your life that you clench your teeth to keep down the bile. You can't be weak now, you can't give up now, and it's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with not letting them down. They're all watching, you can't let them down. If you screw it up, make it a fantastic screw-up. If the words don't come, sing the most incredible inaudible song that nobody can remember not understanding.

I don't know what I'm doing. But Heck, suck it up and play it by ear. Try to predict and prepare as much as possible, but don't be a selfish, lazy twig. They need you now. They need you now.

They need me now.

I need them now. (one, two, three, four)

To Whom It May Concern

I've never known a beauty as vibrant as the life you live
You inspire me with your generosity that in poverty, still gives
Regardless of heartache, you'd still find reason to sing
In despair, your entire life to Christ you'd bring

To those in my life who continue to teach me how to love, how to love unconditionally. To those examples of humility, faith and generousity who although human, hardly waver. For those who seldom give up and only do so to the Lord. Thank you for hoping in me. Thank you for praying. That you for investing. Thank you for your love. Thank you for living a life greater than yourselves. Thank you for your dissatisfaction with present life, thank you for being angry about injustice. Did I tell you I'd be honoured to be just a snippet of all of you?

Love much, your secret (not so secret) admirer.

Faith in its fullness.

This year's ambitions have hardly manifested from spoken into being. The two words I have seem to have trouble understanding are partway lodged in my throat and make swallowing everything else a little uncomfortable since those two themselves haven't been properly digested.

Faith & faithfulness.
Faith: being sure of things hoped for and certain of things unseen.
Faithfulness: sticking with it.

My latest complaint was that my university studies were a hindrence to me (yes, the maturity in that statement is overwhelming). Then, revert I back to memories of cartoon heros of my childhood who saved the world as masked crusaders but who never neglected to do their homework...

I want to be a hero. I really do. I want so much to gallop upon gleaming horse, with cape flapping in the wind to my world in destress. To defend those I love, bandage their wounds, give them souvenier of strength in which to later use in their own defence, etc and so forth.

But it starts with this essay...strangely enough. With the two more essays of pressing urgency following it. It probably doesn't make sense to you, it hardly makes sense to me. But being faithful in the little things means being faithful in the things that mean little to you...like the three 2000word essays to ensure I don't fail university and I do graduate as a teacher and I then go on to rocking the world the way I know I'm supposed to.

The end.