from my birthday 08 until now: these were the thoughts that weren't published. But the old me fascinates me and maybe you so i'll publish them now.

1/5/08
your beauty is beyond me!
and the day's been...interesting, all events aside. I was blessed a little more than usual today, materials and materials placed in front of me, things worth value in this world and laughable matters that would usually entertain me...so here, heres to another year, heres to the realisation that nothing is of worth to be aside from your love. To the yearning for something eventful to happen, because you make my world

10/05/08
i'll have the isolated dish, thanks

So it appears my appetite has dropped, or my freedom to afford it has anyway. No, not the money, though it does seem to have a way of disappearing unexpectedly. However, my hunger to learn about Love and the infinite definitions that we define it by has upped in its own ante. It seems...nothing is as it seems. Oh the cliche has captured me today. And i go through experiences where i want to be annoyed and cannot remove my peace of mind or the weak but permanent smile. OR i want to be happy but i cannot un-furrow my brow and the smile seems to fall off like an un-sticky sticker.

So, you told me, a whisper ago that you

23/05/08
Depresso Espresso now now, why get all resentful and disapointed.
Generation Y, my dear generation. you never fail to break my heart and make me feel it is acceptable to feel broken. But it's not oke. it's not oke. You're not oke.
Your too quickly disheartened and too quickly accepted for it.

29/05/08
i didnt understand today.
It was like everything that needed to be done exploded in a mushroom cloud.

1/06/08
i think home has felt my absence of late. i dont like being home to process the thoughts that bother me. so i disapear to somebody else's home. it is an easy procrastination. Plus, i enjoy the company of my friends.

09/07/08
congratulations on making it thus far!
I was actually in search of intelligent conversation and your name sprung to mind!

14/07/08
in all honesty
i think ive begun to feel my personal space a little crowded.
and i love yoru company, i just think i might've overdosed myself a little.

17/07/08
it was still about me

24/07/08
i wanted to do it. myself.

7/08/08
think im loosing my mind

what more can i add?
i might be loosing my calm also...

7/08/08
i want to close my eyes and not say a word in the safety of your embrace, with only the request "wake me when it's over".

07/09/08
75%

YEAH WELL...what can i say?
doubts happen.

11/09/08
They all mentioned their dues, the entire time he was hardly listening. One by one, stating something or other about why they were there. It was all a fog, he couldn't care about their concerns and successes, he didn't have the capacity to. All too quickly the talk came to settle on him, and the murmurs of the room subsided into a suitably eerie culture as he took the floor.

Nausea was not far from him.
"Hi, I am...new here."

"Haha! Hi New Here!" "What's your name!" "Name buddy!" The chorus of taints kept his walls up.

"It doesn't matter. I'm here now but I won't be for long. I'm just here, at rock bottom to find out what's holding me back"

"I've got the answer for you! NOTHING. You fell by your own accord and weak devices...like the rest of us"

He wanted to hit her but she was already at the same pathetic place he was and some sort of truth came from her putrid lips.

09/10/08
One more, she is a liar

13/10/08
I'm no local from this dark place, just passing through.
Just so happens today sits on the more beautiful scale of life.

15/10/08
he said "i love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning"
i thought about it, then agreed.

3/12/08
The want wishfully list:
-Joy in my Job for January.
-Fun and friends in the freedom of February till uni starts up again.
-A Routine to march strongly

16/01/09
all anyone needs to know is that what we do is worthwhile

22/01/09
This idiotic desire for senseless adoration gnaws at me. Just to be spoilt by someone(s) I could forget soon after and call upon only at will. I want to waste time, precious as is. I want not to care, to be the unrequited lover. So I believe it a blessing in disguise that there is none I hold in intimate enough regard to take advantage of this way. You lie to me and for the better, but I feel worse. Then again, feelings are like the shifting sands we insist on building upon.

14/02/09
I want to go somewhere forgotten, somewhere abandoned,
and allow escape to my frustrations through destruction.
I want to scream. Your lies are caught inside my head.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
It's funny now, I feel like the tide is more unpredictable and considerably more extreme than...I forget.

I hate what if's. Wishful thinking at it's most desperate.

20/03/09
My fingers want to type out stories but my head can't keep up.
I'm seeing my best friend today. She's something special.
It's funny how I call her my best friend now. We don't have to be close, and she'd still be it, but we are...occasionally.

28/05/09
I still wonder occassionally what would happen when love happens.

08/06/09
Guess I'll give it a try.
Can't loose no more time it's now or never

I tried to remember who I used to be.
I can't carry on like this I will lose my friends

Don't say that you have given up on me.
LOVE? COME BACK AND PROTECT THIS

I see them coming. Mediocrity and Melancholy