return of the prodigal

One Republic wrote a song called Prodigal, I think it colours in the outline of my headspace brilliantly. I've been away and disconnected for a little, I can't even categorise, let alone remember in comprehensive sequence what on earth has happened since the last while - I don't even know how long it went for, only that I pray it is over. It wasn't bad, whatever it was, I just don't appreciate the fog of uncertainty and the chaos of not understanding.

Oh, a friend of mine has disappeared to Japan to begin to do the things he dreamed of...he'll be gone indefinitely. He is the strangest character, almost; and one so very rare. He is also the closest thing to loss I know. I have never lost a friend to another country for more than a few months, nor death - thank God. But now, I have a friend, close enough, to now experience missing on a consistent basis. It hasn't even been a week and I crave his company. I spent near to everyday of the last week seeing him, and now have at least another couple of years til reunion.

I also have little to amuse you with, dear reader. I have minimal fruit in which to juice inspiration from, I think this little while will be for me to observe, rather than narrate. But then again, I've said this before.

My friends are changing, my family is changing, as both individuals and as a collective, respectively.
There is no doubt in my mind that I will also.
I say with cringe that my world is about to change.

Today, I crashed

It was probably as good a day as any to crash a car. I crashed our 10year old family car at midday due to driver’s error and illegal activity. Yes... I confess with much shame: I was on my mobile phone. I think I’m just thankful as heck that my carelessness caused no harm to anybody else. I hit a pole. Did you laugh? Did you smirk? I don’t blame you. My carelessness has been a good lesson, sort of one of those occasions we speak of being “only being a matter of time”. What scares me is the curiousity had I not had to face the error of my ways today, if my sliver of conviction regarding the matter would have completely evaporated...

There’s something about the injuring of machines bigger and stronger than you that gently reminds us that being human is no guarantee of invincibility. There. It took about 3 seconds for my eyes to float to my bar of radiation (and for my left over high from the previous night of absolute euphoria) to shrivel like oysters in summer’s sun.

At the time I didn’t think I was so affected. I like to think of myself as a rather resilient and collected character. So I didn’t know how to categorise my emotions or how to recognise most of the symptoms of fear, especially as I wouldn’t usually consider them relevant hours after the incident. Because the fortunate and sheltered life of a middle-upper, living-with-parents twenty-year-old, faces minimal traumatic experiences. And this, this was small. This was no more than the excess of $900 and a week without one of four cars. I saw no casualties, I felt no pain. I only suffering the complaint that the few friends I turned to for emotional comfort/support had reason or another to... not provide sufficient shoulder. But it’s nothing I haven’t already begun to heal and forget. Every little bruise we home on the stretch of our skin fades and is forgotten, because we shed our old skin, little at a time. And forgiveness makes us stronger. I just hope I am a more discerning and understanding friend – though if I'm not, it's no surprise.

If I do have readers on this here canvas of white internet space, they are most probably my friends or people I know who are, likewise: fortunate, sheltered, middle-upper twenty-year-olds.

I want all of you not to use or even pay attention to your phones while driving, it’s dangerous. Secondly, appreciate life on my behalf. Today, I crashed, felt much more sober than I did yesterday; and as vulnerable as any human could, when realising their skins are weaker than composite metals, glass and rubber molds.

i love my God

i actually just want to sleep.
Because today was much emotional and spiritual- sprouted from little anticipation, expectation and a reluctant waking. nonsensical reasoning and lack of fluidity. tired eyes from an hour of despair and chaos and &lazy letters, missing Capitals.

the morrow brings me no hope of securing money wise. all my shifts were cancelled, save the first- which thankfully cannot be undone. but i am somewhat secure of my...self. though my body continues reacting to my torturous mutilation via junk food and fitness ban; and my positioning with different friends becomes confused. i am momentarily steady, and beautifully satisfied...and my both rich and poorness challenges the way in which i think, buy, habitual, nothing and everything.

the less sense i make tonight i intend to justify in dreams.
The night is good.

belonging.

She had lately cut down contact with half of her friends because she was confusing everyone. Now things were a little clearer, a little simpler, a little less. Now, the denial that she used to shield herself with was fast deteriorating. Her comfort circle were 2 hours and a weekend away and she was arguably alone. So, she turned up the music and danced. Her pen gliding on gingerly lined empty pages. Her lens freezing the portrait of sunlight's neglect upon her neighbourhood.

Meanwhile, the delicate pages of a historic love story called her to let go of loneliness' hand. There was only purposefulness (or lack thereof) between victory and depression. The sad song, lamented beautifully on repeat- singing hinting harmonies "...with you is where I belong"; repeatedly pressing onto memories of previous strengths, nudging her to step into puddles of courage and feel the relief of balance, of supported position, of identity.

I belong to you.
I know.
I do.

I know too well the deception of my circumstance and it's hallucination of incompleteness (I just forget). I also know that others fall victim to this loneliness and its related depression all too frequently. So I'll do what I can to counter it. I am not helpless. I am not. I belong, and you do too.

"Back off loneliness and, hello tenderness. I've been waiting for your call..."
If it rains, it is for you to dance to. If the sun shines, it is for you to bask in.
If neither, the weather was shy because you are beautiful.

strength unseen

There are multitudes of girls/women/children/people i know who face terrors daily; pain I could never imagine.

But you'd never hear it in their voice, you'd never see it in their eyes. You'd never know from their laughter that they endure growing up without a father, because a few years ago, he was the taken by tragedy.

.

So instead of being heartbroken, be inspired.

Rather than sympathising, learn and support, give and encourage.

.

They give me reason.

They smile and I can't resist.

You beauties.

my wholegrain jerk & a pinch of salt.

It's funny how things change. I never saw it coming. The guy who used to call me his favourite girl and spoil me with compliments of beauty, now can't stand the thought of me...or so it seems. I thought the last conversation we had put to rest this indignified venom that poisoned one of my best friends...or me. In anycase, we're nearly illergic to each other now.


I tried tonight. I was trying to ask (subtly and cautiously), if we could see each other this weekend, but the words stopped in my throat as his attack tore my initiative to shreds. I don't think he realised I was actually willing to say back, although everyone was going on a roadtrip because there was a chance we could have coffee or the like. I don't want to go to the roadtrip because I don't want to ruin it for him. I think he'd do better without me threatening his enjoyment. I don't think I realised before what an immature twerp he was; you are a jerk, but I love you nonetheless. I suppose you always had the potential, you always told me stories of the girls you mistreated, but I was never one of them. How the tide has turned!

Don't worry about me (not that I expect you to ever, again), I take you're insults with a grain of salt, I'll become immune to your poison - because that's how it works...one could only hope.