Dearest Thailand

I like what you've taught me and how you've taught me. Your children are beautiful and your cultures, intriguing. Suddenly my interpretation of "rich" has been altered with that image of family intimacy you've demonstrated; inspiring. Did you know that you home strangers who care much for you, if even only for 9 months. I ask you to acknowledge them, I think they tire.

You of unspoken beauty and mangly treasures, hear and live.
Your heartbreak is my reason to be here.
He loves you. He loves you.
Glory, glory. My Lord is here.

Rehab.

Here again, in this rehabilitation process I don't deserve your patience for.
Wash me out;
make me new.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I want to know that what I do is built upon truth and that you could use me.
Because I trust you. You've shaken me & you have me taken by the immeasurable measures you go to, in which you continue to prove your love for me. Regardless.

Awkward but Willing. Oh My Nine.

Apparently this year will be the hardest I've ever tasted.

In a sit down with my one of church leaders today, we had quite an intimate discussion of the things close to our hearts regarding the Children's Ministry. Of which after that hour or so, I suddenly realised that to achieve any of what we mentioned, there would be inevitable opportunities for blood, sweat and tears (somewhere between late nights and time management).

Then, during the worship session that night, I realised how many more frustrations I would have to overcome, how many more little knots I'd have to undo (mostly in myself) and how much more convincing myself to forgive would be required to even keep up with my hopes for progression.

I questioned the other little ministry I was in (as a church news reader) and began to write it off as an unnecessary burden when asked "Wouldn't it be a worthy test to put on a smile and be a face of hope when all else seems dreary? A good practice to practise. That, dear, would be worship."

After still, walking outside the church with one of my dearest friends and a new command that meant from this day he would be my leader, meant that within a tear-filled 5 minutes and a secure embrace I had given him my hundred percent and trust and support (and unsaid accountability).

Simply the memory of today is exhausting in itself. My load is impossible for me. Thus the crushing realisation that if I were to, even for a moment, try to lift this on my own, I would fail- whether just failed or miserably, fail none the less. So I anticipate this year to bring what it may. I know my nature is to occasionally become complacent, arrogant, indifferent, lazy, self-pitying or loathing or all at once sometimes; hence my little unease at knowing I will fall and my fear mostly that I may cause others to also.
Here, God, you step in. The covenant resigned today.

You, dear Lord, be my God and I faithfully will be yours...entirely.

I have no doubt that this blog will publish some unsightly writings in which I curse this year and hate it bitterly, I apologise in advance. But it will undoubtedly become the greatest progress in my life and a large advancement for God's kingdom.

On top of this, I hope to learn to love with that love they describe as unconditional. Oh, did I mention, I hope to save $7000 for a Japan trip and pass all my university subject with "honours" (Distinctions will be in order, I've never expected them before, so this shall be interesting). By the end of this I'll let you know if the sky has any limits! Wahahaha!

because that's exactly what it means

She didn't know which she preferred - not liking the presents, or the fact that they all agreed it was something she's absoutely love. So then, was it that they didn't know her well, or they didn't know she'd changed. Because she wasn't the girl she was back then; she was much different, much changed. I suppose it disheartened her because they'd travelled with her most of the way and she enjoyed the fact that perhaps she was known for who she was, deeper than the exterior. Alas, perhaps not.

Apparently now, light was to be shed where she wished could be disclosed (from herself mainly). She wasn't known very well...at all, and this heartbreak simply tempted her to prop up those walls again.

Differently, though. Now she had also learnt she held influence over others. Now, she could want more expensive things and make others believe she did. She could become like stone, and hope (in her sinking realisations) that if she was purposely hardened, that someone(s) would purposely try to reach her. This was the next trial and error experiment in line since she had opened herself up as much as she knew how, only to be crestfallen at the little her best friends knew about her.


That new record player with the broken volume dial was her. She could be known but only so quietly all of the time. Why don't you know me? Why am I here again? Darn this circumstance, we're ever more apart now, in the time I was told to hold you up. But that's how it always is. Take it in stride, let your skin toughen, and don't forget to smile. It's the most important thing.

Because a smile is hope. And as much as it feels like a lie to wear sometimes, I think it actually forces you to hope. I couldn't stop loving you. I'm just learning that to say 'I love you', requires no exchange. For me to say that means you'll never need to know me in return. There. Stick it largey on your walls, write it on your arm everyday, because Love is amazing. & you're completely worth it. My complaints come to an end this early morning because today will start wonderfully, and I'll wake up to a day worth living.

Dear me, what happened to anticipation for tomorrow? What happened to my appreciation for today? Forgive my ignorance. Goodnight wishful thinking. Good morning everything beautiful.

"I've missed much."
"I know."
"What do I do now?"
"Now, we press on."

With nervous gaze and bitten lip, she took his hand then tightened grip.
He breathed her name and whispered "Go." His words were truth with weight of gold.
Determined now again to try to leave these shackles, obey and fly.
"Don't drop me, Love, I'm heavy hearted"
"You forget to trust this flight I've charted."
So heart for heart, exchange was granted. He'd another year no doubt romance her.

I dropped my face right over Here.

This world is filled with beautiful people.
You irritate me because nothing seems to phase you, because I could attack you and you'd still remain a faithful friend. Because you hold it together so well that if I hurt you intentionally, you wouldn't fall apart. You're so much stronger than me now. I'm a little shamed to be honest.

I realised tonight in the car, amidst my confusion marbled conversation, how messed up I've become. Thank you for listening. It appears I'm tangled in everything I despise. It appears also that we're all broken together. Hope is a glimmer, yet brighter still than simply the memory I clung to previously.

I am surrounded in beautiful people. Can we do this? This love I sought after was always before me.
We can stop pretending, together. Let someone see you without your guard at least once every while, we all need the assurance who we are in our depths is known and still loved with or without the face you wear everyday.

Yet, good. Hello, oh Nine.

...and a few face slaps later I am again reminded how fragile "good" is. Good. That simple, simple word which was used to describe the creation of the world. Good.

How I had let the good I believed in become trampled upon by the lows of life. How purpose seemed fleeting- aggravating boredom into depression. Yet there was beauty in floods heading towards my city. Yet you surrounded me with opportunity to wipe the dirt from beautiful faces, as to learn that beauty was not always clean. Yet I turned from light, buried myself into The Deep until I could no longer release myself at will, but retreated simply because the weight fell that way, downwards. I had little energy and/or motivation to let be any other way.

But wait! I began this with the hope I might enlighten you. I'm not sure how it happened. Actually, most of these things I might (in any other life) shun and call "misfortune" have fallen with a thud upon my way, causing my eyes to lift to alternate means of progressing forward.

and then

I looked up and let the light meet me. I looked up and realised I had missed the sun on my face. I looked up and let my eyes connect that wonderful green kaleidoscope that laughed down the occasional leaf, from it's height of something extraordinary!

I realised, the up looked amazingly better than dirt down. That watching where my feet fell with caution, was really quite exhausting.

I gazed over my shoulder a little way back, and somehow the path I had just travelled was not the one I remembered, and I wondered in bubbles how I missed all that beauty. Suddenly colour was reintroduced to my dear despairing pupils and I don't remember the rest.

So onward marching, gawking at how ridiculously good-looking these new glasses makes everything appear. I insist you walk with me! Even before me! Because I swear you're suddenly looking more beautiful than my last recollection of you!

Dear Love, thank you.
You never lost me, you never dropped me, you always had me.
This clock seems darker, yet everything is made beautiful in its time.
Dear Love, apparently it is always your time!