Dear God, I'm gross, look away but don't leave me.

What I can't stand, is how desensitised to counterfeit value and oblivious to genuine love I've become. The instruction to be in the world and not of it has fallen like dry words, resembling autumn's open morgue of dead leaves, for me to crackle under my every hypocritical step. I want so much to be away from here. Where can you find purity in this here perverse and overtly shameful surface we momentarily dwell? My best friends are loosing theirs and the children I love part-time are trading theirs for "something cooler". My desires of late frequent passionless, purposeless, faith-weak 'things'. Love is reflected less and less in the things I do and the little I do express somehow benefits...me. My prayers are inconsistent and mostly confined to the walls of the church. My church is lovely, but attending isn't going to satisfy my spirit. The church cannot drag me into a limp relationship with an Almighty God. Having reflected on the little I do and the much I waste, my disgust of my current position has me rushing headlong into shallow pools of rash quick-fix attempts to "cure" myself, or at least, slow my fast demise into a soulfully ugly. I have to stop watching tv like I do, I have to get over these self-promoting networking sites like facebook. I need to reacquaint myself with the fear of the Lord, because I don't fear him at the moment, not nearly enough to be quaking from my stupidity and half-hearted everything. Why didn't that mission trip change me? Why didn't the testimonies I cried over make me a better person? Why do I find myself at the alter week in, week out having ruined everything I tried to re-establish within 7 days of trying? Why am I here again? Why haven't I changed anyone?

I used to wonder how Israel could have forgotten all the good that God had done for them in years, months, days...but I am no more righteous than they, I am just the same.

But I know the perfect time for change is...

tomorrow.