i'm an alien.

after dropping suz off at work at chaddy, i thought it worthwhile perusing the first batch of fresh renovations, also keeping an eye on casual vacancies in certain windows interspersed throughout the centre.

i exited totally horrified.

somehow my own reflection thrown back at me from shop windows was distorted and ugly enough. as my pace quickened, i wanted just to be invisible because of the increasing insecurity that began gnawing at my sanity. i think the safest few seconds i felt was when i visited andy at the apple store and although he was too busy, he smiled at me and i felt a little less disgusting; and when i farewelled suz and she sent a hearty "hey" with added smile my way, she too was too busy to afford me any conversation afterward. walking out, i sighed relief all the 50metres to the car, appreciating the breeze of the 3rd last winter day- thanking the outdoors for freedom from an intoxicated and greedy bubble bought with invisible money on plastic cards.

i think my accidental detox from big centres of considerable dollar value had my little exploration come like culture shock to me. i'm too poor to appreciate these now. i'm a little bit hypocrite because i still have urges to spend, though none exceeding the five dollar per item mark. i suppose my imagination made up the masses of people swirling around me with greedily glazed eyes only focused on what next to buy. i honestly felt that if i were to stay more than three hours in the place, i too would've been hypnotised by the deception that spending money and spending money with friends and family was the purpose to life.

there's a high chance i'm being an idiot or that the paranoia of sleep deprevation is consuming me.

but i'm pretty sure the place reeked of greed. i used to live like that. now i wonder what stink i would've produced, working only to accumulate enough for that "other thing" which i apparently needed so badly. i've been desensitised so long.

i have a moral delemma. i have no money and therefore need a job to support myself as it's unfair for my parents to continue providing for me when i'm twenty years old because i have expenses i committed myself to which i would irresponsibly fail to meet if not for my gracious parents. however, after this afternoon, i don't want to go back. i don't want to work in that sort of environment. eighty percent of the sales assistants in the stores i walked into thought they were better than me - i know because their smiles were plastic and their inquiries, insincere.
the shop i wouldn't mind working at is oxfam - it being fairtrade and all.

anyway - i don't want to work in retail very much anymore. i want willingly to break my ties with consumerism, materialism and all things superficial. God, save me from this.

God,
save me from this.
Amen.