from thought to type

I think I'm the biggest critic when it comes to the love between a man and a woman.

I'm also terrified of what on earth is happening everywhere around me. Such a deep sorrow has burrowed and made my heart it's home. I don't understand why. But pangs of heartbreak come in bouts every few days, sometimes at church, sometime when I'm alone. But I'm so afraid. Right now, I'm so afraid and disgustingly vulnerable. But when I feel my tear ducts well with salty water, I remember my children, whom I don't know very well. I think I'd die if something happened to any of them just because I forgot to care the past few months.

It's not good enough. My excuses, your excuses. It's not good enough. Because people are holding onto you. Because people rely on you. Because somewhere, somehow you proved you could be trusted, and someone sometime decided to hope in you, to believe in you and to give a little bit of themselves to you, for you to protect. So protect it with all you have! Because you have parts of your friends that will be destroyed if you are. You need to preserve the love, the hope, the joy that you have. You need to fight harder.

I need to live on behalf of the few friends of mine who are dying.

Somewhere in the only book I can trust, somebody wrote: Perfect love drives out all fear.
I cannot be afraid anymore. I don't have reason to. I am loved in perfect amounts. Peace.