i don't know what happened today. But i feel clean, like things are off my hands, even though i still hold onto the same responsibilities. Like ive been brainwashed or had amnesia or something. Like parts of my memory feel distant and don't connect like they should.

So I drove to my placements and was surprised by no cars i saw, save one. i knock on the door. Thought i'd come at 8am like yesterday instead of 9am. apparently they weren't open. So i drove home, i had forgotten things anyway. another 15minutes later, i still need petrol and this blanket of panic just wraps itself around me. So i scream, literally, and allow my knees to buckle under invisible pressure. I lay on my beautiful-but-dusty floating floorboards and whimper silently to the only one who could hear me and my complaints about life.

4hours later here i am. feeling like a little bolt in my mechanics snapped and somehow, miraculously, i still work. Although it is all very delicate inside me so that I cannot even assess the damage, just knowing that maybe if it weren't for the hands that hold my shape together, i shouldn't be as oke as i am.

SO here, lets toast to life and thank God we're all oke, or appear to be.
And i have that mildly amused smile that so clumsily plastered itself on my face that informs me that my tantrum had good potential of being a mental breakdown. Wahahaha, don't be concerned, I don't write here to get sympathy, but for my own reflection and maybe a little to tell those who remember i write. God's dealing with me, my mechanics will be back and working beautifully in action very soon. I'm just a little broken right now (a little broken enough to be considerably broken) and my broken mechanics disarm my ability to pretend. Thus I feel no shame in letting my state be known. I am in dire need of a savior, because i keep needing salvation. Turns out i always had him. I just forgot what he could do for me and forgot i couldn't do it myself.

They say laughter is the best medicine, oh the cliche's seem always to fit perfectly! Let me see you smile! It'd do me more good than you understand!