the convenient friend

i just wondered why I'm interested in the people I'm interested in, and why I'm friends with the friends I'm friends with.

I think, for the most part, it came down to convenience. Beginning transitional stages from acquaintance to friendship were weighed with convenience in most cases.

I also caught myself wondering how comfortable I'd feel with a boyfriend. This was followed by reprimand as my past few days indulged in much wasted time and a boyfriend would only make me feel better about wasting time, which is hardly a challenging relationship. That is my fear, that upon establishing a relationship intended for the remainder of my lifetime, comfort would become a snare, clogging the crevices otherwise intended as friction to challenge each other, iron on iron. Having witnessed my friends find a comfortable rut to settle into with a "nice" companion, with whom all things feel-good accompany, strikes me at grossly pointless.
As is, my time is my responsibility. My emotions and moods and motivations are my responsibility. If I feel like dirt, it is my responsibility to climb out of that hole; if there are frustrations and difficulties, it is mine to flesh out. However, this paves the way to another fear I abhor, that I would become a self-made person, giving rise to pride, excessive defence-mechanisms and lack of trust in other people...not to mention failure.

I can't remember ever having achieved a beautiful balance. It's as elusive as the horizon.

Wahaha, apart from this we're-all-doomed-to-the-thousand-different-ways-of-perishing lament, I've actually got to get off my hypocrisy heavy ass and begin to do work. Today, I'd like to have ticked off 25% of my second last essay, learnt how to tune and play a handful of chords on the ukulele, gone for a walk/jog, written my observations from placement, returned a library book and I wont get too ambitious with my day, not because I don't like ambition but because I don't want to fail today, because there's been too much of it lately.

ps: i hate writing about boyfriends and relationships, but it was at the tip of my fingers and the concept is very bittersweet. I'm the skeptic outside looking in, who hopes to not have to eat her words at a later date.