How?

The restlessness consumed her as she clicked her pen excessively and tried to read the pages and pages of university readings that would provide answers to the online task due in 4 hours. The mindless soapies on tv weren't providing any comfort either, the usual. And her mother's impatient snaps seemed to add to this evening's aching dullness. And the fantasies of environments she rather much inhabit tonight throbbed quietly behind her thoughts, somehow providing steam to stay awake.

She justified her procrastinations by links with apathy; the things she wasn't concerned about did not concern her, thus the lack of care and worry to act upon swiftly. She had no care for politics, for paperwork, for cleaning her room...thus the declining state of all, dramatically. Her want for a car was growing cold, as so the idea of saving.

I want to be somewhere now, I want to be somewhere making a difference. My actions will effect people, someday. The rich life I live is poorly lacking, and simplicity and priority are unorganised and confused. The footprints I leave behind me are distorted, unsatisfied and incomplete. But i know where i want to be...away from here. Let me live off love, forget about materialism, let me see a different life, let me see a different life, let me see your life. Let me forget my own.

And the thought shuddered through her, refusing comfort without action. And her mind was in protest.

Why am I taking so long, I don't even want to be here. Why must I?
But let me teach, let me go out and teach... and these remaining 3 years I lift to you. Watch me closely, it is hard to learn so slowly the things I want to do now. Qualification's are a bother, but if it is the only way into the places you will have me go...I will. It is torture, I complain. Forgive me, I am blessed.
How can I make the now pass quickly? How do I make the now something of value? How do I see the now as opportunity? How, how, how?

I digress.

Life of late has been filled with the things that once satisfied, but now I've grown. I've grown a little taller, a little fatter (thus a little heavier), a little balder, a little bolder, a little maturer, a little spiritually fatter, a little more in question, a little more cautious, a little more hatred for a little more of this world, a little less sure...
I believe there is more. Hence the things that once satisfied, do no longer.

Find me, or help me find you.
And He whispers constantly "...he was made in my image, love him" or similarly "...she was made in my image, love her". Regardless of how sickening their lifestyles may be. Regardless. Regardless. That, My Dear, is unconditional.

I long to burn the "normal" mold, throw it into the fire, and jump on prejudices that weigh me down so. To be completely bare of biases. To be naked, without the vulnerability, or the fear of. To be free. I think, that is freedom. Yet I ensnare myself, with the folly of my temptations. So help me break free, help me fight harder. My passions are smothered by lost battles.
Jesus, Jesus, I know.
I yearn. I stumble.
I hope.