being blunt

Controversy's a mess.
Rambling is of the essence as of now.

Just gonna try sound smart and try for the 4th time to talk myself out of frustration.
So what? What now? If acceptance is power and we all strive to be accepted for our individuality yet know it cannot be understood until underlayed with similarity...then are we really individual? how different can we be?

May i humour circumstance and try to control it? Is it possible? Why is it? Or isnt it?
I was compared to a crustacean resently, told i was moving into a new shell and was very vulnerable in the process. Maybe that is true. but that was just the opinion of a friend.

Opinions are funny things. We either like them or we dont, and if we havnt completely made up our mind about them, dont we usually let our judgment of the person who voiced them finish off directing our opinion of the opinion. I am making sense, but maybe you might not follow tho. Not alot of people follow me, i dont blame them really.

I dont feel like working today. but i will, out of obligation. I could quit, but i rely on my makings. By quiting i wouldnt have a consistent make and would then depend on others or more likely than the earlier perhaps trust my discipline in relation to spending. I dont like depending on others. I dont think anyone does. Is it the fear of dissapointing? Either oneself or the other? Or is it just irresponsible? Is it weak and immature? Golly i hate that. I hate the generalisations, and i generalise. Christ. Help me, huh? Oh God im so confused, no, im not confused. but i am misguided and in need.

I kinda hope nobody reads this, but i secretly hope im being heard. If you are reading this, i dont want you to judge me...me or my spirituality or who i've become or am becoming. im quite the same as i used to be, im just a professional fronter. I dont need to justify myself to you, im doing so for myself. i Dont understand why i do half the things i do, well i do, but i wish i didnt.

Emo, nope, and yes. im not cutting myself as the world's new opinion is, but i am emotional... but hey, so are you!

i am waiting for a stranger to respond. So please, talk to me...

Today's bright and sunny. ive stayed indoors, beauty is fleeting (or so they say).
Here's to as many controversies as there are people, since each of us are one.

Be seeing you soon.
Please dont dissapoint me, i hope i havnt dissapointed you.

-nikki