Mr. Wheaton! The most influencial teacher I have had...

Peter John Wheaton: 18/07/1951 - 26/01/2008

There was something beautiful about the memorial service today. I didn't cry(teared a little) , but i'm very very inspired. Mr. Wheaton! You made me feel special, and infact, you made everybody feel like your favourite! you always told me that if grades were given for personality, i'd get much better for methods than i did get. I probably didnt do you justice by the lack of effort I afforded to studying in your classes. But I'm happy where I am now, and I'm going to be a teacher, Mr. Wheaton. Hopefully with as much impact maybe even more than that which you had. You had a great sense of humour, and you cared for your classes, behind the redicules and reprimanding, your care for your class was more evident than what I noticed in any other class I had. Thank you! thank you for living life abundantly, for telling us to complain less, for showing us that regardless of your brain tumour, you weren't going down without a fight! You fought it! And you might even have been amused that when you got really sick towards the end of our year, we very nearly hated on the replacement teacher. because he didnt come close, because you were so much cooler, you gave a damn about us and he had no sense of humour.

wahaha, thank you. because you've reminded me of life, and its delicacy. And how well a good teacher can echo in the lives of influenced students. I long to be one also!

God, teach me to love... to love to teach.

my sister is beautiful. Seeing her worship is one of the most admirable sights in my world...

...and i can go to any other church and still wonder how the pretty girls stay in church,

and i might wonder if the good-looking somebody over there had anything to do with it.

i;ve got to clean my room...and my head space. it seems my thinking progresses are blocked by some superficial and prejudice entity. Beauty is fleeting unless you believe beauty is love and love is beautiful. oh and if love is eternal, could you ever take it back from someone? And if you did "take love back" did it ever exist in the first place? Because Love is eternal. Love never fails, love never stops.

And the sun's still above all the rain that's coming down.
What is weakness? How is it defined? Is it a self assessment? Is it a flaw? I read is some novel that weakness gave room for understanding...

And you were asking about aliens the yesterday, do they exist? Did God create others? If so, would it put a cap on our importance? would it make a difference in our beliefs? Would the bible be questioned? Would it make our mission statement (the great commission) any less attainable?

Maybe the sun is alive! Maybe animals have emotions! Maybe everything seems so insane now that nothing is going to make sense if we keep on assuming. Priorities are screwed up (mine in particular). Insanity is an option.
I hate how you "have to take" antidepressants everyday. I hate it. I hate how you cant get over her and its been so long. I hate how you always change the stories and i can't trust your words anymore, i always need to hear from the oposing party. I hate how you undermine her because your jealous. I hate how you make it all about you.
I hate how I'm a hypocrite.

WE KNOW SO MUCH BETTER! yet it doesnt seem to effect our approaches! My heart's apparently permanently broken, as permanent as this life is, my heart will be broken because i hate the things you do sometimes, yet I love you. And its nowhere near as heroic as God's love, because I can go about it all wrong. and i get thrown about and come out ugly. and i try to help you but i might make it worse.

im sorry.

Can we start again?
no.
but forgive me please.

Your faithfulness endures always;
the mountains fall and reason fails.

and you, calm the raging sea

and You, calm the storms in me

...again.

all i know is i'll find rest in You,
all i know, is i'll find rest is You.

I'm on a journey...to find myself.

And my vocabulary is limited, as much as my sense of music. So as the BeeGees sing "i've just got to get a message to you" through the soft speakers of this year-old laptop, i'll try begin to find the direction im in desperate need of...
(...i seem to think i'll find direction by spreading out my thoughts and trying to understand how they came to be. i hope its that easy)

This year, this year i woke up confused, a little uninformed and a little stray. Last year I knew what I was doing (mostly) or i had the confidence I'd know what to do when the time came. Like I trusted God would take me where He had the mind to. And now, do I not trust him? I do, I do. So why? Why am I so easily rocked, so easily swayed? My foundation was supposed to be Him. Why do i doubt? Why do i feel smaller? Why does my heart feel pressed and under more than just the pressure from my own life? Who am I this year? Who do i want to become? Who do you want me to become, Love?

I need you. I want to surrender, but i feel my hands wouldnt lift high enough. I want to cry if it makes me feel better, but it hasn't given me more than temporary relief (the times that i have, lately). I don't know how to unlock myself, how to empty myself again! These words i've spilled have made me more frantic because im implying a hopelessness I want no part of!
This hopelessness circles me like vultures waiting for my slightest slip
What am i meant to do? I don't know what I want. I want you, but i've said so the millions of recent times because my lips are trained to say so. I want peace, i want relief, i want to climb out of this flesh that restricts me! I want to smile more! I want not to care about beauty! I want to be selfless, that way I need not worry about the things I worry about.

i am nothing, nothing without you, Love...

...Lord.

yesternight

i was meant to be the stronger spirit...yet she reached for my hand and held it gently and i was the one who cried. Because she was still here, and was somewhat alright. i was so far away when it all happened.

It took me a whole five minutes, or maybe ten, for it to sink in. she told me and my reaction was contained in "wow". then slowly the clogs in my brain started turning and my mind began reeling. How did it go so out of control? God, what went wrong? Or what went right so that you called us back? My judgements are blurred. Who's the good guy, who's the baddie? Is life so delicate? And if i already knew it, why am i still so ignorant of the fact.

She's beautiful.

and if anyone asks why i havn't told you or why i dont intend to...
tell them: you have no idea.
because ive considered my options, maybe considered too much, but it doesn't exist.
and i wont be in quiet dispair for much longer, I will get over it beause,well because i have Him.
And they say...what they say has no impact whatsoever. unless you said it too.

I hope you learn to love outside of experience. Redletter.

i feel kinda yuck, and i have no reason to feel that way.
like this load i thought i'd eventually forget has become a lump between my throat and my lungs.

and goodnesss, who wouldve known a small spider and ally's insanely hysterical and unnerving screams would make me feel better! she made me hit her, cos she screamed and scared the heck outta me and i think the uncomfortable lump just about fell out of me, in place of my heart!

seasons be changing!
we'll soon be in love, more than before!

step to it!

HAPPY 2008

its the new year, quite amazing! yayyyy!!!
what can i say, I have to thank, well the obvious: God. For what? For being my hope, comfort, everything inbetween etc. Thank you, love, I would've never guessed the hardships I've had to experience, nor the travels and i guess, triumps through them (which were all on your part)!
I still fell short, I was again unfaithful through the year, but you forgave me...again, restored me, redeemed me. So now 2008, I give to you, hopefully I do not snatch it back for selfish desire during. Thank you, Love, I love you!

and friends....too numerous to name, yet I cannot resist!
Journey: the ones who were my 2nd family, sometimes my closer family, mostly my closest family. A few of you, I could not have held strong without you, without spilling to you the insides of me, still a little riddled yet accepted regardless. Jones, I'm both glad and sorry your gone, but your not but you are. I...cannot express how you and your brilliant spontaneous jokes made a way deep into my being! wahaha! Pasta, I love, absolutely love you like my brother! I love being a part of your bgr's, I love that you share things with me, that I, as undeserving as I am, could be of help to you. You strengthen me, and I'm glad for our bluntness! wahaha! You so funny! You might be one of the most gentlemanly guys I know! ehehe! Rob, bear bear bear! You've grown so much and stepped up to the plate so! that when we first started, I wouldnt've thought the boldness come from such a pansy! No joke, your honesty, your attemps....they give me more reason to try harder at mine! Tb, couldn't find another leader more perfect for the job that you, you've been an inspiration, and I'm glad, very glad for our friendship. You've been a comport simply through company, yet you share with me your life also, and you've been open! I trust you immensely! Thank you, thank you! Shteve, short and sweeet, you accept me, i feel very accepted by you, you make me feel special, not that the others don't. But yours is different! Gooms! Your beautiful, I'm glad you started talking! wahaha, 7months ago you wouldn't say a word! You've voice! Gift from heaven!

Stars: my brilliantly shiny special stars! Without whom, I would still be depressed! (from about 7 or more years ago, I forget!) YOU AREEE OH SO AMAZING! you light up my life! you've brightened my world! you give me hope when you encourage me, and understand me when we're all stuck in the pit together, or in the same storm though different boats! You aren't like brothers or sisters to me, your just stars! Aileeny baked beany, my favourite alien! I've proabbly said it a million times before, so i won't again, your irreplacable! Your hugely hugely respected by me, it doesnt feel like your 3 years younger, because we're on the same level. I'm sooo glad it's you I serve by in kid's min. I'm so glad its you! Your voice, its amazing to hear how it's progressed, how I hear more and more heart in you, because your heart's always growing! Josssss boogabah! you are SO wise! Your words and comforts, they always seem to hit the nail on the head! you know im soo glad it was you, as the youth leader, and still is! I'm so glad that your there, where you are, cos you can hack it! And i know your soo much stronger than you think you are! your so much bigger than you understand! your heart is HUGE! and i love you! I LOVE YOU BOTH!

and to the ones who are from no particular category:
mikee! I dunno what it is, maybe because your so so critical, or maybe because your just so different! you'll be glad to hear! wahaha, your really different to everyone I know, and your opinion is soo important to me, if i hadnt heard of a band before, I'd take your opinion of it as my own, i don't know why, I have a respect for you! I started off thinking that it was you who needed a friend, wahaha, i was wrong, you don't need me. I think I find myself bursting to tell you things just because your there and I have to tell it...and because you accept it all! Thanks a billion! I was very very wrong to judge you, your an amazing friend!
sim, thanks for sharign things with me, you don't understand how appreciative i am that you trust me that much! yet i dont feel i know you all that well, im hoping that will all change this year! Mr 95! wahahaha! Rock on! be strong, for your family! they rock too!
Al(oysius), I dunno what your doign on this list, but your kinda like a faraway older brother. That's all, we're not that close, i just cant help feeling like I can trust you immensely and you'd understand.
Yoosh! I dont know you, I want to, you also are one who I feel totally comfortable opening up with, though i dont, i havnt, like theres a strange similarity between us, though I might be imagining...
Pikkles! hello on arrow! wahaha, i like visiting you! I miss your hugs though, like before...waaay before, you were one of the only ones i'd allow, just because i felt it was alright, like you'd have that attitude "it's alright" and i felt safe, and you felt like an older bro. Hope all's well with you now!
raCh, hello, if your reading this, I love to read yours! Your difference and boldness inspires me, oh and your funky fashion!

Family....God forbid i forget!
Dad, i dont know where to start! I like you around, feels like you havent been in a month! well, maybe because its so! but i like the funny things you did, i guess i didnt totally hate the overprotectiveness, though you frustrated me. The curfews and the overstressed issues about safety! wahaha, ohh, they remind me that im loved, i like that feeling. and i guess, i hope that in 2008, I allot more time to you, because you've raised me to what i am now, and I am very grateful! Uncle Jap vented to me and Ally how much better a brother you were than Uncle James was, we didn't know what to say, but I believe him!wahahah!
Ma! Mother dearest, you are a jewel, that's the one thing I cant shake, your a jewel! Your very mother like! wahaha, you put up with all our crap! pick up after our junk! take it in stride! and though sometimes you are nasty (like all parents tend to be) your smile is soooo beautiful! so much so that i despise your sour bad-mood faces, cos they dont allow your smile, (consequently, you look 5 years older). I love you, like said a mother hold's her children's hands for a while, their hearts for a lifetime! Forgive the cliche, it just couldnt be said better!
Ally...your just there! You've always been there! and i feel that absence when your not! You've got to be the best critic in my life, goodness your vicous! you can tear me apart with one look, one sentence and you'll cut me deep! and i try not to be so affected, but i cant "immune" myself of you and your harshness, (im half afraid of you) yet im totally glad your like that! you keep me in line! You know me, you know me well, and though we dont know everything about each other you know just about everythign about my nature. And im glad to begin to know yours too! I am very very very privelegde to worship God alongside you! I like how we can understand each other SOMETIMES! wahaha! love ya! though i'd nearly never say it to you!

should I have made all that public? I've just got the best friends in the world, ehehe, I couldn't help but boast of them! They make me! It's late, I'm not tired. Its the new year! wooohooo! wahaha, thank you God!

Hope its been happy! I dont know why you read all of this...It's for me to reread later. Goodness. I'll be off!

ps: dear reader, if i did not thank you for being part of my life, im sorry, Thank You!
Kav, if your reading this, want you to know you challenge me, you really do. I love that! Want you to know of a hope, and WORK LESS for goodness sake!

I wrote a poem day before yesterday...wahaha, its very playful. I don't think i used some words correctly but hey! i had fun! It was really early in the morning, like 5am malaysian time or something, 2am aus time...the heat had woken me and I couldn't get to sleep...so here it is!

Romantic Imagination
it seems
is captured in abnormally shaped leaves
which spin as they fall
to the threshold of dreams
and float through the thoughts
spilling colour through split seams

Now continue to wonder
forget common sense
(which is not so much sense as just common)

Pick up a leaf
examine with care
or else gather them together to
throw into the air
chew on them for juices of one of a kind tastes
or stick them in your ears or nose
to hear and smell a delightful propose!
Rub them on your fingers
squish them between your toes
and discover how your phalanges learn to compose!

Now if you were to let them lay
to digest them, reject them
then wash them away,
dispise not the ones who let their leaves grow
for their hope is more than you'll ever know!

so i've bought 2 Enid Blyton's and 3 Roald Dahl's, probably two of the best authors in the world! in my world! oh, and little miss sunshine, bought that too!

Lately has been filled with wishful thinking (not the band, but the actual), and hot weather, a little bit of apathy. I didn't bring my bible, i thought i wouldnt need it for a couple of days, there, i can feel a little remorse. i need it, what was i thinking?

I don't need you. dont need you, don't need any of you. I have one, one will do, one who is definitely bigger and who will never forsake me nor disappoint me nor discourage me, though he could if he wanted. But his love for me forbids him to do so!

I still wonder how you go n Australia, still wonder if home will remember me.
It will be long til I see you again.
I wouldnt miss you if I had the option. Thanks mikee for the introduction to Ruth! i like!

I guess you could say I've been thinking...about the nature of, well, woman.
Surprised? I was. wahaha!
So there I was, on the upper deck of the double-decker, with the whole front row to myself, being awed by the sights and brilliant wonders of my wonderful God, and his creations...yea, Im quite sure it helped evaporate the grumpiness in which the morning had been initiated. And somewhere, somehow, my mind drifted (as it does) to life in the long run. Hmm, I remembered Jonah (love him!) telling me of his brother's recent proposal...and those recent jevo's had their relevances to marriage. Marriage...did i spell it right? Was it for me? Did i want it? Yes. Could i do without it? Yes. Could I be equally happy on both ends of the spectrum...Yes...methinks...

I fight it...yes i fight it. Why? I don't like generic. As if the word itself is distasteful, the thought of being 'like everybody else' makes me shiver...yet I am. I am like everybody else, apart from human physicalities, there are desires and longings that I do believe God instilled in all of us to think alike. What is my purpose? Why was I created? Am I a purposeful being? How do I reach fulfilment? If there something for me later...in life, maybe in another life? These, I am quite satisfied with, althought answers mature and make more or less sense, I am quite satisfied with these....and then there was Love...
Love itself is quite puzzling for me, not the unconditional love, which although I don't understand fully, I grasp better than that of the love between a man and woman. I have friends who I could confidently say, love me regardless. And to them, I do believe I will always love them, always, because...just because.

But the love between a man and woman...that is a puzzle and a dream.
Do I want someone? I think I do. But I don't want to. Why? Because I like the thought of being independant, it makes me feel strong and maybe a little prouder (not that i need any of these). I don't like to be dependant. I do not want to rest myself on others, because they fall short...i myself fall short, i need not others to help me with this. But then I'm caught unawares by short daydreams that maybe someone will understand me. Maybe there might be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, who would be amazed by me and someone to amaze me. I try convince myself out of it by a somewhat feminist approach...wahaha, funny hey?

And i think about it, and I do believe every female, every woman wants that. Whether they've grown up with the ideal or to have had it mature in them as life progresses. But it's not always evident. I don't think so at all. This dream of a perfect love and then family...it is a dream and a desire. Yet men, in their very capability to be the key to this dream, are destroyers of it too. Damaged dreams, experiences of damage, or hurt by man, whether on the same level or higher (eg: first love to father, teacher to president...the range is extensive and infinite), shape our opinions of man which influence our desire to have that shape of man in our lives, thus it varies.

Men consist of jerks and cheaters and abuses of all kinds, are they to blame? yes. What of their up-bringing...will it never end? and that or the ones that bring up! But also, woman, in their fantasies, high expectations or acceptance of low ones, in their up-bringing and how they are to perceive man and coorperate with him, will it be so delusive? So many extremes, so many hearts broken and the human race is hopeless! Wife who do everything for their husbands, whose respect for themselves is nothing, whose value for themselves is nothing...and then Independant wifes who dictate the lives their husbands live. Or then singles are another story!

Forget all that rediculous theory...that is my mind making senser of the matter, it is completely bias and opinionative. There are no facts here...

Me? If i do not have children...it might be a loss.
My passion for children has my desire for my own intensified that quite much more.
But thats oke...It's something I've tamed. That, and my desire to get married, is considerably less, though on hearing a lovely song I would automaticly add to my mind's list of "suitable wedding songs". wahahaha! of these, is newly descovered Josh Groban (whom I love!) "you are loved (don't give up)". That and "in her eyes" and "so she dances" he's got quite a way with words. He's got quite a voice...

Children are awesome....let me ramble, a woman's body was perfectly designed to accomodate at least another one whole human being! Isn't that amazing? I can accomodate another human being and nurture it within me and also after. So tell me what isn't to get excited about! Pain? Pain in nothing, pain is for a while, pain doesnt last...but another life. Another breath! Yes, seeing birthpains do not make me anymore than nervous. But a funny nervous. Like..."God, humans can't even come into the world without causing pain!" wahahaha. Destructable beings we are! Definately!

Did you read all of that? I'm in the airport now, heading back to KL, Malaysia from HK here...It's been good shopping. i spent a little over 250AUS, in a week, equivalent to about 1700RMB (hk) which is flipping great! I've done well...

here, im just getting my brain juices going because of the lack of opportunity with shopping. You only needa know how to bargain and convert here. The language barrier is nothing severe, yes, parents do come in handy!

I'm done...hope I didn't bore you....wonder if I made sense?

I'm going to be boring because Im at the airport with no mouse so it would be waaay to muc htrouble to make this colourful and random, (i need to deposit 100RMB and buy a drink to get a mouse, wahaha, fat chance ppl!).

Have fun in OZ!

beauty is not related to me...she does not follow me, though I try to stay in touch. Maybe I've the wrong beauty.
I try to tell myself I don't care abotu what your doing. I'm still tryna get over myself. Please don't limit our conversation...actually, i don't care. omgsh, im so outta here. something in me is hating...

...for Christmas, I'd like a cubix rube! that and a small canvas (or three), with something crazy that you've made for me yourself. I'd like to see you smile, hear you laugh and that'd be abundance for me!

God forbid i forget the real reason behind Christmas, giving and love, giving love...
i love you.