Dearest Thailand

I like what you've taught me and how you've taught me. Your children are beautiful and your cultures, intriguing. Suddenly my interpretation of "rich" has been altered with that image of family intimacy you've demonstrated; inspiring. Did you know that you home strangers who care much for you, if even only for 9 months. I ask you to acknowledge them, I think they tire.

You of unspoken beauty and mangly treasures, hear and live.
Your heartbreak is my reason to be here.
He loves you. He loves you.
Glory, glory. My Lord is here.

Rehab.

Here again, in this rehabilitation process I don't deserve your patience for.
Wash me out;
make me new.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I want to know that what I do is built upon truth and that you could use me.
Because I trust you. You've shaken me & you have me taken by the immeasurable measures you go to, in which you continue to prove your love for me. Regardless.

Awkward but Willing. Oh My Nine.

Apparently this year will be the hardest I've ever tasted.

In a sit down with my one of church leaders today, we had quite an intimate discussion of the things close to our hearts regarding the Children's Ministry. Of which after that hour or so, I suddenly realised that to achieve any of what we mentioned, there would be inevitable opportunities for blood, sweat and tears (somewhere between late nights and time management).

Then, during the worship session that night, I realised how many more frustrations I would have to overcome, how many more little knots I'd have to undo (mostly in myself) and how much more convincing myself to forgive would be required to even keep up with my hopes for progression.

I questioned the other little ministry I was in (as a church news reader) and began to write it off as an unnecessary burden when asked "Wouldn't it be a worthy test to put on a smile and be a face of hope when all else seems dreary? A good practice to practise. That, dear, would be worship."

After still, walking outside the church with one of my dearest friends and a new command that meant from this day he would be my leader, meant that within a tear-filled 5 minutes and a secure embrace I had given him my hundred percent and trust and support (and unsaid accountability).

Simply the memory of today is exhausting in itself. My load is impossible for me. Thus the crushing realisation that if I were to, even for a moment, try to lift this on my own, I would fail- whether just failed or miserably, fail none the less. So I anticipate this year to bring what it may. I know my nature is to occasionally become complacent, arrogant, indifferent, lazy, self-pitying or loathing or all at once sometimes; hence my little unease at knowing I will fall and my fear mostly that I may cause others to also.
Here, God, you step in. The covenant resigned today.

You, dear Lord, be my God and I faithfully will be yours...entirely.

I have no doubt that this blog will publish some unsightly writings in which I curse this year and hate it bitterly, I apologise in advance. But it will undoubtedly become the greatest progress in my life and a large advancement for God's kingdom.

On top of this, I hope to learn to love with that love they describe as unconditional. Oh, did I mention, I hope to save $7000 for a Japan trip and pass all my university subject with "honours" (Distinctions will be in order, I've never expected them before, so this shall be interesting). By the end of this I'll let you know if the sky has any limits! Wahahaha!

because that's exactly what it means

She didn't know which she preferred - not liking the presents, or the fact that they all agreed it was something she's absoutely love. So then, was it that they didn't know her well, or they didn't know she'd changed. Because she wasn't the girl she was back then; she was much different, much changed. I suppose it disheartened her because they'd travelled with her most of the way and she enjoyed the fact that perhaps she was known for who she was, deeper than the exterior. Alas, perhaps not.

Apparently now, light was to be shed where she wished could be disclosed (from herself mainly). She wasn't known very well...at all, and this heartbreak simply tempted her to prop up those walls again.

Differently, though. Now she had also learnt she held influence over others. Now, she could want more expensive things and make others believe she did. She could become like stone, and hope (in her sinking realisations) that if she was purposely hardened, that someone(s) would purposely try to reach her. This was the next trial and error experiment in line since she had opened herself up as much as she knew how, only to be crestfallen at the little her best friends knew about her.


That new record player with the broken volume dial was her. She could be known but only so quietly all of the time. Why don't you know me? Why am I here again? Darn this circumstance, we're ever more apart now, in the time I was told to hold you up. But that's how it always is. Take it in stride, let your skin toughen, and don't forget to smile. It's the most important thing.

Because a smile is hope. And as much as it feels like a lie to wear sometimes, I think it actually forces you to hope. I couldn't stop loving you. I'm just learning that to say 'I love you', requires no exchange. For me to say that means you'll never need to know me in return. There. Stick it largey on your walls, write it on your arm everyday, because Love is amazing. & you're completely worth it. My complaints come to an end this early morning because today will start wonderfully, and I'll wake up to a day worth living.

Dear me, what happened to anticipation for tomorrow? What happened to my appreciation for today? Forgive my ignorance. Goodnight wishful thinking. Good morning everything beautiful.

"I've missed much."
"I know."
"What do I do now?"
"Now, we press on."

With nervous gaze and bitten lip, she took his hand then tightened grip.
He breathed her name and whispered "Go." His words were truth with weight of gold.
Determined now again to try to leave these shackles, obey and fly.
"Don't drop me, Love, I'm heavy hearted"
"You forget to trust this flight I've charted."
So heart for heart, exchange was granted. He'd another year no doubt romance her.

I dropped my face right over Here.

This world is filled with beautiful people.
You irritate me because nothing seems to phase you, because I could attack you and you'd still remain a faithful friend. Because you hold it together so well that if I hurt you intentionally, you wouldn't fall apart. You're so much stronger than me now. I'm a little shamed to be honest.

I realised tonight in the car, amidst my confusion marbled conversation, how messed up I've become. Thank you for listening. It appears I'm tangled in everything I despise. It appears also that we're all broken together. Hope is a glimmer, yet brighter still than simply the memory I clung to previously.

I am surrounded in beautiful people. Can we do this? This love I sought after was always before me.
We can stop pretending, together. Let someone see you without your guard at least once every while, we all need the assurance who we are in our depths is known and still loved with or without the face you wear everyday.

Yet, good. Hello, oh Nine.

...and a few face slaps later I am again reminded how fragile "good" is. Good. That simple, simple word which was used to describe the creation of the world. Good.

How I had let the good I believed in become trampled upon by the lows of life. How purpose seemed fleeting- aggravating boredom into depression. Yet there was beauty in floods heading towards my city. Yet you surrounded me with opportunity to wipe the dirt from beautiful faces, as to learn that beauty was not always clean. Yet I turned from light, buried myself into The Deep until I could no longer release myself at will, but retreated simply because the weight fell that way, downwards. I had little energy and/or motivation to let be any other way.

But wait! I began this with the hope I might enlighten you. I'm not sure how it happened. Actually, most of these things I might (in any other life) shun and call "misfortune" have fallen with a thud upon my way, causing my eyes to lift to alternate means of progressing forward.

and then

I looked up and let the light meet me. I looked up and realised I had missed the sun on my face. I looked up and let my eyes connect that wonderful green kaleidoscope that laughed down the occasional leaf, from it's height of something extraordinary!

I realised, the up looked amazingly better than dirt down. That watching where my feet fell with caution, was really quite exhausting.

I gazed over my shoulder a little way back, and somehow the path I had just travelled was not the one I remembered, and I wondered in bubbles how I missed all that beauty. Suddenly colour was reintroduced to my dear despairing pupils and I don't remember the rest.

So onward marching, gawking at how ridiculously good-looking these new glasses makes everything appear. I insist you walk with me! Even before me! Because I swear you're suddenly looking more beautiful than my last recollection of you!

Dear Love, thank you.
You never lost me, you never dropped me, you always had me.
This clock seems darker, yet everything is made beautiful in its time.
Dear Love, apparently it is always your time!

Prepare to feast your eyes on a fresh new wardrobe! New set up! Same clothes. New fancies! Very funky! And a tad more of attempted organisation!

I smell a new year!

It won't go away.

I'm sure that if everyday you were pinpricked, your skin would eventually toughen, and your threshold for pain extend til that pinprick became nearly unnoticeable. So if these pangs you unconsciously inflict upon me do not cease, I will become less affected; more tolerant.

Becoming impartial.

I would love to write upbeats of sunshine and fond memories, but the ones we made from a time ago, remind me of you now...and I don't like you now. You're an idiot, and I've never had to try so hard to love you. I want to rip you out of pictures. Give me a chance to hurt you back. I hate what I'm becoming, eat my heart out before it gets cold.

The worst part is that you wouldn't even know you have your teeth sunk into me. I can't walk away, but I want this to go away.

Please.
Please.

Tonight I had a shocking epiphany.
It was that if I could not draw your attention to this matter by correction,
then I would very surely get your attention by being worse than you. Because I know you have a conscience, you have morals, you have values...they just need to be properly woken up, so that lines of black and white are no longer pixelated grey.

And You, sit back aghast at my new waves of darker thought protruding like a bad hair day on more frequent occasions. Yes, the idea is a little messed up, but I do believe it would be effective. Perhaps now, I'm beginning to understand how much what you do frustrates me, simply by reflecting on how low I'm willing to go just so my caution against your potential destruction would have audience.

I hate talking to brick walls, makes me feel my existence is pointless; my presence- replaceable, my fights- uninfluential...

Did I mention, I love you?

Hello and

goodbye.

We dreamed of love;
Of immeasurable potential and passion and glory and fields of green for long and wide!

We never imagined this.
Raw and vulnerable and confused and stubborn. We had not likened Truth to the sting of vinegar on grazed lips. Or Faithfulness to the clutching of dried ice.

But,
Love cannot be made as heroic as is, if not for the triumphs over adversity. For a hero is always born out of opposition, of pain and the determination to fight for the worthy cause. Thus Love is undoubtably brave (Brave, which I once read defined as "Afraid but willing to act on regardless" or something to that tune). So here's to Love. Here's to Truth.

And here's to You,

Dear and Faithful

Let me not forget the Love that keeps me here.

This dance belongs to you.

Why don't we love like we say we do?

Why don't we act, when we've words to prove?

Must muster more...

Her eyes were wide at the sight of them! The walls were lined with varnished wood grain shelves, full with large, crystal cylinders with rubber stoppers. Her lips moved subtly as she murmured, fascinated and overwhelmed by the contents of the cylinders, labelled with ancient tags.
"Hmm, this could be useful!" She spoke cheekily "I think I'll make a concoction of Patience, Enhance Listening Ability and Empathy, invite Sal over for dinner and pour it into her every dish!"
She chuckled in her growing mischief; spoiling her imagination with time to ponder the outcomes she might achieve by spiking the drinks of everybody she considered "challenging".

She walked the aisles, astonished by jade dusts, indigo grains, lilac liquids and the endless colour contained in beautifully crafted crystal capsules. She smirked over the reminders "DO NOT TOUCH". But when she was sure nobody could see her, she'd extend her hand and allow her fingers to explore the perfect cylinders, and every one she touched she thought was unique in it's craftsmanship. When in fact, the crystal cylinders were identical and no different. Therefore, her differing of the identical could only be attributed to her striving imagination. Any other 'ordinary person' would have observed each cylinder as identical and any other 'sensible person' would have observed the demand not to touch. But in her childishness (not to be despised) she found it hard to separate the realities she existed in. For she thought "surely these contents could not have been captured and contained if not within a suitable jar, suited exactly...and, and since all these very, very different contents are very, very different indeed, the jars must vary accordingly!" Ordinary sensibility was not far from her reason either. Though this is beside the point. Skip. Skip. Skip.

Ahh, this is the part.

Now that she had glazed over just about every jar, she went to sought the help of an assistant. Once found, she commented "There are many and so many of these, but I can't find the one I'm looking for. People tell me it's really hard to get." "Sure, I can help you find it. Could you describe it?"

"It's... fierce, uncontrollable, overwhelming, powerful, passionate and insisting." "Oh my, your a little, little for the one I have in mind." "No, I shouldn't be, you mustn't have the right one in mind." "Ok then, go on." "Um, it's... really strong. It's, I dunno, very smart, stra...strategy, strategic! Mm hmmmm. It tries to understand but doesn't care if it doesn't. It's really, really big. It's good at protecting and stuff. Boy, is it big!" "It is starting to sound very big indee.." "IT IS! LIKE WOW!" "This may be a problem. Do you think it's containable?" "Nahh!! It's uncontainable, 'cos I said before it's uncontrollable." "That would explain it then, we won't have it." "But you have EVERYTHING else!" "Yes, but if it's uncontainable, how could we keep it here in jars?" "Get a really BIG jar!" "Well, could it be contained even if the jar was really big?" "Ye...mm...I don't know, how big could they make jars? If it's infinity, uh, infinitely big, yes." "Are you a mystery shopper?" "Nope, what's that?" "Don't worry, but we don't, can't stock the uncontainable or uncontrollable here. You might have to try to get it yourself." "Get it myself?!...Where?" "Hmm, do you know anybody else who has it?" "I know a few people who have some, but they have only little! It takes soooo oooo oooo oooooo looooooonggg to grow! I thought, maybe I could find some here! But..." "But we don't have it. Maybe you could ask for a little bit from everybody you know who has it, then begin you grow your own." She sighed "Well, I suppose so. Thanks for your help!" "No worries, come again and visit sometime!" "I love this place! Of course I will!"

And with that, she left. However, she returned regularly to show her newly acquired shop assistant friend how her "Laufe" grew. And they shared trial and error techniques of how to make it grow more, faster and better. And they lived their lives as joyfully ever after as they knew how.
And...The end.