What's beautiful about hard rubbish day is the wonder about the treasures people refuse and the curiosity about why. Then there's the quick thinking that goes on behind hungry eyes that decides whether to or not to retrieve 'that' there, because it looks handy or you know someone who might want it. On driving back past the same spot you recently resisted, you then wonder who took it and begin to ponder upon regret. So now, it is starting to get darker and there was a chair that i saw that looked beautiful in passing, and that cried "take me! make me new!".

SO off i go! To find it! My sister accuses me of hording. I don't believe in the word! One man's trash is now to become my treasure! What's not to like about hard rubbish? It's like op shop rounds that come to your neighborhood...free!

i don't know what happened today. But i feel clean, like things are off my hands, even though i still hold onto the same responsibilities. Like ive been brainwashed or had amnesia or something. Like parts of my memory feel distant and don't connect like they should.

So I drove to my placements and was surprised by no cars i saw, save one. i knock on the door. Thought i'd come at 8am like yesterday instead of 9am. apparently they weren't open. So i drove home, i had forgotten things anyway. another 15minutes later, i still need petrol and this blanket of panic just wraps itself around me. So i scream, literally, and allow my knees to buckle under invisible pressure. I lay on my beautiful-but-dusty floating floorboards and whimper silently to the only one who could hear me and my complaints about life.

4hours later here i am. feeling like a little bolt in my mechanics snapped and somehow, miraculously, i still work. Although it is all very delicate inside me so that I cannot even assess the damage, just knowing that maybe if it weren't for the hands that hold my shape together, i shouldn't be as oke as i am.

SO here, lets toast to life and thank God we're all oke, or appear to be.
And i have that mildly amused smile that so clumsily plastered itself on my face that informs me that my tantrum had good potential of being a mental breakdown. Wahahaha, don't be concerned, I don't write here to get sympathy, but for my own reflection and maybe a little to tell those who remember i write. God's dealing with me, my mechanics will be back and working beautifully in action very soon. I'm just a little broken right now (a little broken enough to be considerably broken) and my broken mechanics disarm my ability to pretend. Thus I feel no shame in letting my state be known. I am in dire need of a savior, because i keep needing salvation. Turns out i always had him. I just forgot what he could do for me and forgot i couldn't do it myself.

They say laughter is the best medicine, oh the cliche's seem always to fit perfectly! Let me see you smile! It'd do me more good than you understand!

A cigarette and a half

The static of the day seemed to fuzz everything around me. So in my form of protest for the overly rushed day I made a sharp right from the footpath and parked myself on wooden bench after letting my 3 kilo bag of everything fall abruptly with a thud at my feet. My spine quickly forgot ideal postures and sighed in the weight of the day sagging to my left, with my head cocked likewise. I checked my watched with minimal movement and as my eyes left the ticking hands, they came upon the young lady sitting on the root of a thick and stocky tree. She saw me see her and we both looked elsewhere. But my eyes strayed again to the stranger sitting a little left off being directly opposite me 2 metres away. She held a cigarette lightly between her index and thumb and sucked from it every 12 seconds. I couldn't seem to break my trance because her movement was hypnotising me. Her addiction to the smoke made me long for a relief in my own hustle and bustle. The smoke seemed to dance in slow motion, allowing capture into the stranger's tight lips and then falling in smooth distortion out of a cave of darkness, beckoning me to follow. It was probably a whole 34 seconds that I pretended I was minding my own business and not being fascinated in the slightest by the smoke and its way of curling sofisticatedly around the young lady's well defined stature.

Then, as the shrunk white stick gave her one last satisfying heave, she dropped it and stepped on it and then, to my amusement, whipped out another. She looked at me and placed the new cigarette between her two pursed lips, fitted her hands in her jacket pockets and stood up and walked towards me, opposing the light resistance of wind and the leaves it threw at her. She nodded to the space beside me and I shock my head in reply. She sat down beside me and took her hands out of her pockets, retrieving also a scratched zippo. And in a 3 second continuous motion, she flicked out a flame and lit the new cigarette within a protective cupped hand before clamping the flame shut. She sucked long from the new one and removed it from her mouth, pausing for 4 seconds before offering me her source of comfort. I return a grateful smirk and receive the offer. My fingers numbly explored the brittle stick as the dilemma of whether to investigate the temporal comfort or not turned restlessly in my mind. So she broke my silence and spoke.

"You probably don't want to get started on one of those," her voice travelled slowly, protruding my thoughts. I look up with a hint of confusion and then resolve. "though your first won't get you hooked, your first five within a week will."
"I'll take your word for it." I replied as I sighed out my first mouthful of thin, wispy grey. Then second, and third. "I have 4 and a half til addiction then, hey?" I laugh while returning the half used comfort stick.

...

The ride home was smooth and without hiccups. But for the rest of the evening I could not separate the wretched aftertaste from my tortured taste buds.

I decided it was not the cigarette that was comforting that day, but the young lady who offered it in the kindest gesture that echoed "we're very much related, here, take my advice". Ahh, the people do only what they know, even if it doesn't work. We exchanged contacts and keep in touch every once in a while, turns out she's a reformed schizophrenic and good company.

I wanted in the wrong order.
Now? I want it to be righted.
Now I want nothing outside of you.
And everything else is worthless to me if it doesnt help them, if it doesnt bring me closer.

day 2 of my new life... i mean same life, new feeling
and i'll love again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLv1XJB9cGE

take me! im freakin' yours!
give me christmas, take me to swizerland, jasoonnnnn mraz!!

Obligated eyes glaze over the hieroglyphics that was her assignment.
Red skins are tubes of life ready on standby need the occasion arise to fight sleep.
I tell myself I love the children. I tell myself I will later.
Hunched back and heavy coat. I won't let the cold bite into my shoulders.

We will race the fire through the vineyard over the bridge and into the water.
We will laugh carelessly and hopefully.
We will make you do the same.

I will have you smiling by the end of this fling
If love could be bought everyone would take out an infinite loan with the 'love bank' because it'd be too expensive. It is too sought after. Too treasured for the cost to be affordable. The debt would consume us. Good thing we can get it for free hey? No, don't gimme all that yada yada about how much you go out of your way for your friends...your friends are on the way, there is no dramatic cost there, probably more enjoyment anyway. I cant believe the nerve of me!

Oh, hello! You look beautiful!

my only qualm right now is that i am without the freewill to change font style. (oh i lost out on the "no complaining" this week, wahahaha, but i keep trying!)

I don't like the social rule that says, if you reply too quickly, you are desperate and too eager and therefore aren't cool. Cos I do like you, and I like your company, so *duh I'd be eager to talk to you.

This assignment is teasing me, and I think I, it. So is the coffee scroll sitting in a bag at my feet.

Time has not hit me yet, i expect it to later when i realise that within 32hours this assessment is due. But i love you! I hate seeing the light leave you. I hate having to search so long trying to find that spark in your eyes. Please. Stop talking about those things. Please. Listen.

I have far to go, and though the road is extreme, equally extremely exhilarating! I hope I didn't forget to mention i love you along the way. I do. I was thinking about the impossible, which is quite impossible. But i think that tomorrow will be late, and when i need you...please be there.

I forgot to wear my earrings today. Thats two less pieces of jewelry for my itchy fingers to fiddle with.

I've got to stop forgetting the giver over the gift. Remind me.

I don't miss our getaway. I liked it, but i don't miss it.

Dyslexia cannot be "cured", it cannot be outgrown. But if at a young age, a child is taught to manage his/her strengths to compensate for weaknesses, dyslexia could become only a word, not a restriction. And the child, although spending more to achieve the same, would grow more, become more able and quicken to appear "normal"...when really, truly, out-thinking the average.
Aren't they amazing? those who live their lives climbing out of their conditions, climbing up into glory. I think it admirable of you too, when you climb out of your ditch, I know you can.

Do you realise what this is?
This life, is spinning you for the fool. Quickly, up and turn the tables!
And you see it in their eyes, that challenge that the majority have silenced because so often is it dissapointed. They whisper:
Do not hide your love from me.

sorry, what did you say?

you what me?

oh, that love word again, how does your love for me differ from theirs? it doesn't, unless accompanied by an Olympus Tough 1030SW.

there, now you know.

i want you to act upon your love for me...asap?

This latest quick crush could jump you to the top of my "best friend" list, here's why: it's a 10.1mp camera with a 3.6x zoom; waterproof to 10metres, shockproof to 2 metres, and crush proof to 100kg. Tell me your not impressed.

No siree, i've never had a digital camera before, never seen the need for it, but now... i might become a patron for crime stoppers, and take pictures of every suspicious scene and person... and laughable matter, why? not because i want a camera, because this camera wants me.

wahahaha! no, no, id probably faster settle for your statement of love in the form of consistency, wahaha, or maybe a hammock (gotta love em). Oke, here's an idea, grow me two big trees and then tie on a hammock, and bob's ya uncle! we're besties! eh heh heh...

stop playing chicken with our friendship, im waiting for you to go

oh materialistic me!

we're allowed to fantasize about the things we don't need.. riight? wahaha, oh whatever, just lemme drool.

You are my portion.
I trust you.
Joy, strength, love, peace, rest.

(wahahaha! im so much richer than i understand)

How?

The restlessness consumed her as she clicked her pen excessively and tried to read the pages and pages of university readings that would provide answers to the online task due in 4 hours. The mindless soapies on tv weren't providing any comfort either, the usual. And her mother's impatient snaps seemed to add to this evening's aching dullness. And the fantasies of environments she rather much inhabit tonight throbbed quietly behind her thoughts, somehow providing steam to stay awake.

She justified her procrastinations by links with apathy; the things she wasn't concerned about did not concern her, thus the lack of care and worry to act upon swiftly. She had no care for politics, for paperwork, for cleaning her room...thus the declining state of all, dramatically. Her want for a car was growing cold, as so the idea of saving.

I want to be somewhere now, I want to be somewhere making a difference. My actions will effect people, someday. The rich life I live is poorly lacking, and simplicity and priority are unorganised and confused. The footprints I leave behind me are distorted, unsatisfied and incomplete. But i know where i want to be...away from here. Let me live off love, forget about materialism, let me see a different life, let me see a different life, let me see your life. Let me forget my own.

And the thought shuddered through her, refusing comfort without action. And her mind was in protest.

Why am I taking so long, I don't even want to be here. Why must I?
But let me teach, let me go out and teach... and these remaining 3 years I lift to you. Watch me closely, it is hard to learn so slowly the things I want to do now. Qualification's are a bother, but if it is the only way into the places you will have me go...I will. It is torture, I complain. Forgive me, I am blessed.
How can I make the now pass quickly? How do I make the now something of value? How do I see the now as opportunity? How, how, how?

I digress.

Life of late has been filled with the things that once satisfied, but now I've grown. I've grown a little taller, a little fatter (thus a little heavier), a little balder, a little bolder, a little maturer, a little spiritually fatter, a little more in question, a little more cautious, a little more hatred for a little more of this world, a little less sure...
I believe there is more. Hence the things that once satisfied, do no longer.

Find me, or help me find you.
And He whispers constantly "...he was made in my image, love him" or similarly "...she was made in my image, love her". Regardless of how sickening their lifestyles may be. Regardless. Regardless. That, My Dear, is unconditional.

I long to burn the "normal" mold, throw it into the fire, and jump on prejudices that weigh me down so. To be completely bare of biases. To be naked, without the vulnerability, or the fear of. To be free. I think, that is freedom. Yet I ensnare myself, with the folly of my temptations. So help me break free, help me fight harder. My passions are smothered by lost battles.
Jesus, Jesus, I know.
I yearn. I stumble.
I hope.

the bald, and the beautiful

...on a huge and unsafe ferris wheel.

They told us not to rock it, and i did. so they stopped the ride, and i was a tad embarrassed, but we said we'd stop, so they gave us two more rounds...four little nuts holding us up

i wish they'd installed an anti-gravitational function in each carrage, that wouldv'e been worth the $7 each! no complaints though, go on it once, that's all it's worth! eheh!

...and life goes on!

you made sure my path was emptied so that i could remember. Oh You of jealous Love. It is probably better there is nobody "there".
i am, you are: that was the point right?
you surround me in thick presence.
let me feel love
i
cant
stop
falling.

My use of the term "emotionally attached" is probably a little diluted, im probably not emotionally attached to everyone i told you i was....wahaha, im confusing emotional attachment with being "needy" with people. Oh wait, is there a difference?

wahaha, glop.

glop, glop, glop.

i tire myself.

fight it, fight it harder, please guard my back and i'll try guard yours.
God, give me strength. they get harder to fight.

dear connex,
apart from uniting generations under one common topic, the awful taste the word "connex" left in everyone's mouth, are you still strong?. Yes, the sighs were deep and unimpressed yet surprised that today connex had reached it's new low.

And it wasn't even your fault! You didn't choose for the trees to fall on the tracks of more than half of melbourne's commute system! You didn't choose for the shortages of buses or trams when in most need...so why is everyone so angry with you?

Though I admit I had to stifle a laugh when the man behind me commented to a stranger "...where are the connex people? I feel the need to abuse them,"

You probably conceived the most uneventful yet interesting 2hours and 40minutes with me. You helped me make a 2hour friend, "Shelle" she told me. And she blew me kisses at the end of our "adventure" (though mine was to be longer still) as the doors closed on the neatly packaged human aluminium transporter (that much resembled sardines: generously tinned). I waved goodbye, after insisting she goes first, without me...because she was running low on stamina to endure waiting another 30seconds.

And then i ran into Cindy! Though i had to yell about 5 times and chase her (while wondering if i had the right person) til she took the headphones out of her ears and recognised me. The conversation of her $2K round the world trip mixed with her clothes designs was pleasurable; the train rides were becoming more and more endurable!

So from melb Central to burnley to camberwell (lilydale line) back to burnley; back to camberwell, back to richmond, then to clayton (cranbourne line) and then bus to monash uni, then pit stop and then receive mother dear as the bus spits her out later, then to be driven home from monash uni by beloved Daddy dear (God bless him).

A new friend, a reunion, an adventure, lessons learnt (I can say I've doubled my knowledge of connex train routes, though still lacking considerably)!

Maybe the day wasn't so uneventful after all!

So connex, rest assured, i don't hate you.
-yours truly, uniki.

dear friend,

i'm alive. i'm well. i'm in love.

hope you are too.

-yours truly, me.